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Is Doubt Stronger than Love?

Sometimes it happens to me like a flash. A glaring silence. God's gone. Suddenly, quietly, and profoundly from my life. It happens in the most impossible moments. During morning prayers or even at Sunday services. Suddenly He just up and leaves. And I'm there all alone with my thoughts. Am I going crazy or what? What have I built my life up and around? What is faith anyways? And when I lose it, what then? What will I have left? How will I explain myself? "Oh well, I was just searching for answers... " or something else miserable and flimsy.

But it happens. Moments of profound doubt. But not while deliberately contemplating doubts, but during moments of deep fellowship with God. Suddenly, the line goes dead and I'm left hanging on the other end.

So the doubt goes down deep. To core levels. Doubts not just about Christ and the Gospel message, but also about the very existence of God. Am I just entertaining my mind with the most exotic of diversions? Am I just distracting myself from the real truths of life?

Mother Teresa's recent book inspired me to write this down but all this was there before. One reviewer said that Mother Teresa put her faith in Christ rather than putting her faith in her faith. But what about when my faith in Christ is shaken and stripped away? What about the moments when I look at myself and my life and think, "How ridiculous, this whole Christian thing. Oh well, too late now. Might as well just keep playing along lest I look like a fool"?

The silence in these moments, the silence! Sheer infinite emptiness and I gaze into the void and tremble. I try to scream but my throat remains stiff and silent.

Then at the last possible moment, the instant where I might just go mad, the moment where I am gasping and groaning under the weight of my doubt - I feel His love wash over me. How can this happen? How can it be so?

Only by His mercy. Only by His grace.



posted: 02/08/2008 08:15am by clayonmyeyes
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Author Details:

Author: clayonmyeyes
Location: Buenos Aires Argentina
Gender: Male
Age: 42
Blog Entries: 92 (archive)
Blog Comments: 460

My Biography:

i am 40 y.o. with a great wife and 5 sons. i fully accepted christ into my life in early '04. one month later my wife bore our 4th child. i retired from practicing medicine in june'04. we relocated to argentina from pittsburgh (my wife is argentine) that same year.... view full biography

My Testimony:

i grew up and remain catholic. believed firmly as a youth then slipped away. later i raged against god and tried my best to push him out of my life. but through my loving wife and kids he gently brought me back under his care. a story familiar to many...... view full testimony

My Recent Blogs:

Milagros Milagros and Out...
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DUST...
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Songs of Praise 10...

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Hi dear clay,

Have missed you at CB. Great blog.

I know exactly what you are talking about. That wily old adversary is always out to rob us of our joy, but ... "For He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." 1 John 4 v 4.

I have these times of doubt too, which that robber of our joy instigates. Then that wonderful grace of God takes over, and all is well again. What great grace and love.

Thank you dear friend, for sharing and letting me know that I am not alone.

Christian love

mumbly.

  Posted 02/08/2008 02:53pm
Author: mumbly

Oh, thank you for this post and your transparency in sharing these doubts. And Mums, for your response, sharing yours.

Because it happens to me. All of a sudden the thought just fills me, what if none of this is true? Maybe it's not at all! After all, it is kinda ludicrous to think like this.

Then I just melt in shame for having such doubts.

I had no idea that saints like you two had these doubts too. Surely it is the enemy.

Thanks for posting. Wonder why this one didn't make the home page?

YSIC,
Grace

  Posted 02/09/2008 05:56am
Author: savedbyegrace

Thanks for being strong enough to be real clay!

My theory is that everyone goes through this, but not everyone have enough courage to be real. I truly commend you for speaking the cries of many of our hearts.

About two years ago, I took a violent and aggressive search to discover why my mind continued to do this craziness. I'd like to share briefly what I learned:

1. Not every thought that comes in my head are mine. If the thought separates me from God, others and myself, it's from an evil spirit. This is when I say out loud, "Go away in Jesus name (Ja.4:7-8), the Lord rebuke you (Jude 1:9), Lord get them away from me. (Mark 9:29)" I do this throughout the day, every day!

2. My repeated thoughts determine my beliefs, and my belief determine my emotions (Rom.12:2). I learned that I have been emotionally up and down all my life is because of my inability to manage my thoughts. Most parents don't train their children to manage their thought life. Once I started bombarding my thoughts with truth all day, and speaking it out loud (Prov.18:21), my life took a wild turn for the better!

I spent 10 months, 10-12 hours a day, studying the Bible, medical journals, and scientific studies. I ended up writing a book about it because it absolutely revolutionized my life. I can't thank the Lord enough for making His word come to life!

MichaelTrillo

  Posted 02/22/2008 12:39pm
Author: michaeltrillo

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