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Hey! Can t you just wait for me to go first? was my selfish response. But I am already 31, aunty! came the obvious reply which left me hanging with a few threads of self-esteem. I curled into my cocoon of self-pity and back in my small rented room, I vent out my resentments towards heaven:
Lord, why must my life end up this way?
Haven t I served you faithfully for the last 25 years?
Is this all I deserve single and alone in a rented room?
How many rented rooms have I stayed in since going fulltime , Lord?
Lord, I am a homeless minister.
These were just some of the many self-righteous things I have spoken against my faithful Master lately. It all triggered when I turned 50 this year. Realizing that age has caught up and prices of properties have doubled over the last year, I had begun to search frantically for an affordable 700 sq ft apartment in a decent neighborhood before it is too late. To my utter disappointment, there was none available that was within my means. It s really too late!, I cried in desperation.
And last week was the tip of the iceberg another church member who is single has just bought a home. Two of my nephews are getting married next month and 4 of my siblings have bought themselves nice second homes in expensive locations. Oh Lord, what about me? Never mind my not-so-enviable single status but why should millions of ordinary people be blessed with a home whilst I, a fulltime servant of the Lord have no place to call my own? , I pleaded. As my resentments heightened, my faith began to crumble in doubt and despair. What a wretched soul I have become.
In His grace and mercy, God sent my niece a young university student, to speak sense into my life. My lovely niece has just found the Lord this year and attending church secretly while studying overseas. Our families come from generations of Taoism who still perceive Christianity as a weak western religion. Despite persecutions from her parents, my niece s faith remains strong and pure. Her words came as a gentle rebuke to me over the online chat:
Stop searching and start praying. Pray, pray and pray
Do not let your mind and emotions do the talking
Watch your language and attitude
How would God feel when He hears you speaking like that to Him?
God has not forgotten you He will provide for you
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I ponder with shame those words of faith from a pure babe s mouth. Surely, God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong -1 Corinthians 1:27.
Feeling neither wise nor strong anymore for my niece, I humbly bow in His presence and am now learning to echo what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.
Paul, the great servant of the Lord, was not searching for a physical place to stay and indulge in. To him, home is where faith is.
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