Shani Matthews @shanijane

  I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 48 years, 10 months and 19 days.

  I have published 100 blogs and 276 comments.

 My first blog was published on Friday 14th of November 2008.

 My most recent blog was published on Sunday 9th of September 2018.

My Blog Archive
a blog about something people dont talk about
Published
September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day so thought I would take an opportunity to write a blog which might make people feel uncomfortable. Obviously it s not my intention to do so but I honestly believe we need to be talking about it.     A...
In and out.
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Just a heads up, this blog is about my experience with Panic Attacks.  It s like a switch flicks off in my brain.   My breathing picks up, and all of a sudden, the walls are closing in. I look down; the way my heart is thumping, I feel like you can...
The one thing I need to hear
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I know I don t need approval from other people, however I have fallen into the trap of sometimes thinking I do. In saying that, I have always believed in doing things for myself and not others; because then I didn t do it for them, I did it for me....
Choosing to be brave
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What does it mean to be brave?   It means to take one more step.   Out of bed. Out the door. Into work.   It means to push anxiety to the side; daring to take another single breath, knowing the one after will come a little easier.   To be brave is to...
Waiting room anxiety
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I sit down at the seat in the corner the farthest away from people and check the time.    09:10 a.m. Five minutes until my appointment.   Loud noises. People chatting. Kids screaming. Phones ringing.   OK, breathe. You got this. It s OK.   Hands...
My old mate Panic.
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  My hands start shaking. I cannot breathe. I know these feelings. I...
3am ramblings.
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It starts like an itch, and then my face is wet. It is not raining. The sky is clear, especially for this time of night. I am crying. Barely five minutes ago, I was fine.   The depression drowns out the mania and sometimes they mix like a cocktail,...
Lessons from the looney bin
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When people hear, I ve been admitted to the looney bin, their automatic response is usually to stutter, change the subject or frown apologetically. It isn t exactly typical water fountain conversation. The problem with this response is that it would...
My big old secret
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Shani, I know you aren t going to want to hear this. But given your symptoms, I think your depression is really bipolar 2.   I sat there, looking at the psychiatrist, dumbfounded. No, no, that doesn t seem right. No way. My mind was spinning, trying...
My Name is Shani
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My name is Shani and I m OK.   I might not be. In fact, there s a high probability that I m not. I won t admit that to you though, because I can t even truly admit it to myself. There s a voice inside my head that s screaming, desperately needing me...
The Monster and Me
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Before I could name you, I thought I was nothing more than you. The monsters I thought were living under my bed were nothing compared to you, the monster in my mind—a never satisfied monster named: Shame. No matter how fast I ran in the...
You know me
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You know me. I live in your town. I work in your community. I play sports, I support local charities and groups, I work hard and play hard and you say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don’t know...
Stop apologising for existing
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Sorry. Sorry. Pardon. Excuse me. Sorry. With the onset of depression and anxiety, “sorry” became my favorite word. Sorry for bumping into you, even if you hardly noticed. Sorry my hair sticks up on one side and I’m not wearing...
Just another mental health blog
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“You still don’t think you deserve therapy.” Barb, my psychologist finished our session with today. I sat in silence, staring deeply into her eyes. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, because she’s right. I instantly felt a...
I see you
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Excuse me? Yes, you. Hi, there. Come sit with me for a minute. I want you to know something. I see you. I see you avoiding eye contact. I see you with your head down, staring at your feet, sure that you have nothing to offer. I see you with glazed...
My Anxiety Nightmare
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Today, my anxiety nightmare came true: I had a panic attack in front of my staff. I experienced my first massive panic attack when I was a young teenager. I was convinced I was having a heart attack, but I didn’t tell my mum because my...
Bon Voyage 2016
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Well, it’s the New Year, and looking back on the year that's been, boy has it been nuts! There are things I have done well, like learned a lot about myself and my demons and things I haven't done so well such as kept up on this blog....
At my table.
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I am sitting at the table with Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. I realise that all of these things are part of me, which means that technically I am both a guest at the tableandthe table itself. I am here to remind the other three that I am a bright,...
The whispers of PTSD
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Sept 10 is world suicide prevention day so thought I would do a quick awareness blog about some of my mental health issues and some things which we need to shed some more light on. My psychologist has/is helping me work through PTSD and developmental...
the lies of depression.
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My particular method was going to be a concoction of prescription pills. I had about 50 or so of them, all different types, all different shapes, all bright white. Some of them piled up and over each other, some of them stuck to the sweaty skin of my...
Why it's taken so long to write again
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It's been a long long time since I have written a blog. To be completely honest with you, part of the reason is that my faith has been struggling and my mind, full of doubt the last year or so. I haven't had real consistent, in-depth, intimate...
I think you are brave
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The first time I had a panic attack, I thought it was just asthma. I was at church surrounded by friends, singing, and suddenly, I couldn't breathe right. I wound up sitting on a bench in the bathroom, watching the white tiled room shrink....
When it's ok to not be ok.
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Empty- adjective- containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents “Hi, my name is Shani and I am empty.” This is the disclaimer that I wish I could say out loud when I meet someone these days. It would save us both a lot...
Ramblings for the scar bearers who feel left behind.
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She sat quiet and still with such deep pain etched on her face, it hurt to look at her. She did not say a word but her lack of speech said plenty. It said that she was having a hard time sleeping again. It said that she was feeling alone and sad and...
The hardest letter I will ever write
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This weeks homework from my psychologist was probably the hardest ive had to do. She asked me to write him a letter telling him what I wanted him to know. And this is all I could give... You are my rapist. I never used to call you that. Sometimes you...