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The Bump in the Road is Not Mt. Fuji
I will just start out to say that I have been overwhelmed to say the least. Literally hanging by a thread and my dear mother in her infirmity has been criticizing that very thread I am hanging on. It makes it doubly hard. I know that more than likely this is her suppressed anger at the whole situation coming out on me, who is her caregiver and one she knows will love her anyway. She does not know the Lord so confronting death must be a very scary thing but she keeps all her feelings bottled up inside and it comes out as attacks on me. Sunday morning I went to church in tears and the wife of our friend whom has ALS was in tears and in her sorrow she comforted me and gave me words of wisdom I am so blessed. As I took Mom to have her blood transfusion she criticized my driving the whole way there, I confess I wanted to scream. Then she makes it abundantly clear as I make dinner every night that she does not like the way I cook vegetables and she is continually trying to convince me to change it. And making remarks if I do not. Can I be honest? I want to tell her to make her own vegetables because I just cant do it right no matter how hard I try! I need to vent and it is better that I do not vent at her, I have to make sure I hide my face when she makes these remarks, because I do not have a poker face.
Then to top things off I have been myself experiencing some health issues that I have been trying to ignore but they are making it abundantly clear that I had better go to the doctor. I have been having back and pelvic pain and my urinary functions, have been well, kind of off. It has become rare when I am not in pain and my little mind is saying now it is me who has cancer and I just want to bury my head in the sand.
I home school and to say the least the myriad of doc appointments has thrown our schedule all off and if it keeps up we might not get done till July and that makes me want to cry. My marriage has really been struggling and again to be honest I have felt like just walking out the door. As hard as I try to please everyone and care for their needs what I do just never seems to be good enough for those whom I am serving. OK the small violin can come out and play a sad tune for my pity party, I feel so at the end of my rope. And my family just doesnt seem to see that I need them to come along side of me and pick up the slack so we can pull through this together instead it is everyone is biting off each others heads.
Yesterday I explained to my kids how we need to pull together and help one another and how mommy really needs some help. I told them it is like a man who can barely walk and is dragging along a lame leg and you do not come up to him and say "Ill help you Ill brush your hair" He does not need his hair brushed he needs someone to put their arms out to help support him so he does not fall. You do not go up to him and hand him a backpack full of rocks to carry while he is lame, no he needs his burdens relieved. I am that man right now.
So we are going to the library yesterday and my 9 year old is ranting and raving about some little thing and I said to her "You are making a mountain out of mole hill and no that bump in the road is not Mt. Fuji." And I had to say that to myself, no these bumps that we have been facing are not Mt. Fuji and with the Lords help even if they are, He will help me climb them. Just a little faith will move the mountains. Why is every bump Mt. Fuji and why do we as a family try to push others down as we try to climb instead of banding together so we can face it together?
I need His wisdom so we can flesh this out . I need His strength so I can climb. I need His mercy to give to those whom are struggling with me. I need the scales removed from my eyes so I can see clearly. I need His words so I can give hope to my mother. I must decrease so He can increase. I believe I have been relying on my own strength and mine is small and I need to let go.
I am off taking Mom to her oncologist and urologist today. More bumps, may I have a positive outlook and His strength and not let the myriad of mumblings bring me down. May my eyes remain firmly planted on Him and not the bumps.
Thank you for enduring this pity party and thank you for the prayers. I would not have made it without them.