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Dad's Rule For Clothes - Daughters |
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Posted By: greybear
My oldest daughter will turn 13 years old in July 07'. About two years ago now, I had a talk with her about what was and was not appropriate for her to wear in public. At the time we had the talk it went pretty well and she wasn't surprised by anything I said, because I had already been saying bits and pieces of it as she was getting older. This last Christmas my wife's sister wanted to take her shopping for clothes for her Christmas present. We had the talk again. This time there was more rolling of the eyes instead of the "okay dad" of our previous first talk.
To make sure she understood what I meant by acceptable, I had her go through a Penney's catalog and select items she liked and that she felt would meet with my approval. I would say happily, 90% of the items she marked did. Those that did not were on the edge and she even said she wasn't sure if some of those I vetoed would pass anyway. She was just looking for the line. Now that she has grown even more I'm going to have to pull some items from the approved list. Again, we have talked about how things can change as she changes from a girl to young lady. I have been firm about the rules and very clear as to why I have set them...
Here are some of the guidelines for public:
1. Nothing ripped, torn, or showing excess were. Not even if it was intentionally made that way.
2. No low cut tops. I don't want to see anything below the collar bones.
3. Skirts can't be more that 2" above the knee and no slits allowed.
4. See-through clothes are not allowed. I must not be able to see your underwear of any kind.
5. No low-rise pants or short shirts. The stomach must be covered at all times.
6. Clothes must fit/button/snap properly. Nothing too small or painted on.
7. No sleeveless/tank/spaghetti string shirts.
8. Bathing suits are to be one piece and a cover-up worn when out of the pool.
9. No images or sayings that are disrespectful to God or me, her two Fathers.
10. Even if you buy and it wouldn't have been approved, I will take you to return it.
Some teens might be saying, "Man, I'm glad he isn't or wasn't my Dad" and your right. Others may ask, "Why so extreme?", to that I answer just two words, TEENAGE BOYS. I've been there and I'm not going to encourage thoughts or actions that are aimed at my daughter that would cause her or any boy to sin just because I didn't take the time to care about what she wears and doesn't wear.
I would encourage all Dads to watch over and protect your daughters. They may think you are old fashion or just plain mean, but you know what, I can live with that and so can you. What I can't live with is some boy saying, "She looked so good and it just happened". I'm not willing to take a chance that some boys thinks she wants to participate in an act that she never intended to, but her clothes said, in his eyes, "Hear it is come and get it". Sorry for being so blunt.
I would like to hear from other parents, especially dads, as to what they are doing about how their daughters look when they leave the house.
And for those who are doing nothing,
What are you depending on to protect your daughter when she is out of your site?
What are the teen boys thinking when the see your daughter? Be honest with yourself.
Finally, are they seeing way too much of her?!
We are the DAD and we are responsible for our children. Period.
In Christ,
GreyBear
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Posted: 01/30/06 9:38am - Total Views: 8,431 - Category: Parenting
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Similar Blog Entries: Fathers protect your daughters!!!,
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Blog Tags: clothes,
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abelajohnb |
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Posted by:
abelajohnb
(Posted: 01/30/06 5:58pm)
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Hey greybear,
First, I respect your rules.
Secondly, as a youth minister of nearly 10 years, I can say that 'family rules' play very little in the life of most kids -- yes, even in "Christian homes".
I have seen dozens and dozens of kids (preteen through teenagers) who everyone (including parents) thought were "upright kids" go down a path that we as adults might not want them going.
Let us not forget that the majority of "preacher kids" fall - and fall hard - because of "strict family rules".
While I was a youth minister, I ended up having the largest youth group of "home schooled kids" in Northern California. As you probably know, home school kids seem to congregate together (rather, parents force them to congregate together) so within a few years the youth group was rather large. As a youth minister I had to totally change my approach to ministry. Along the way I saw over 1/3rd of the kids fall away, many of them into sexual mistakes.
In one quarter, about four years ago, every single pastor in my region who had teen-age kids discovered their kids were having sex, and many of them ended up pregnant.
