Letting Go of Me
My daddy once told me "Steph, don't let anyone tell you who you are or what you should be. Don't be ruled by any man". As a dating teenager, I used to confide in my dad about my frustrations with boyfriends; and later, my frustrations with my husband who seemed to have an idealistic view of what a "good wife" should be. I have always been head-strong and stubborn. "Never ruled by any man". My daddy told Matt before he married me, "Boy, good luck with that one. She's got a streak a mile wide." I loved my husband, but I'm not bowing down. I'll carry my own weight, thankyouverymuch! I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
In the beginning of our marriage, the only thing we seemed to agree on was the physical part of being man and wife. Outside of those moments, we seemed to butt heads quite often. I wanted to be a good wife, but I didn't want to lose myself behind the roles I took on. I never wanted to be known as "Matt's wife" or Alex's mom". I didnt want to be the cook and the maid and the laundry lady. This was supposed to be 50/50! I wanted to be recognized as smart and talented and strong and just as capable as my husband in every area. I realize now that I struggled against my husband more than I was a helper to him. I constantly brought up issues,"I ALWAYS do the dishes..you never help me!". "We always do what you want to do, you NEVER do what I want to do!" Although my complaints weren't entirely true., they never failed to start an argument. Even the simplest "Steph, could you bring me a towel?" echoed in my ears as "Get me a towel!" followed by thoughts on how a responsible person would have gotten the towel before getting in the shower. A deep huff and I'd toss the towel on the counter without failing to cast him "that look". I had convinced myself that he was so selfish and not at all what a husband should be like. I certainly didn't want things to be this way. I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like the direction this was going. And I especially didn't like the scripture that says "wives submit to your husband". Was God giving him permission to boss me around? This was never gonna fly with me.
Over the years I've learned a thing or two. I learned to let go of the "me" syndrome. I've learned that this life is not about "me" and what "I" want. It's all about Jesus. Its about picking up my cross and following His lead. It's about dying daily. It's about sacrifice. It's about Love. It's about Love. And most of all, it's about Love. Do I love Christ enough to put myself last? Can I let go of my pride? Can I accept that I was created to worship and serve the Lord? Can I accept Jesus' call to serve one another? Can I be obedient?
When I finally gave all of myself to Him and let go of "me", I found myself doing every task before me "as unto my King". No longer was I Matt's handmaiden, I was doing it for Jesus..and I was happy. When you truly die to yourself, worldly identity doesn't really mean much anymore. I was never going to get that camel through the eye of the needle. I had a whole lot packed on top of that animal; a lifetime of "me". I had to lay it all down and take up my true identity. Counting everything else as loss, I know who He says I am. There is peace in that.
These days, God has drawn out the quarrelsome parts of me and replaced them with joy. I no longer look at my role as a wife as being a burden, but as an intricate part of something much bigger. I love being a helper to my husband. I love looking for ways to bring him happiness. I know that in doing these things, I serve God. In return, Matt treats me as if I were more valuable than jewels. He loves my company. He values my opinion. He looks to me for support and encouragement. We are truly unified as one person. I believe this is the blessing God had intended for our marriage. Obedience was the path. Sacrifice was the path. Loving someone else more than myself was the path. Submitting was the path. God is faithful. He made sure it was all worth the effort..just like He said He would.
In Christ~
Steph.
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Author: baimarali
Location: Macon Georgia USA
Gender: Female
Age: 37
Blog Entries: 21 (archive)
Blog Comments: 113
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