Expressing love for my brother, decades late. Lee, I love you
Expressing love for my brother, decades late
My dad and I were working in the yard, mowing again today. What a wonderful experience! We talked, and I mean I talked aloud as dad sat on my right shoulder, about so many things. We talked about fishing and camping trips, learning to play golf together. We talked about my sons, who never got to know him, and about my granddaughters, who would have gladdened him beyond measure.
As we were mowing the hill, dad said "Son, I'm so glad you are finally learning to understand and express love. Real love."
"Thanks, dad. It's quite a journey, these last few months."
"What about your brother?" dad asked quietly.
That stopped me, absolutely still, on the side of the hill.
I had two brothers. One, a twin to me, died at birth. I never got to know him, of course, and I don't know that I have any real feelings toward him other than regret that we could not live and grow together.
It was my older brother, Lee, that dad was asking about. Lee, named after my father and his father, was 11 years older than I am. He was much more intelligent than I am. He was a rebel, always in trouble for some thing or another. In his earlier years, these were just irritating things, I suspect, but later in life, they became much more serious.
My brother, Lee, ran a business. It is where I had my first job. For a time, I ran that business while Lee was hospitalized. I learned so much, part while running this business, but much more under his guidance.
My brother suffered from mental illness. I know he was clinically depressed, I suffered from that myself. But I suspect that today, he would be diagnosed as bi-polar. I don't know. Today, it makes no difference.
Lee made so many sacrifices for me. He arranged things at work so that I could participate in high school athletics and so many other activities. He put up with the foolishness of my youth in so many ways. He taught me things that are still very important to me today.
When I got married, early in college, I left the business. I never realized how much my brother had come to depend on me. He could not handle the business without my help, so he sold it not long after.
Lee then entered the navy and ended up in Viet Nam. He was a SeaBee, stationed ashore in the areas of some of the most brutal fighting. Lee died in Viet Nam. Oh, he came back, but not as the brother I'd known. Drugs, mental illness, PTSD... The brother I knew died in Viet Nam.
About 10 years later, my brother took his own life.
Lee never, once, expressed love for me or anything I can think of except our dad. Love was simply not a word he could handle. But I know he loved me. He showed it in his every action, though some of those actions may not have seemed very righteous.
Not once in my entire life have I ever put my brother and love into the same thought. Dad was telling me that. It was a real heart-stopper, a blow.
I don't know how long I stood there on that hill, absolutely still. Dad was silent, just sitting there on my shoulder, allowing me to gather my thoughts.
I know I loved my brother, but I sure didn't act in love sometimes. I was embarrassed at times by things he did. I put myself before my love for him at times he really needed me. I brought a shame upon myself that even my wife did not recognize, that I did not recognize... until today.
Dad that was one tough whack up the side of the head you gave me today. I needed it, badly. This is something in my past that had to be faced and dealt with.
Lee, my brother Lee, how sorry I am that it has taken me so long...
I love you, Lee, my long lost brother.
With humility and repentance,
Art
Writing through tears
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Author: aliveintheword
Location: Wildwood Missouri USA
Gender: Male
Age: 63
Blog Entries: 315 (archive)
Blog Comments: 1106
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