My name is "Ray", though actually I have changed my name here because I am so ashamed of myself and do not want anyone to know who I really am. And because this is not my real name I will feel more like opening myself up to you for help.
I’m not really sure how to say what I want to say even, and because I do not type at all I am letting a friend of mine type this for me. Everything will be in his own words, but I will be reading it over before it gets posted as a blog here on CB so that you will know that all of this is how I feel.)
I am hoping that you will share experiences of your own with me (especially if you have gone through what I’m going through) and encourage me as I try to get my life back together. I am a Christian, yes, though I’m not exactly sure what all that means. I believe I was created by God. I believe in Jesus death for me on the cross and I believe that He will come back some day.
But I do not feel that God really loves me
, or that I am even worth anything to anyone. I am angry at what I have become and am very
depressed, even to the point of being envious of an acquaintance who was killed in a car accident some years ago.
I am taking meds for depression, meds for anxiety, and meds to help me sleep, but I’m sick of taking these things. I sometimes feel that if I could just stop taking them altogether I would be better able to cope with life, but my doctor tells me that if I do stop taking them I would be worse off rather than better off. And I know that if I were to just try and wean myself off of them I know that I would not be able to sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I look forward to the time I get to sleep because it’s the only time I don’t actually worry about anything. I’m afraid of everything it seems and when I get out of bed I know that there are things out there that will hurt me mentally and I just as soon avoid them when I can.
I feel so alone and don’t even want to eat because there is no one to eat with. Because of my lack of decent food my physical health is not what it should be and of course that affects my mental health as well. I understand that we humans were created with 3 dimensions (so to speak): mental, physical, and spiritual.
Please help me spiritually at least, and if you can please give me something that I can use to bring my physical and mental health back to what it should be.
I read a blog today by shanijane called, an encounter with depression
and I felt like she was telling my story, even down to the Devil’s fingernails digging into my back.
Like I said, I am already a Christian, but I know that I am not what I want to be, nor what God wants me to be.
Again, I am hoping that you will share experiences of your own with me (especially if you have gone through what I’m going through) and encourage me as I struggle to get my life back together.
(Please understand that because I do not own a computer I will not be able to reply right away until my friend can let me use his computer and help me with my replies. But I will read all of the comments as soon as I can.)
Can you help me, please?