I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 27 days.

  I have published 92 blogs and 266 comments.

 My most recent blog was published: Nov 26 2017 03:38:30am

 I currently live in: Australia.
  Blog Archive
Lessons from the looney bin
published . 6 min read
When people hear, I ve been admitted to the looney bin, their automatic response is usually to stutter, change the subject or frown apologetically. It isn t exactly typical water fountain conversation. The problem with this response is that it would usually trigger shame in someone.    I ll let you in on a little secret.   I am not ashamed of being in the mental hospital. (Anymore)    When I entered here, I expected to fight the monsters inside my mind, but what I didn t expect was to fight alongside the bravest and most genuine people I ve ever come across.   I awake to the sounds of chattering nurses, high-pitched beeping machinery and rolling wheels against the grainy carpeting. Time for vitals! I hear as I will my eyes to open to the nightmare that is my reality.    Another......
My big old secret
published . 2 min read
Shani, I know you aren t going to want to hear this. But given your symptoms, I think your depression is really bipolar 2.   I sat there, looking at the psychiatrist, dumbfounded. No, no, that doesn t seem right. No way. My mind was spinning, trying desperately to comprehend his words. In that moment, nothing seemed to make any sense.   Bipolar. The word still tastes like Vinegar.    Now it s 6 day old vinegar.    6 days since the diagnosis and most are a blur.    Bipolar. Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. No matter how I say it, it doesn t get any easier.  I have tried to use mood disorder or depressed instead because in my messed up brain, I  think it will have less stigma, but i know the truth. At the moment of diagnosis, i have gone from being that person the......
My name is shani
published . 1 min read
My name is Shani and I m OK.   I might not be. In fact, there s a high probability that I m not. I won t admit that to you though, because I can t even truly admit it to myself. There s a voice inside my head that s screaming, desperately needing me to reach out, to let someone in, to let the people that love me be there the way they want to be, but the inability to let myself be vulnerable with anyone wins out every time. I can t show my weakness, that means I m not strong, and that is not an option, because that s all I want to be, for myself and for those close to me. So instead, I bottle those feelings up and push them down as far as I possibly can.   My name is Shani and I m OK.   You can see that I m not, but I ll continue to tell you that I am, even if there are tears streaming......
The monster and me
published . 2 min read
Before I could name you, I thought I was nothing more than you. The monsters I thought were living under my bed were nothing compared to you, the monster in my mind—a never satisfied monster named: Shame. No matter how fast I ran in the direction of self acceptance, you’d catch up and whisper, “You are innately wrong. There is nothing good about you. You don’t matter.” You left me with a painful weight in my chest after each perceived mistake. You left me with paralysing fear after laughing loudly or talking a bit too much. You left me with my hands shaking each time I was corrected no matter how gently. You left me to spend hours locked in my dark closet letting my tears soak the carpeted floor. Soon, you got smarter. You became meaner than the bullies. You......
You know me
published . 4 min read
You know me. I live in your town. I work in your community. I play sports, I support local charities and groups, I work hard and play hard and you say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don’t know about the trauma that changed my life. I’ve never been in a war zone. Except for the one going on in my head. The war in my head is where my own body becomes my enemy as I struggle to slow my breathing, calm my shaking legs and stop the panic that invades every fiber of my being. I couldn’t hold a gun even if I wanted to. I know the science. Inside out, back to front. I know my body is responding physiologically to a perceived threat. I also know that right now, in this exact moment, there is no threat. But try telling that to my......
Stop apologising for existing
published . 1 min read
Sorry. Sorry. Pardon. Excuse me. Sorry. With the onset of depression and anxiety, “sorry” became my favorite word. Sorry for bumping into you, even if you hardly noticed. Sorry my hair sticks up on one side and I’m not wearing makeup. Sorry for laughing in really uncomfortable moments. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry for not knowing what I want to really do with my life. Sorry that my leg bounces up and down and it distracts you. Sorry for stopping training sessions because my heart is not doing what it used to do. Sorry for taking up space. Sorry for being sad or scared. Sorry for not smiling as brightly as you expect me to, or for not paying you the attention you deserve when you tell me about your day. Sorry for needing a ride instead of growing up and getting a license.......
Just another mental health blog
published . 2 min read
“You still don’t think you deserve therapy.” Barb, my psychologist finished our session with today. I sat in silence, staring deeply into her eyes. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, because she’s right. I instantly felt a nervous childish giggle creep up, which is my coping mechanism when I feel deeply uncomfortable. I’ve faithfully come to every session weekly for the last year and a half. I listen intently, take notes, do my homework, journal and take my medications mostly. In other words, I strive to be a “good patient,” one who she will enjoy working with. Is it because I’m a perfectionist? Partly. Is it because I really want to heal my trauma? Partly. But the truth is, a lot of my “overachieving” in sessions is simply a......