Proof enough that even in "good homes" strict rules are going to mean very little to kids who've grown up around strict rules. While a few of the girls did not dress perfectly as you explained, the large majority of those who ended up pregnent, dressed exactly as their parents demanded (and as I tried to instruct them as part of their spiritually authoritative structor).
Again, I respect the family rules. But I did want to share my own experience - not as a father, but as a spiritually authoritative part of youths lives - when it comes to these type of family rules.
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 01/31/06 5:43am)
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Ephesians 6:1-4:
[1]Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. [2]Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; [3]That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. [4]And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
John,
No disrespect to you as a youth leader, but it's not a youth leader's or some other teacher's job to train up my children to go in the way of the Lord.
I would like to know how many of those daughters had any kind of relationship with there fathers? How many of those fathers actually took the time to set down with them and explain what "the typical immature teen boy" wants from a girl? And here is one, how many of those fathers were foolish enough to allow their daughters to engage in "dating" where "minor" physical encounters were given permission and indeed lead to sexual activity.
We tell our daughters, "don't do the bad things hun", but then we send out 14 year old out with boys unchaperoned. Good grief what do we expect. They are of sin nature and left to Satan's influences they will fall right into the sensuality of today's world view. I don't care if the were Billy Grahm's kids.
Good grief even the afterschool specials promote preteen girl/boy relationship with physical involvement. Some might say "oh it was just a harmless little kiss at the end of the show". Not, now your little girl thinks if she finds some young man to be her hero, she should kiss him in admiration and "they live happily ever after". And what about the shows that deal with teens. Is it ok for you to endorse the idea that "real love" leads to sexual activity that is promoted on most of these shoes? No, then as a father what are you doing about it? Very likely not a dog gone thing.
The whole point here is that as a parent you have to build a relationship and it takes a huge amount of communication and mountains of time. If you're thinking you don't have that kind of time, then take what you get and accept that you didn't do your part. Most parents never had that type of relationship with there own parents and really don't have a clue as to how to go about building that relationship. I was one of those kids, but I refuse to follow in my parent steps. I'm adamite about the whole deal because I watched as 4 sisters and a brother became involved as early teens and it trashed multiple marriages and every one of their relationships. And continues to haunt them today.
For me, I'll keep the rules and I'm working everyday to improve the relationship with each of my children. I'm not a super dad, but I will stand before God accountable for what I have done or not done in their lives. I refuse to stand by and let the world give them the guidelines. That's my job and I'll depend on God for my direction.
What my children do with their instruction will be their choice. Even the best Christians have children who turn their backs on teaching, but I want to make sure I have done my part in training them up. I'm just a man, just a dad, but I take the job very seriously. Ans so does God.
In Christ,
GreyBear
Side Note: Not all homeschoolers are Christian. As a matter of fact, there is a growing section of America that recognizes the fall of public education and the poor grade of students it is producing. Homeschooling doesn't mean good families anymore. It just means they have abandoned the public system. Again I would add, Did the fathers of the Homeschoolers have any kind of relationship with their daughters? I'll add a short blog on why my family homeschools in the homeschool section.
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 01/31/06 12:12pm)
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bullfrog,
You asked:
No, the "Power Dad" approach never work long term. I set her down or take her with me somewhere I'm going and I ease into a subject. Kind of like it was her idea to bring it up. Although there have been times I simply got to the point. I have covered with all my kids the fact that I am responsible to God for them, so when I start in they already know I'm going to follow God's lead/direction. I just drop it back in God's lap, that's who I answer to. If they don't like the guidelines they can take it up with Him. Do they always like what I have to say...Nope. But I am also they're provider and protector and I get a certain amount of respect for that. The rest I guess comes from that fact that they know I love them and want the best, as seen through God's eyes, for them. There is no secret formula for success, I already checked!
In Christ,
GreyBear
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 02/01/06 7:37am)
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bullfrog,
Not judging you boss or his family, cuz I don't know them.
To many times parents begin to take serious what their kids will be like when they get to the mid to late teen years. With few exceptions, it's too late. At this point they really aren't taking in any new "life" info, they are just trying to decide what they want to keep and toss of what they already have and decide with it or without it who they are. At that point you do the best you can and take it to God.
