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I have been upset and a bit angry with God for several months now. First of all, because I felt He was telling me through various methods that a certain Christian woman I knew was to be my one true love... my soulmate. -Now that felt crazy even to me because I had not even met this woman yet, and to be honest after having only been released a few months after being incarcerated sixteen years directly due to a bad marriage... I was not real thrilled with the idea of jumping into another relationship so quickly. Then when I did meet her... it was like ZAP! -And the feeling seem to be mutual. -But to my surprise... and it really was surprising because my feelings were so strong, she did not feel as strongly about me as I did about her. -It was also true that we both had issues from previous marriages, but the biggest problem was her fear of commitment. -And it was that fear of commitment that eventually broke us up. Of course, I am not trying to say that was the only problem... but have you ever tried solving a problem when every time there is one the other person runs away? ...Literally?
Do you remember the last time your parents did something that made you mad? -Being mad at them did not mean that you didnt love them; it just meant that you were unhappy with something they had done. Well, for me, my love for God was the same. It never wavered, but I was confused because I felt that He had been guiding and directing me in this courtship. -So, I could not help but wonder if Satan had deceived me somehow... because if not, then the alternative was that God lied to me. &123;was it just me, or did anyone else just hear a collective gasp when I said that? &125; -The problem was that I did not see any of the warning signs that are part of Satans usual pattern of lies and deception... -So what could it mean?
So now I had a problem... why would God have me fall in love with a Christian woman who did not love me? -So I had to ask myself, had God lied to me or had I been listening to Satan? All that completely confused me. Satan would promote lust, not love... and where were the other lies I would expect to be present if Satan were deceiving? This woman did not lie to me, cheat on me, nor do something mean or evil to me. She just didnt have the same unconditional love for me that I had for her. -And her feelings for me were just not strong enough to overcome her fear of commitment. See the problem now? The alternate to thinking Satan had deceived me was to think that God had lied to me... -Not an idea I wanted to contemplate.
I made my peace with it... or at least I thought I had. I just shelved the whole thing, and tried to get on with my life and my relationship with the Lord. -But something was missing. Some spark was no longer there... and part of that spark... my ability to write out what I was thinking and feeling suddenly seem dead. I have always felt it is God who directs my hands as I write, and that the words I write in my blogs come from Him. He helps me understand the lessons that I learn through my trials and tribulations, so not being able to blog was almost as big a shock as the actual breakup with my Lady. It has taken me several long months to begin to understand. I see now that this break in my writing was not a punishment, but an opportunity to adsorb the lessons He wished me to learn. I am not quite sure what that entire lesson is yet, but I am seeing the results of it all around me. I see it in comments I make on other peoples blogs, and in advice I give. I see it in the way I approach dating now, how I look at relationships and how I treat others. I have started to understand bits and pieces of what I did not understand before including the fact that I am truly capable of unconditional love... putting someone elses needs before my own.
So why did I need this lesson, you ask? -It was all about trust, and it was about you, of course. I wanted to love again, but I was scared. I feared betrayal and, most of all, I feared being hurt again. I know, even as I admit that, there are those of you that are hearing your own thoughts and fears echoed in my words. I feared that with all the scars on my heart that I would never truly be able to trust a woman enough to be able to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt so badly again. -What I learned was that I could... and that I could love someone enough to let her go if that was what she needed to be happy. -And finally, with that understanding came the empathy to understand how you felt, and your fears. I have been asked often how I can bare my soul so often in these blogs, and the answer is, because of you. To hide our trials is to deny an important part of our witness. -It is that witness that Satan fears... because when I have the courage to share what God has done for me, it is not just me that is affected. It is you, and then everyone you share with, and then everyone they share with... -So hear what I profess... there was still something broken within me that God has now healed. Just as He has revealed this to me, I pray He will reveal it to that special lady, and to you. God wants nothing more than to help you, but we must be willing to ask for that help, and to have the courage to accept the healing. Amen?
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