I must be going through a different season in life where I stand in complete and utter confusion. I don't understand. Sure there were things I couldn't explain before, but somehow I was able to reconcile events, choices and even other people into some form of understanding. But I find myself, shaking my head and saying, "I just don't understand it!" more than ever before.
For example, in July we took our oldest son to visit his college of choice for student orientation. The students were dismissed for placement tests and parents were left to hear a variety of university directors who would explain everything from class advising to meal plans. When the student affairs director came to the podium and explained that residents would need TWIN XL size sheets, tears started to roll down my cheeks. My husband looked at me and whispered,"Are you crying?"
"Yes! And I don't know why and I can't control it!"
The weird part continues. Every time I think about it, I cry again. Yesterday, we were making plans to take him. Should we take one van or two? Do we take ALL the kids? We won't have enough room to take all of us and all of the STUFF in one van, but if we take two then who will drive when I cry all the way home?
I have loved and raised this child ( and even educated him) for 18+ years. I really liked the way things were. Now everything is about to change. My dear mother said, "Your life will never be the same?"
Pushing back the tears and holding in the sobs, I responded with an ever so slight indignance, " I..I...I know!"
I don't understand it. I am so proud of my son. He has done so well. He is going to a great (and safe) place. He's excited! I am excited for him! Life won't be that different. He's gone on mission trips out of the country before! Now, he's only going to be 4 hours away. He'll come home. Some ...
Two years ago, our circumstances really changed. I had to go to work, which meant that our two youngest would have to go to public school! It has never been my intent to keep them there. One has a reading disorder, so she needs EXTRA time and attention. I thought the school could give more consistency and time than I could, so I reluctantly agreed to send her. Now, another school year is commencing and I don't want to send her. I want to keep her and teach her. Walk with her and love on her all day long .
18 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 19 Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 20 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, 21 so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.
I hug on her and the tears roll ... I pray that the Lord will protect her mind, body and soul. I pray that God will grab hold of this child and love her in a way only He can. That He will grant her a teachable spirit, and give her boldness to be different for Jesus.
I try to hide my tears because I don't want her to know that I am sad.
I can't explain it. My heart hurts. I mean it physically hurts! And the tears roll .
I know that I am not raising these children to keep them, but.. am I done already? I am still praying that God will intervene and I will have the same opportunity I had with my older children, but the course seems set and God seems silent.
I don't understand. So I find myself in a position to focus on what I do understand..
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.