I think that's where frustration can come into play for those who work with the teen groups, whether church related or not. I have a good christian friend who is a juvenile court Judge and he shared this thought with me just last week. We are serving together on the team for a men's spiritual renewal weekend called the "Great Banquet" and have served together on the teen version called the "Awakening".
"I tell them what is right and what is wrong and they do what they want and don't even here a word I say. But when I go to bed, I put down my head and am able to go to sleep because I've done what God and the law expects of me. One day they will mature and they'll remember the lesson, but they may have some serious consequences to deal with as well."
I have ministered to the youth of others and I could pour over a lesson and never see a change in the teens. I finally had to take the approach that I was trying to fix 15-18 years of someone elses programming or lack of it and I can't do that, only God can.
Here is a bit of a twist on the Proverbs verse:
Don't train up a child in the way he should go, And even when he is old he will not know it.
In Christ,
GreyBear
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 04/07/06 12:35pm)
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Problem
What to do when they begin to grow and things don't quite fit they way they did when you first approved them. You know, the pants get small and the shirts too short.
Solution
Have her and mom sort through her closet and have them check with you on any things they feel may be questionable. Then have them bring you what they feel won't pass anymore. You take a quick count and immediately send them shopping to replace the clothes adequately. So far, "new" has prevailed over the idea of keeping those that don't "fit". My daughter is more than happy to add new items to her wardrobe in exchange for the "old"!
In Christ,
GreyBear
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abelajohnb |
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Posted by:
abelajohnb
(Posted: 04/07/06 7:24pm)
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Thanks for the encouragement. I moved away from the area where I was a youth minister, so now, as you said, all I can do is pray for their hearts to be changed.
Thanks again.
John
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elizabeth |
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Posted by:
elizabeth 
(Posted: 04/08/06 2:23pm)
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greybear,
I am a teenage girl (although I may not be normal). I'm very glad that you have rules like that for your daughter. A lot of times we need them. My parents' rules are a lot like your rules. I really don't think they are too strict (again, I'm not a very normal teenage girl). It really bugs me when girls dress immodestly. My parents' rules don't bug me because, if my parents didn't have any rules about how I dressed, I would still dress very modestly. I don't even go anywhere near the line between modest and immodest. I learned that rules are not that bad if you accept them and don't always complain and wish they weren't there. My life has been much happier because I learned to accept the rules that my school, parents, and other authorities have put over my life.
In Christ,
Liz
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neilallen |
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Posted by:
neilallen
(Posted: 08/24/06 1:43pm)
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greybear,
I am very thankful for the stand you take. I am a single Christian guy in the military stationed in Hawaii, and I am constantly bombarded with sensual imagery. I find it difficult to control my eyes and therefore my thoughts when I can't leave my apartment without seeing girls of all ages dressed very immodestly. This is especially disheartening when it comes from women who claim to be Christians. If your daughter complains that there will be no boys after her if she dresses like that, tell her there are those of us who are looking for exactly that.
Neil
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silvrloreena |
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Posted by:
silvrloreena
(Posted: 09/03/06 9:00pm)
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I would have to say a I totally agree with that!
I'm a youth leader and I work with many girls who complain about the strict rules their Dad's put on them. Now, each parent has their own rules, I however encourage the girls to look past the rules and see the very heart of their dad. I for one had a rather awful dad who never really placed rules on my appearance, I really wish he did.
At 23, I dress..rather strangely for my age. I love long skirts and things that compliment me..not clothes that make me look rather trashy. And about a guy looking my way...I'd rather have a blind man like how I think, my heart, my soul, and my spunkiness..than how I dress.
A girl shoul value herself these days rather than walk around barely dressed. It's rather sad to know they place such value in how they look, when the truth is the inside..the heart, the soul of the woman that makes her beautiful.
These are just my thoughts..I'm glad you posted your rules.