I see you
published . 2 min read
Excuse me? Yes, you. Hi, there. Come sit with me for a minute. I want you to know something. I see you. I see you avoiding eye contact. I see you with your head down, staring at your feet, sure that you have nothing to offer. I see you with glazed eyes, red from tears, and a perpetual frown on your face.i see you struggling to make the “easiest” decisions. I see you faking a smile and telling those around you that of course you’re OK. I see that you believe that they don’t truly care. I see that you believe they couldn’t help even if they did. I see you. And I know. I know your pain. Your sadness. Your emptiness. I know you feel like a burden and a loser and a failure. I know you are tired, so very tired, of feeling this way. I know you are exhausted from......
My anxiety nightmare
published . 2 min read
Today, my anxiety nightmare came true: I had a panic attack in front of my staff. I experienced my first massive panic attack when I was a young teenager. I was convinced I was having a heart attack, but I didn’t tell my mum because my grandfather had just passed away from one. I felt embarrassed and dramatic, so I decided to keep it hidden to avoid drawing attention to myself. My abuse history opened a padlocked door that’s now permanently propped open, and I never know when the next panic attack will strike. Many people would describe me as someone who never stops smiling, always makes people laugh, has the ability to instantly light up the room and just seems to effortlessly go through life - the 'Happy-go-lucky' type of girl. In my work space I am very capable and......
Bon voyage 2016
published . 2 min read
Well, it’s the New Year, and looking back on the year that's been, boy has it been nuts! There are things I have done well, like learned a lot about myself and my demons and things I haven't done so well such as kept up on this blog. I’ve cried and mourned the passing of many stars and celebrities. I've also cried and grieved over the loss of far too many people I know and love. I've seen tragedy and destruction and families break. I've seen friendships thrown away over the most ridiculous things. I've seen the inside of the hospital far too many times and I've been poked, prodded, tested and scanned in an attempt to give my messed up body a real substantial diagnosis. All that being said, I’ve also laughed and laughed at life’s quirks......
At my table.
published . 2 min read
I am sitting at the table with Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. I realise that all of these things are part of me, which means that technically I am both a guest at the tableandthe table itself. I am here to remind the other three that I am a bright, kind, lovable force, but they have thoughts of their own. PTSD is the loudest. He shouts indignantly that he doesn't want to do anything, or it's unsafe to be here. He eggs on anxiety and brings Panic to the table most days. He screams that we can't focus, that I can't trust any men, that I'm stupid, or, or, or! But he's really just terrified that maybe we aren't as brave or strong as we were told we were. Anxiety sits jittery in her chair, neurotically picking at her cuticles or twirling her hair.She worries that if......
The whispers of ptsd
published . 2 min read
Sept 10 is world suicide prevention day so thought I would do a quick awareness blog about some of my mental health issues and some things which we need to shed some more light on. My psychologist has/is helping me work through PTSD and developmental trauma. This blog isn't spiritual/religous or full of theology but is more of an insight into a dark place. These are the things no one tells you about trauma: You become someone who has a before and after. You become someone who has been unmistakably altered. You become fluent in a different kind of language, one that you picked up somewhere you didn't mean to go. It replaces your mother tongue. It falls on deaf ears. The syllables collapse and die in your mouth, a beginning and an ending wrapped in one. You learn that words have a......
The lies of depression.
published . 3 min read
My particular method was going to be a concoction of prescription pills. I had about 50 or so of them, all different types, all different shapes, all bright white. Some of them piled up and over each other, some of them stuck to the sweaty skin of my hand, some nestled into the crevices of my cupped palm. But they were all there. I didn't count how many were in my hand, but it was enough. I had my back against the side of the bathtub, I could feel the cold tiles through my pjs and thin socks. It was a moment where I believed all the lies that depression was whispering violently in my ears - it's better this way. I'm a burden on everyone around me. My family and my friends are better off without me. I believed every single one of those things. Because that's what depression......
Why it's taken so long to write again
published . 2 min read
It's been a long long time since I have written a blog. To be completely honest with you, part of the reason is that my faith has been struggling and my mind, full of doubt the last year or so. I haven't had real consistent, in-depth, intimate time with God in quite some time. But it is not for lack of motivation. Let me give you a little background on my own struggle to have 'quiet time'. Contrary to expectation, it has little to do with an inability to wake up early in the morning or stay up later.Rather, it stems from a much bigger picture. This past 18 months or so has been super hard for me on a multitude of different levels. I currently have uncertainty about my health and my families health. I have had people who once walked with me, leave me. I have new stresses......
I think you are brave
published . 2 min read
The first time I had a panic attack, I thought it was just asthma. I was at church surrounded by friends, singing, and suddenly, I couldn't breathe right. I wound up sitting on a bench in the bathroom, watching the white tiled room shrink. It's the most afraid I've ever felt. Two mates ended up taking me to the hospital, which I don't remember. When I was released around midnight, I had a bag full of brochures, a hospital bracelet, and somehow, only one shoe. The people in that church whom I looked to didn't think about anxiety as a medical condition. There was this unspoken belief that anxiety was something people chose. Most conversations implied that anxiety was about how I “didn't trust God enough,” or how if I just prayed harder, everything would go......
