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When I first began emulating Jesus I struggled with my anger. I hated it. I wanted to be free from the shame and guilt of my outbursts. I knew it wasn't good or who I wanted to be. I felt so defeated. I told my pastor at a small group meeting and he looked at me like there was no hope for me. Not that I had ever unloaded on him, but he didn't know me that well.
I bought a book by James Dobson, I thought it would help but only left me more hopeless. I was certainly on my own. I can imagine many of you have felt this way with your issues.
Over time I've mellowed out. I think this happened as my goals changed and my abilities grew. If you are trying to get your way you are probably screwed. When your objective is to simply communicate not expecting results you're very close to being free.
I recently read a blog where two Christians were arguing and the author was offended. Here is a quote:
"You may feel free to voice your opinion but you do not have the right to jump on my blog and tell me that I am a divisive force in the Body of Christ. That is not how this site works. Voice your opinions but do not make wild accusations; ok?"
I can tell you the remarks here do not represent properly what this author was responding to. You could get the impression that there was something wild and vile said but there wasn't. This person was offended and I'm certain the other person was shocked at this response. When this person responded he/she still didn't respond negatively. I m proud of him/her. That's how you do it! And grace to the person who was offended. We are growing together.
We have heard that we should have a thick skin and a soft heart. I like it, it is good. But there are other variations of this. You can have a thin skin/soft heart, thin skin/hard heart, or thick skin/hard heart.
Here is a quick overview. Those with a thin skin and soft heart are generally pacifists. They want to make people happy, they don t want to offend. It is a great way to get along and have friends. But they won t tell you the truth when you need it. Out of the three it is probably the least repugnant. But it has no back bone. It'll leave you in the ditch bleeding to death and say a blessing over you, it has very little courage.
A thin skin/hard heart is different and maybe the most dangerous. These are the ones who start wars. They are easily offended and when put off; launch nucs. If you offend them they will barrage you with insults to your face or covertly behind your back. And if they go head-to-head with another like themselves, we will have a WW III: A nuclear holocaust. These are very dicey to work with.
The thick skin/hard heart is very hard to be around. They offend and do not think anything of it. They aren't easily offended but readily bust chops. They are bulldozers. You have to be real sturdy to deal with them.
If we are anything but a thick skin/soft heart we need to begin our migration. The best way is to set your heart to service expecting nothing in return; unless you feel a reward is a kick in the teeth. When you need to be understood, want to change a situation or person; if you want something , you will have difficulty. You have to be a giver without expectation. If you want to be seen as smarter or lifted up; your doomed. Every time there is a difference you'll implode, because "God knows you're right." However, much like an emergency room doctor can't get offended by a vile, screaming, patient, you mustn't. The doctors must busy themselves with the task. And you too, this is your immunity.
When someone offends, you'll feel the sting. Ignore it and move to help them. Reassert your message, re-explain, see through their barrage, and bring peace. Affirm them and reestablish yourself as an understanding helper. Not a boss, but a clear, concise peace maker with the agenda to help. Reassert your case in other words.
The thick skinned refuse to get offended. The soft hearted never stop giving. Learn to divert for their benefit, for example if they say you are unjust and you do not agree. Do not make your case that you are just, simply let them know what you want, what you are going to do, or what you are trying to communicate. If they won't stop, just excuse yourself. There will usually be another time. You cannot hold on to what they say because you need to help them with a clear head.
It is ok if people abuse us. It is fine if we are taken out of context and ridiculed or misunderstood. Just keep giving, it doesn't hurt that bad. And through it we may have a chance at being effective, but if not, certainly like Jesus.
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