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liljojo |
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Posted by:
liljojo
(Posted: 09/09/06 9:47pm)
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Well I am not a parent yet, but I am a daughter. Growing up my parents did have rules about what we were and weren't allowed to wear. Like no 2 piece swim suites, short shorts or skirt, low cut shirts, or t-shirts that had foul language or anything disrespectful. We were allowed to wear tank tops as long as the straps were thick and didn't show any undergarments(definitely no spaghetti straps).
Even though some of my school friends thought that these were strict rules, I had no problems with them at all and neither did my sisters(I still have one sister that lives at home). My parents are so proud of us that even today we are modest in what we wear and have no desire to dress trashy.
Most of the girls I went to school with, were more into what they looked like, so they wore the less modest outfits, the tons of make-up and anything else to get the attention of a guy. But what my parents taught us was more important than outward appearances. They told us that what is on the inside is more important and if a guy can't see that then they aren't worth our time and I agree with them.
I never thought I was very pretty,(I had a low self esteem, which is better now but is still needs some work)but my parents always told me I was beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. It took me a while to realize this, but I do now. I am married to a wonderful Christian man who loves me for me. He doesn't care if I am the most beautiful person in the world or the ugliest. (although if he did tell me I was ugly I might cry lol) Of course he does think I am beautiful, but he also loves what is on the inside. My love for the Lord most of all and my sweet compassionate heart (his words). To me that is better than all the outward beauty in the world.
I know it is hard for young women like ages 11-23 to see this, but once they do, they will appreciate everything their parents have taught them. I know I do.
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 11/15/06 10:09am)
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Many thanks for your support on this subject liljojo, silvrloreena, neilallen, and elizabeth.
Blessings,
GreyBear
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prasnhym |
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Posted by:
prasnhym 
(Posted: 12/13/06 8:54am)
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Hey GB
Thanks for the post....our daughter is 5. It's never too early to start so i will be sending this page to my husband! Boy does he need the eye opener!  She SOOO has him wrapped around her little finger! We had 3 boys, and the week my baby was 18 graduating High School we received custody of an already much loved 18 month old niece. She is now as much a daughter to us as if i gave birth to her...my husband and my sons spoil her so! Pray for her please!
Blessings To You,
Tia
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songbird |
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Posted by:
songbird
(Posted: 04/13/07 5:43am)
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GB,
I totally agree!!!! As you very well know these were MY rules as a young girl growing up!! And I can say now as an adult, they did'nt kill me one bit!!!!!
BUT NOT having such strickness in dress, just could have!!!!!
Young girls today just do not give a thought to the message they send to the public by their outward appearance!!! Then so many wonder why boys/people in general look at them and judge their reputation on what they see!!!!!!!
Even with only having a son, my rules reflect those of my childhood!!!!
NO pants hanging below your waist!! I do NOT want to see the tops of your boxers/whatever sticking out of your pants!! NO vulgar images on shirts, EX.....
Respect ME ,no half dressed girls on shirts!!!!
And NO piercings, NO tatoos!!!!!!!!!!!!! (well at 18 he has a cross on his shoulder!!) Done without my knowing!! WITH his Father!! BUT as long as he lives with ME there will be NO MORE!!
So YES! EVEN SON's NEED rules for proper dress!!!!!!!!!
AND as a mother I have taught my son what a "good" girl should be dressing like also!! I want him to make good choices in that area!!!! MORE, does not mean better!!
THANKS for sharing GB!!!
Boy does that bring back memories!!!!!! LOL!!
His humble servant,
Songbird!
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poodlelady |
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Posted by:
poodlelady
(Posted: 04/13/07 9:17am)
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Rules are nothing more than Rules if you don't have the relationship -it's the relationship that makes the rules workable.
Great Blog
God Bless
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blackrose65 |
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Posted by:
blackrose65
(Posted: 05/26/07 6:15pm)
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GB, you are one awesome dad. I wish my dad had as much sense. My dad had a bad  habit and couldn't see me for the animosity he had toward my mother. Nor could he appreciate me for the individual that I am. He kept trying to mold me and shape me into the son he never had. Thank God for Jesus! Through Him, I have learned about my heavenly father, that loves me, honors me and protects me.