When it's ok to not be ok.
published . 1 min read
Empty- adjective- containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents “Hi, my name is Shani and I am empty.” This is the disclaimer that I wish I could say out loud when I meet someone these days. It would save us both a lot of trouble; me the trouble of having to act like I'm all good, them the trouble of trying to figure out just what it is,that's wrong with me. There's nothing “wrong” I'm just empty. I have none of the “usual or appropriate contents” . Oh, there are contents, just not appropriate ones. Where there should be peace, there is anger. Where there should be trust, there is worry. Where there should be faith, there is doubt. I am empty. Life, circumstances, trials, let downs... all have piled up and left me......
Ramblings for the scar bearers who feel left behind.
published . 3 min read
She sat quiet and still with such deep pain etched on her face, it hurt to look at her. She did not say a word but her lack of speech said plenty. It said that she was having a hard time sleeping again. It said that she was feeling alone and sad and angry. It said that she wanted to crawl into a hole and protect herself from everything around her. It said that every breath that tore through her lungs was just a reminder of a heartache I never wanted to imagine. She was bleeding raw with a wound so deep and jagged it will be impossible for it to ever be smooth. The rough and ragged edges will heal slowly with a constant ache. Forever, the person who she is, who she was, will be marked by a certain pain. And she’s not the only one. One after another, I hear the wounds and see the......
The hardest letter i will ever write
published . 1 min read
This weeks homework from my psychologist was probably the hardest ive had to do. She asked me to write him a letter telling him what I wanted him to know. And this is all I could give... You are my rapist. I never used to call you that. Sometimes you were “ an old friend” or “the guy who raped me”; mostly all I could call you was “him.” But as I grow in age and in indebtedness to Mercy, I grow in a real and mysterious strength. And I do not want you, but I will claim you: You are my rapist. And that makes you mine to forgive. You wielded power of body and crushed my spirit, but spirit can be renewed. And I am new, and my power is still not body, but it is surely Spirit. You used your power to take, and I will use mine to give. I do not give you......
When all that is left is a smile
published . 2 min read
My smile is my umbrella. This silent smile, which hints at knowing some deep delicious secret. The smile that keeps people in their place and me in mine. It certainly doesn’t invite further inquiry. What can you truly ask someone whose smile never falls? Who tells you it’s all fine. It’s always fine. Who makes you feel unprepared, ravaged by storm and nature and all things messy. Because you can’t just smile when things are not fine. So you stay away. And I smile, because it worked. My smile is my umbrella. It deflects the world’s weather with an air of independence. The “I’m fine” of unaffectedness. Under it I can no longer feel the sun soaking hot into my bare skin, I can’t feel the soft kisses of the raindrops on my freshly dried......
Dark and lovely?!? i get this!
published . 1 min read
Song of Solomon is one of those books in the bible that beckons me to read more. No... it’s not the over-the-top analogies that draw my interest (read: “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing.” That’s in there. I promise) but I find myself intrigued by the love story being poured out over the pages. Fresh-shorn-sheep-talk and all. As of late, this particular portion of the book has been pulling at my heart: I am dark, but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, Like the tents of Kedar, Like the curtains of Solomon. Do not look upon me, because I am dark... -Song of Solomon 1:5-6 Here we see a bride acknowledging her condition...her darkness (which is obviously something she is not proud of ) and then, in the very same sentence, she......
The monsters in our lives
published . 2 min read
...The wild things cried, “Oh please don’t go – we’ll eat you up – we love you so!” And Max said, “No!” The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws but Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye -Maurice Sendak from Where the Wild Things Are I have always loved children's books, even after they were no longer appropriate for my reading level. The pictures drew me back to a world of imagination, magic, and wonder. I still wander into the children's section of my local bookstores and run my hands across old favorites and new discoveries. When my younger siblings, nieces and friends celebrate a birthday, there is no greater joy or......
A little look at hope.
published . 2 min read
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick Our English dictionary defines hope as "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence." It springs forth our of the belief that things can and will be different. That we have purpose and a future. But hope for some is risky. What if you grew up in a world where disappointment and pain were everyday occurrences? What if you grew up in a family where the idea of hope was not only insignificant but dangerous. Hope meant opening yourself up to the possibility of disappointment, and that had happened too many times to count. The word "deferred" in Hebrew is "mashak" which literally means to sieze or scatter. Hope seized and scattered makes the heart sick, and more importantly it makes the heart hard. For......
Change in the air.
published . 2 min read
I have a lot of topics for blogs going through my mind lately but nothing is really making any coherent sense right now. I go forward and start putting some words on the computer screen, and my mind just goes in all different directions to the point I can't really make a complete thought, flow the way I know it needs to go. As I began to analyze this, this morning it dawned on me, I'm going through a drastic change right now. In the past month, God has been transforming my life in a multitude of ways. In the past month: - My parents have learned of the sexual abuse and what really happened. ( yes I had lied about it for quite some time with them) - My parents have been told we are moving at the end of this year. - Some relationships that I thought were friendships have turned out......
