A New Follower
Hello, my name is Kitty.
I want to start off saying that I'm very new to this whole concept of religion. To knowing God. I spent a good deal of my life looking for a way to disprove God. Mostly, this was out of sheer spite of the experiences that I had had when I was growing up. I had a lot of confrontation because I had a lot of interest into thing that are not always seen as 'good'. I was a writer when I was younger and really wanted to write stories about very odd things. These things spanned from witches to scientifically created angels. When I wrote most of these stories, I was in 5th grade.
I had a rather bad experience in the church across the street from my house growing up. The pastor's wife had taken me aside into a room with 4 other adults and began to scold me how I was doing very bad things and that they were an influence of the Devil. I couldn't understand why these adults were cornering me the way they were. Its was really hard for me, and being such a stubborn, fiery child I took up a grudge against the religion, instead of just the people who confronted me.
I spent most of my teens years looking for a reason, or a way to feel better than I had been.
I had a really hard time when I met the love of my life, and now fiance. He had been born, raised, and very confidant in his religion. He had always supported me, through all my searching and all my fighting with him. I look back and realize how much hurt I must have put on him having questioned and denied his religion every step of the way, while all he did was support me into finding my own way. He had talked about how he knew that God wanted me and wanted me to be able to feel safe with him. After having a very... interesting childhood, I didn't feel safe with anyone or anywhere I went.
My fiance, Aaron, helped me every step of the way. Even when I felt like I had created a reasoning to life and creation and religion, there was always a void in my heart that left me crying at night. Nothing that I did made me feel whole. This was even more prevalent when I would go over to Aaron's Father's house. His family was very religious and it always put me on a defensive when I walked through the door. If for no other reason than I thought something might be said that would cause problems.
I began to love his family so much, and almost lie to them about knowing God and being one of his followers. I just wanted to be part of what made them so strong. I also didn't want them to see me as a non-believer and think less of me and Aaron for being with me.
As the months went on and turned into 2 years (of knowing the family, 3 1/2 of being with Aaron, dating) I had grown so close to this family. I think I almost convinced myself that I was a believer and that I was part of it all. Yet, at home I would still fight with Aaron over silly things and conversations that we had about creation, evolution, and just the feeling of being part of God. I always fought with him over these things. Sometimes they were a debate and ended well, but most of the time they didn't end. We just stopped talking and waiting till something else filled the silence.
There was one night that was pretty amazing, now that I look back at it. We had fought over something huge, and I cannot even remember what it was. I remember storming off into the bedroom and crying to myself for so long. The next thing I did was I realized that we couldn't keep fighting like this. If we did, we would separate. Aaron is the best thing that ever came into my life, and if he were to leave it, I would fall into a million pieces. I got next to my bed and knelt in prayer. I prayed to God and said "Lord, I know that I'm not very special in your eyes, but I know that you watch over Aaron and that there is something special about him for you to watch over him the way you do. I know that I don't believe in you, but he does." At this point I was sobbing so uncontrollably, and couldn't stop shaking. I prayed to God to come and make peace between us. I think my words were "Give Aaron the strength and knowledge to do what is needed, and give me the strength to support Aaron." This later became rather ironic.
As I was praying to a God that I didn't believe in, for someone else, I felt a warm embrace around my shoulders. I was being hugged. I knew that it wasn't Aaron for the warmth bared no weight and had no mass to it. The second that it happened, I stopped shaking immediately and stopped crying. I also knew that I was to walk out and grab Aaron's hand. This I did and we fell asleep together, crying because we were so happy and relieved. Aaron thought that I was finally able to know God. So did I.
I tried to do all I could to be Christian in the next few days. The more that I tried, the further I fell into darkness and into doubt again that it was the right way to go. I eventually went back to not believing in God, or going so far as to say that he was rejecting me. That for some reason God had cast me aside purposefully. I had so much doubt in my heart, and didn't know the Lord at all.
This went on for a short time before we were invited to go to Arizona for a wedding. So in June, I think it was, we packed up our things and went with Aaron''s family to this wedding. The entire trip I was on edge. Something made me feel constantly on the defensive. I couldn't sit still or enjoy my time with the family that had nothing but support me. I almost felt as if something horrible was going to happen. The wedding was very beautiful and I loved meeting all these happy people.
The next day we went to Church (On Sunday) because the cousin that got married, her father was the Pastor. I remember not being able to breathe when I went into the church. I almost hyperventilated a few times. Something about the church had made me feel almost like I was in a prison. The Pastor then began his sermon, which ironically was on the 3 views of hell. You have the first which is the Catholic biblical view of hell. Hell is a fiery lake that all sinners will be cast into unless they have been baptized in the name of God. The second view of hell is that God is all forgiving and that the day of judgment will be God saying, "Oh, its ok I love you all so you are all welcome into heaven. I forgive all past wrongs." This is a wonderful thing to think of because then all the ones that you love who may not be Christian, or may not be religious but are nice people, have an out and will be saved in the end. But then it lacks one key characteristic of God and that is that God is Just. If he was to just forgive all, there would be no Justice.
Listening to all this I'm falling apart in my chair. My face has been wrecked with tears and I'm having an even harder time breathing. All that I can think about is my mother. In the past months, there had been a lot of drama in my family and no one was telling the truth one way or another. Which
|
|
Author: spiritkitty
Location: Eagan Minnesota USA
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Blog Entries: 1 (archive)
Blog Comments: 0
Kitty!...... |
Log Into Chatroom 
