Being An Abandoned Child of this World
As we grow as Christians often times we discover things about us that need to be cleansed, healed and made new. It is that time for me as God has been engineering my circumstances so this issue of Abandonment can be brought to the surface.
Last Friday I was at my Growth Group and expressing fear over this election and our leader followed me into the kitchen and asked if I had been abused as a child. Whoa! Wait a minute, of course I wasn't I had a fairly good childhood. I right away said no and went on my way. But his words kept reverberating in my head and all of a sudden I realized I had lied. You, see, I did suffer abuse, not by my family, but by two, very sick men. It happened in my early teen years and for some reason I think I wasn't a child then, but I was. One a heroin addict twice my age and then another fellow whom used to beat me severely, at one point he kicked my face into the dashboard of a car, chipped my tooth and may have killed me had not others came to my rescue. OK, yes I was abused.
I approached my leader on Sunday and told him how perceptive he was and how I, unwittingly lied to him when I answered. He told me I need to forgive those situations and, really I feel I have. I truly feel I have been healed and restored. So then as I spoke I said you know what I am suffering from? It is abandonment fears, that is where this comes from. I was adopted, and as soon as I was aware of this, I felt different, weird, not normal. My father, whom I adored more than anything in this world left my mom, when I was 14 and that coincides right when I made myself vulnerable to hurtful men, for the reason of being abandoned by the very man I loved so much. I tried to transfer that love to the wrong people, to ones whom used me and inflicted harm, instead of those who would chose to love and cherish me. My mom had found out about the 34 year old heroin addict and instead of going after him, she sent me to my aunt in California, to me that was more rejection, where I met abuser #2. My aunt found out about abuser #2 and instead of going after him, kicked me out at the age of 17, legally emancipated me where I suffered abuse and pain until I moved back to my Dad at the age of 20.
I, also, believe, I have honestly forgiven each person whom I felt abandoned me but I still have this irrational fear of abandonment. My leader said God meant for you to be abandoned, for He is working greater good out of it. And it still hurts, it still hurts and makes me cry.
It is this fear that I am so careful around family so they won't reject me, so they won't leave me again. I am careful with my words. Well, last week I felt a boldness that I have not felt before and I put myself out there, let the guard down and WHAM! Rejection. My cousin told me that I am basically a person whom she chooses not to associate with and my aunt told my mom that my aunt and uncle are basically writing me off just like that! I ask myself, why does that hurt so much and I as I walk through it, I see it. Then yesterday, my mom has cancer surgery and I am so afraid I will lose her. The surgery took way, too long. Finally, they called us, but instead of like last time,when the doctor comes out, they take my brother and I back to a little room and I start crying because I thought I had lost my mom. You see, when my parents go, that's it, I have no heritage, no family, alone. But, the doctor came in and said she is fine, the surgery went well, she is OK.
Well my fear is unfounded when it comes to our great God, for I have His promises. Hebrews 13:5-6 But when my irrational fear comes up, I think He will. That God will leave me, too! And that is why I fear the election, that God will abandon me. And leave me with a leader who will inflict harm on my family and myself. I read His promises, I believe them with my head, but heart still fears.
I am now adopted into a new family, that will not perish from this earth, but be for all eternity. I am adopted into a family whom will not leave me and I struggle to get that knowledge from my head to my heart. ALL my family is unsaved; from my parents to my brother, to his wife and her family, my aunts, uncles cousins of which I have very few. ALL are unsaved and I marvel at God. Why me? Why me out of the whole bunch do I receive this great gift of Salvation? It boggles my mind. But God in His infinite Wisdom is working out His purposes. SO though my family of this world may reject me, God has not and has brought me into a family that shall never perish. I am not rejected, nor forsaken, nor abandoned and God wants be to understand that to the very depths of my soul. It is for this good purpose that my growth group leader said to me the unthinkable so that I can get this out in the light and receive healing for once and for all. That what I know in my head can reach my heart and I can be freed from the fear for once and for all. May God be glorified.