It wasnt that long ago.
published . 3 min read
Im sorry for writting this blog but its like nearly 12.30am and i cant sleep due to the amount of crap i have floating around in my head. I am so aware that it is New Years day and i should be happy and what not.. But new years eve and the days that follow are the most challenging days in my personal calender. 8 years ago, on new years eve, i was sexually abused, So come this time of the year, i am somewhat sensitive and fragile. But bear with me, i promise this blog isnt about looking for someone to say poor shani or anything like that.. I still remember like it was yesterday the day I spoke to Barb about 'it' . What would I call it when I talked about it? Would I have to use the 'R' word? I couldn't tell her about the sweat, about the touching, about the body parts.......
Along came god.
published . 2 min read
God formed me in my mother's womb! That can be comforting to most, but not to a child that is born into an abusive home. Abuse is tossed around today to describe an angry push, a frustrated scream or any action that harms another. When I was growing up what happened at home, stayed at home. it was something that was not ever spoken about at the time and we were not allowed to tell anyone else. Maybe mum thought if we just ignored it, it would go away.. I dont know.What i do know is, I walked around thinking it was just the norm. So everyone thought my family had it together. I was the baby of 3. Between myself,my siblings and my social scene, i was known as the friendly, fearless, funny peacemaker. However, at home peace was a foreign concept - I knew about survival, fear and torment......
Thoughts and ramblings.
published . 2 min read
"Shani, are you comfortable? Do you trust me? You are in a safe place, Now gently close your eyes. As you begin to re encounter your experience, i want you to verbally tell me what you are thinking, what you can see, what you can hear, what you can feel, what you can taste and what you can smell. Dont be ashamed or embarrased. Dont miss bits. If it comes to memory, tell me. On a scale of 1 to 10, How anxious are you? 1 being completely calm, 10 being completely overwhelmed and shutting down. I need you to be honest with me, so that this trauma therapy is a success" This is where im at with my psychologist. Her and i are doing trauma therapy. Fun? Heck no! Painful? YES! Do i want to be there? NO. Do i need to be there? YES! Without getting into it all too much, Barb and i have......
Under the knife.
published . 2 min read
I have been in pain all week. I'm physically fine this is an emotional pain that I m writing about. I certainly feel it, but I couldn't tell you what it was about until now. I am in surgery. The great physician is cutting deep inside me and rooting out core issues that have caused me pain for as long as I can remember. And, this isn't a simple surgery for He is going deeper and deeper and going after the root. Although, it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I know it is necessary. In fact, its the best thing that could ever happen to me. The first surgery happened on thursday and after 3 days of recuperating, I was back on the table. I guess X-rays (my behaviour) must have showed that they didn t get it all. So today , I went back under the knife. As with any......
The journey thus far.
published . 2 min read
As i look back on my 21 years of life, i cant help but feel that the journey so far, has encountered so much heartbreak and most of the time has left me in a place of uncertainty and disillusionment. Growing up, I lived in a home which opened me up to the world of Domestic Violence and abuse. At 8 years of age, my parents finally divorced and both parents went off in search of a new partner. Whilst the divorce was the best and safest thing they could have done, the betrayal and loss i felt from my father leaving was something that took me quite some time to get over. At 13, I was raped by a man whom was a family friend. This man was twice my age. This opened up my world to a whole new life of drugs, alcohol, depression and the suicidal thoughts. This also just reaffirmed my thoughts and......
Am i beautiful?
published . 2 min read
Yesterday i went and picked Jodie up from school. It was 3pm, the bell had rung 10 mins ago, all of the other childrens parents had picked up their kids and cleared out and Jodie was no where to be seen. As i began to walk up to the front office, i heard a voice from around the corner and low and behold, it was Jods. She grabbed her bag off the bag rack and we began to walk home. As we were walking home she began to tell me about her day what she had learned, who got in trouble etc and then she began to apologise for being late in the afternoon ( it really didnt bother me lol) . She began to tell me why she was late and that a girl in the grade below her, Anna, who has Downsyndrome, had got herself all upset because her friend didnt come to take her to the afterhour school care room.......
A bright memory from a dark place.
published . 3 min read
We were quite the unlikely pair, she and I. She, dressed in black from head to toe, hid beneath the black hair always covering her face. I, dressed in whatever would cover me the most, hid beneath the face of perfection. She lived in the world where numb was the only available emotion; I lived in the world that never ran out of tears. We didn't meet in the most ideal of circumstances. In fact, we were both pretty much as far rock bottom as rock bottom can get. I didn't plan on talking to anyone there. With my face toward the white walls and my chair back against the room, I was pretty much unapproachable. She found me, nevertheless. As she sat down at the table and turned her chair toward mine, I was already planning an excuse to hightail it out of there. There were weirdos here,......