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withoutdoubt |
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Posted by:
withoutdoubt
(Posted: 07/28/07 12:03am)
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I am glad for parents like you. Some may think that you are too harsh, however I say that many of them are too lenient. At least it is obvious to us, and your daughter that you care(although she may not always admit it or like it).
Click here to visit WithoutDoubt.net for for an edgy new Christian clothing line!! Check it out!
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dgerbino |
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Posted by:
dgerbino
(Posted: 07/28/07 4:58am)
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GB -
Your post brought back memories for me as well. My dad had strict rules for me too. No shorts (yes, NO shorts) once I hit a certain age, no swimming in a pool with boys (that was a real HARD one for me) and of course, only one-piece swimsuits, as well as most of the other same rules you have with your daughter. I give you KUDOS for sticking to your guns. We need more fathers like you today. It seems that "anything goes" in today's society and it's very disheartening. There may be a day your daughter isn't so understanding of your rules, but she knows the reason why, and that's HUGE. Even through those years (if you have them) she'll be thankful later on (as I am now) that you cared enough to be so strict with her.
You're a great dad, Greybear!! 
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catholicchristian |
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Posted by:
catholicchristian
(Posted: 08/22/07 5:57am)
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I also have a teenage daughter. From day one she knew what we expected and we explained it to her. We also chose a Catholic school that promotes modesty in dress. SO from all areas she is getting the same message. We've never encountered any problems, because this has always been the norm in our home and in her school. I was joking with my daughter the other day that if she ever did bring home clothes that were inappropriate, they'd be burned in the fire. We laughed about it, but she knows that nothing will come in this house that is inappropriate. I think sometimes parents forget that they are the parents. Can there be compromise? Sure, as long as you aren't completely selling out your beliefs. We promote modesty because we want our daughter to know that she is a child of God. She is not some piece of meat to be discarded. She understands just how valuable a person she is and has the unconditional love of her father. Father's play a SIGNIFICANT role in the life of their daughter's. Teaching modesty is a must, however the love from her father is equally if not even MORE important to promoting self worth. In general girls will not feel the need to go out and sell themselves by hiking up their skirt if they understand why they should dress modestly and have that love and unconditional support from their father.
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 09/14/07 12:03pm)
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Just one more list of places to find more conservative or modest clothing choices.
These may not be the fashion my girls choose, but yours might!
Happy Shopping at Modest Clothings
Blessings,
PapaBear
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greybear |
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Posted by:
greybear
(Posted: 09/14/07 12:10pm)
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Wow, now here is a subject I really had not thought about. (well my oldest girl is only 13) But a subject that certainly should be included here as we look at Modesty in every step of living for Christ.
Modesty on Your Wedding Day!
Here is a little snippet from that page:
Blessings,
GreyBear
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mochabkjoe |
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Posted by:
mochabkjoe
(Posted: 10/14/07 4:54pm)
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Fabulous discussion, and I like the rules so much I might even print them out! And dressing modestly does not mean you cant be fashionable, either. It takes a little bit of extra work, but often we can tailor the latest fashion into a modest version. (There are some trends we have flat out said no to, like the words Juicy and Sexy printed on their bottoms!) We've been raising the kids to dislike things like "Bratz" and other sexy dolls, and eve we don't buy Barbie trashy clothes, either. At this point the kids really take pride in dressing modestly, and we are encouraging their friends too, as well!
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beloveddaughterofgod |
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Posted by:
beloveddaughterofgod
(Posted: 11/02/07 12:15am)
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I'm totally with poodlelady on this one:
"Rules are nothing more than Rules if you don't have the relationship -it's the relationship that makes the rules workable.
Great Blog
God Bless"
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tornconflicts |
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Posted by:
tornconflicts
(Posted: 11/30/07 4:22pm)
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As an independent teen... I wear what I can afford. If I wasn't broke I'd wear the same worn out jeans I have on right now. Other than the fact they are tired... they are in your guidelines. Modesty and self-respect are very attractive traits in a young girl... It's an almost unheard of practice in today's world. In time I'm sure she will appreciate the love and attention she is getting from her "old man". *poke* ;-)
In love,
tornconflicts
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