If only i knew then what i know now.
published . 3 min read
Dear little Shani, You sweet bouncy child with raspberry bubble gum cheeks, eyes that illuminate the world, and a smile that runs to the core of the earth. You ve mastered even the most complex motor skills like you were born to create, invent and explore. You were. You will do great things. Just look at what you ve already created for yourself. You have a family ( who as complex as they may be) have rallied around you in support of your everyday existence and who stand in amazement at everything you do. You are kind of a big deal, after all. Sure, you're small, but you'll grow big, tall, and strong. You surpass all expectations and wow everyone around you. You just have this special way of being in the world that captures the spirit of all who know you. You can't help but......
Like a child.
published . 1 min read
When I was a little girl I thought I could be anyone I wanted to be, do anything I wanted to do , work anywhere, reach any goal, make any dream a reality. The sky was the limit. Somehow, something happened along the way...I learnt how to be afraid, how to back down. I quickly realised that confidence is something that you can lose as quickly as you find it; I found out that not everyone wants me to succeed in life. Last week, I was outside watching my little sister Mackenzie ( who's all of 3 years old now ) playing with our dad. She was jumping into his arms and pretending that she could fly. Shani look at me! Look at me Shani, Im flying! She thought she could fly and there's nothing I could say or do to convince her otherwise. She wasn't scared or anxious, because she knew......
Week at conference
published . 2 min read
There was such a deep sense of the presence of God woven in every aspect of every day throughout the conference. Every song, item, creative element, sermon, combined stream and Masterclass did only one thing and that was to exalt Jesus Christ. We were left with a deep revelation of Gods love, grace, mercy, supremacy and sufficiency which compelled us all to take this Good News to a lost & hurting world. Who can forget the holy moment when the entire arena dropped to our knees to pray for unity & to repent of disunity. Who can forget Pastor Judah Smith opening the conference with his devine Opera. Who can forget ' Butter Chicken' leading us in worhip warmups. Who can forget the crowd singing 'Jesus Be The Centre' long after Israel Houghton and the band left the stage. Who......
Who's holding up your hands?
published . 2 min read
Just finished my workout. R U up? Have you taken the new medication yet? Doing this 'no buy it diet' with you is really helping me become aware of the money im wasting. " Have you read and understood the chapter we read the other day" Those are just a FEW of the text, Skype and Facebook messages I ve received recently, encouraging me to stick with my goals. Somehow, I have managed to stumble into accountability in just about every area of my life. From my faith to my health to my finance.. my goals are getting a boost from some amazing women. Grace sends me a text message, Facebook message or both every single day, asking me if I ve worked out and encouraging me to stick with it, give it my best and in general git er done! I told her she s like my own personal Jillian......
Poppy jims eulogy
published . 2 min read
On friday the 20 May, i woke up to news that my grandfather had passed away. After a short but incredibly hard fight with cancer, Pops body finally had enough. This coming wednesday the 25 May is his funeral and i have been asked to do a eulogy. How does one sum up 73 years of life into a few short minutes? ive tried my best to put together something which i can read... I hope this does Pop justice. Henry James once said, "Sorrow comes in great waves...but rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us, it leaves us. And we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain." I think grandchildren have a special vantage point. By the time we meet our grandparents, they ve probably made most of their mistakes and learned most of their lessons.......
The seed of rejection
published . 3 min read
My King is His tenderness has been removing things that have been in me for years, that were never meant to be there, and slowly revealing the real me that He designed and puposed me to be. He is dealing with the root of my depression and also dealing with another root deep seeded inside of me - rejection. The earliest memories as a little girl was feelings of rejection by my siblings. In reality, they loved me and didn't reject me. I cant say i had a stable home, but as a child, i knew amongst the fighting and the abuse, my parents loved me and brothers cared for me. But in my tiny heart, I felt rejected by them. I would burst into tears daily and was called 'a sook' because of it. All I wanted was to feel accepted and loved. I felt rejected. Where did this lie deep in my......
My friend rory.
published . 1 min read
i was talking to @kreynolds this morning and i shared with her something that i came across when looking at a friend of mines facebook page. Some of you may remember my friend, his name was Rory. Rory was sadly take away from this world a few months back. i wrote a blog about the life and legacy this young man left called Never Far Away, but i just wanted to also post this clip. Ive watched this quite a few times today and eachtime i find myself just in awe of his outlook on life, in awe of his faith and in awe of his courage. I want to have this faith that radiates off me like Rorys did. i dont really have much of a blog to write with this.. i just mainly wanted to share it, as i think Rorys message is far more powerful then any blog i can write along side it. This clip was made 2 weeks......
No matter how hard the wind blows
published . 1 min read
Life is iffy sometimes. One minute the ground beneath your feet seems stable and secure, and the next minute the concrete shifts to sand and everything is uncertain again. The storms come, and the storms go. The sun shines, and the clouds move in. The good is good, and the bad is bad.And the only thing you can count on is that there will be a little bit of both in this life. I am in a stormy season right now. I know the enemy is working overtime to throw me overboard, and I ve got to admit- he almost succeeded. He had me right where he wanted me: trapped between the planks of insecurity. The waves threatening to throw me over seem almost miniscule in comparison to the constant thundering in my head. Lightning strikes so many lies masked in the glory of the light. Want to know what I ve......
Dancing in the rain
published . 2 min read
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain. Author Unknown We have had a lot of rain over the last few weeks. There has been more rain than sunshine, and I find myself dreaming of blue skies again. Rain means that jodie can't go play outside as often as she wants to. Rain means extra washing for mum or myself, when she does. Rain means that I can't hang my clothes outside and must use the dryer. Rain means a change in plans. I have had a lot of 'rainy' days in my health. I wont go into too much detail on this blog but there are days when I feel great and function normally. These are my 'sunshine' days. And then there are days when my energy levels are very low, my brain is in a constant state of 'fog' and my whole body feels like......
Lest we forget
published . 2 min read
Today in church i heard a young girl describe her father as a hero. I remember thinking, Wow! How great is that to be a hero in the eyes of your own child? It also got me thinking. What is a hero? What makes a person into a hero? When i was younger, my heroes came from comic books. They wore capes. They also wore their underwear outside their tights. They lept tall buildings in a single bound and repeatedly saved the planet from domination and destruction. As ive gotten older, ive recognised others, not so super heroes, but heroes just the same. ‚· The fire fighters who rush into burning buildings while others are rushing out. ‚· The person who stands up for the weak and marginalised ;who stand against slavery, and racism, and exploitation, and the abuse of children. ‚·......
Hope to the hopeless.
published . 3 min read
Earlier this year, I found myself in hospital. I never planned on being admitted to a psychiatric ward and I never imagined that I would sit facing those white halls and come out with a blog to write. Funny how life works- isn't it? Depression and other mental health issues will do that to you though. They lead you down paths you're never meant to take, and steer you through doors you're never meant to walk through. The lines that I had firmly vowed to never cross became blurry, and the once forbidden path looked like just another road. And because it is just another road, I began the journey down it only to end up at a destination far from the one I intended. Like I said, I never planned on going into psych ward; nevertheless, there is a part of me that is thankful I did.......
Being sick and humble
published . 2 min read
I used to look at mum and i used to think come hell or high water, im never going to be like her. As a younger woman Mum would take quite a few different medications of a morning and it used to bug me that she had to take them. I didnt point the finger at her and blame her for it, but i used to wish oh so bad that she would not be so relient on them to get her through the day. Now here i stand at 20 years of age, following in my mothers foot steps.The reality for me is unless they find a cure for my on going health issues or the good Lord heals me, i will have to take medication for the rest of my life. My health issues are not life threatning, however they are something that are long term and will impede more and more on my life as i get older. My health issues are not physical ailments......
If you really knew me.
published . 2 min read
its hard sometimes. Sometimes i just want people to see me for who i am... see who i am behind the front i put up. The Shani, when she is with friends portrays an image that she is the happiest person around. She is carefree and positive and the clown of the group. She has a huge heart, always ready to catch a friend when they fall. She has no issues and a great family who all get along so well..Then there is the Shani who when she is alone, is the complete opposite. The Shani when she is alone, struggles with depression, low self esteem, irrational thoughts, health problems. She feels like for every step forward, she takes 2 steps back. She struggles with self worth and her identity and she feels like even in a crowded place, she is alone. Her sense of humour which draws people to her is......
Its only in the black of night that you can see the stars
published . 2 min read
i was playing around in the shed today and i found a box with my name on it. I pulled the box down and opened it to find an old diary of mine from 2004. As i sat there and began to read it, i began to cry. Some tears were tears from sadness, some because im so glad im not there anymore and others were because i wish i knew then what i know now. One of my diary entries read : 2nd July 2004 "If they really knew what was going on, they would know I cant do this anymore. I want and need a way out. My family and friends dont love me, afterall how can they love me if i dont love myself. If there was a God, why has He not taken me out of here. actually.. come to think of it.. God wouldnt take me, He wouldnt want me. Im tired of hurting, im tired of pain, Im tired of feeling like im not good......
I just dont get it
published . 2 min read
i sat beside mum tonight, as she lay in the hospital bed. She can barely move, open her eyes or talk, however she found it somewhere in her to reach over and hold my hand. between the tears we both shared, she reminded me that she loved me soo much and was glad that i decided to come home. If you dont know, Australia just suffered a massive flood which ruined thousands of homes and took the lives of quite a few people. My mum, as part of her job, went up to where it all happened to help with community recovery. She held the hands of many australian famillies who had just lost their homes, their money, their pets, and for some, their family. she laughed with them, cried with them, listened to them and came alongside them to help in any way she possibly could. Unfortunately, whilst up......
Prepared for the battlefield
published . 3 min read
Do you ever feel like youre walking across a battlefield? That for whatever reason, all of a sudden, a bunch of arrows start shooting your way? I have. Im not sure why but it seems as if trouble never comes single handedly. Its always ready to come at you from every direction. Its like those arrows have just been waiting until they were all in sync so they could shoot off at the same time! Have you heard the expression 'Satan loves to get you while youre down?' This is the only reasoning I have for why it seems that multiple arrows are aimed at us all at once instead of one here, and one there, in small doses and spread out sessions which we can handle. No, Satan loves to hit us all at once so were vulnerable, stressed, and overwhelmed. So were weaker and less immune to his......
Never far away
published . 2 min read
I still remember the first time I met Rory, ,it was grade 8 and my first day in High school. I sheepishly entered my Math Class not really wanting to be there.. I didnt know many people and there were no seats available except for the one next to Rory. I quietly sat down and put my stuff aside when Rory leaned across and introduced himself. I wasnt very good at meeting new people. I was abit shy but Rory was friendly, confident and not much seemed to phase him at the time. for that whole year, i would always sit next to Rory. Besides the fact that Rory knew the answers to all math problems, big and small, he always gave great advice to lifes problems. Rorys laughter and smile were contaigous, no matter how crap a day i could have been having, a smile from Rory always seemed to make it......
Cant think of a title for this one
published . 1 min read
As the tears began to stream down my cheeks, I was grateful the dr couldnt see my face. The comment made by a nurse was simply an off-handed remark. The words themselves were harmless and i know she didnt mean it, but they gained power and cut deep because they echoed the feelings that were surfacing in my heart." Gods must really be gunning for you". The past few months Ive been battling a few illness's which i will continue battling til God heals me, whenever that may be. if ever that may be. i cant count the amount of times my spirit has screamed out to God‚‚¬‚ WHY? Why am I in such pain? why cant i be normal? both of which questions, i dont know the answer to. At the moment, I am unable to control my circumstances. And as I reach the end of my own strength, my......
Simple act of love
published . 1 min read
i was sound asleep, curled up in my bed when i was awoken by my dear friend. she had come to deliver a book she wanted me to read " the father heart of God". she placed the book on my bedside table, pulled my doona back up as it had fallen to the ground, she kissed my forehead and turned my light off and left. Saturday night, i slept like a baby. i cant remember anyone ever coming into my room and doing what my 60 year old friend did for me. my friend probably never thought anything different of it. afterall, she is a mum, a grandma and an aunty. This small act of love, has impacted me and taken my heart to a place its not been in a long time. im gonna share abit more about my life, that ive kept a secret for many years, out of shame, hurt and guilt. growing up, i was abused......
Baggage
published . 1 min read
It was March 1 and I stood in baggage claim at the airport. i had just thrown my whole life into a bag and had set off on a new adventure. I was standing there patiently watching suitcase after suitcase rise from the belly of the building and slip onto the conveyer belt.i watched everyone elses come around, some three or four times.. But not mine, not even once. I watched as people grabbed their bags. Some smiled. Others frowned as they picked up the weight. More simply dashed for the door, on to the next thing. And I remained. I thought to myself, "But I NEED that bag. It belongs to me. I won't be myself without it. I planned. I packed. I checked off lists. It has to come." Sometimes it feels as if our hearts are standing around waiting at the baggage claim too. Waiting for......
Thoughts from the day.
published . 2 min read
Currently i work in the CBD and due to a lack of car parking spaces, its sometimes easier for me to just catch a bus into work. Today, on my way home, I was sitting next to a woman and it got me thinking... You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear. I heard someone say... "Don't judge me till you have walked a day in my shoes" and I by no way mean to judge or stereotype anyone simply by the shoes they wear, however the shoes this chick was wearing got me thinking... You see I can imagine the day she first got this pair of shoes, brand new, squeaky clean, sparkling white sneakers. I bet she could smell that new shoe smell ahhh there is nothing better than a pair of new shoes. I'm sure she wore them with pride, laced them up and off she went to conquer the......
He completes me.
published . 2 min read
I really wrestled with whether or not to post this, simply because it is kinda personal but After sleeping on it and getting it proof-read, I finally decided that it would be worth it to post it, because of this ‚‚¬‚ in the past few days, I have noticed a trend among my friends in our conversations -As women, we have a few similar desires. We want to be loved. We long to feel beautiful. We ache to know that we are worth it. But everything in this world is fighting against us, trying to distract us from what will ultimately fulfill those desires. It's good to be reminded of the truth. So, here it goes. Sometimes, life is really hard. Being 19 and still single its easy to feel lonely. I kinda long for love. I battle with myself as I fight the temptation to attract inappropriate......
Lessons learned from mums. happy mothers day!
published . 2 min read
The Images of Mum 4 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ My mummy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ My mum knows everything! 12 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ My mother doesn't know anything. 16 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ That old woman? She's clueless! 25 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ Wonder what Mum would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE ‚‚¬‚ Wish I could talk it over with Mum. Now here are the things mums taught me and im sure you guys have all heard them before and......
A young woman, to an older woman.
published . 1 min read
"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet , chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5 Dear my sisters who have gone before me, I desperately need you to show me wisdom.I need you to show me what true beauty is, a fierce kind of beauty.I need you to show me that high heels aren't always worth it.I need you to be an example of virtue.And to tell me that life isn't always what it seems; that the past doesn't dictate my future. I need you to distinguish not just what is right - But also......
In you i find my peace.
published . 1 min read
So I'm just gonna say it-I love to cry..there... I admit it! Sometimes nothing feels better than an outpouring of emotion that has been waiting to come out for days, weeks, maybe even months! Trust me, this doesn't happen often. Im not a walking blubbering mess,but when I do feel that rush of emotion spiraling through my chest it is absolutely vital to my soul that this rush pour out of my face. I believe the most rewarding part of this emotional force is that in the moment I feel absolutely vulnerable to the Love of my savior. All too often I take his Love for granted, but the more I recognise my doubt and fear the more I feel his embrace. The past few weeks, I've found myself looking for answers, wondering if I could ever be confident in knowing who I am in Christ; Wishing I......
Depression. i did not ask for it but here i am.
published . 1 min read
You cry... you feel sad... you get "help"... but its still there... only now you hide it... you want everyone to believe it is ok... but its not, i'm not ok- its a rollercoaster of emotions, you slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again... then it starts all over. You feel trapped. consumed and like youve done something wrong. it beats the life out of you. Depression. I never asked for it but here i am. There are days when the yellow ray of sunshine and the bright blue sky, shine a bleak shade of Grey. i awake screaming into the darkness i search for a light but i cant find the switch.I stand up and immediately i feel as though i am drowning in the inky black darkness that holds me firm. The past few days, thats all ive felt. You hold onto the hope......
Sick of home to being homesick.
published . 1 min read
As some of you guys know, I moved out of home on Monday ( March 1). I moved to a little island right at the bottom of Australia, called Tasmania AKA Tassie. I moved right out of home leaving behind all my family and pets and the few friends i had to come live here. Now, i do have most of mates here, but i dont have any of the family. I do love travelling. I've been to some pretty amazing places here in Oz and i also love being independent. So i figured moving out would kinda be easy-ish. its funny, it was only a few months ago that i was chomping at the bit to move out. I hated being around my parents, i didnt wanna live by their rules at all. I wanted out. I guess i was wrong. I miss home lots. I miss my little sister SOOOOO much. I miss my puppy dog. I miss my room, my bed, my tv,......
You learn new something new every day
published . 3 min read
Today I met up with a few mates in the city for lunch. I decided that it was easier to just catch a bus because I know that its like impossible to find a carpark right in the city centre. The bus stop is right at my door and it would take me to where I was meeting my mates. Now, its not often I do bus it because I like to have my music blaring and I like singing at the top of my lungs in the car. Its fun : ). Anyways, I jump on the bus and find a seat and proceed to go through my handbag to find my iPod. I found it and went to turn it on, to discover that the battery was dead. sigh. I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs watching the world go by to the sounds of people in the bus talking, when something caught my attention. Two high school girls that were sitting behind me having a......
Reflections of a hectic week.
published . 3 min read
What a week its been! From hanging with my dad for a few days, to having my niece put in hospital, to looking after a sister and making sure she is fed, cleaned and entertained, to making sure i get stuff sorted for my move, to farewells with the womens group at church, to my last Sunday service at church. Ive barely had time to scratch myself. I could just go and sleep the next few days away. Yes, that'd be nice. I just think I need to write about it or else my head will explode from all the emotions.. if that's possible . Ya know, even if I take away the first half of the week and focus on the saying goodbye part. That would have been enough drama to last me a while. I know I told someone in here that I didn't think I would be sad to leave. I was wrong lol. Saturday night at......
I feel like the blog title is the hardest part.
published . 2 min read
A few months back now, I attended a youth conference in which I was fortunate enough to hear from many amazing speakers. Although I heard many great things one thing someone said to me has been playing around in my mind the past few weeks as I get ready for my new adventure in life. He said something simple, yet so profound and that was 'God is rarely early, but HE'S NEVER LATE!'. I jumped on my facebook this morning and funnily enough, that was his new status. I guess God can work, even on facebook I thanked him for the remarkable and simple reminder. Ya know the seasons in my life when I have been waiting on the Lord to move and to work have been some of my darkest seasons- and, in hindsight, possibly my brightest. There's no doubt about it - waiting can be OH SO......
All good things must come to and end.. or should they?!
published . 3 min read
I just spoke to a friend who's birthday is today. She and I are very close, and we were remembering different things we used to get up to and we were taken back to the time we went to a day spa to swim, get a massage and relax. How wonderful it was! Have you ever been to the spa? Ive only ever been once SO FAR but when I get back to tassie, I plan on going with the girls lots of time. When I think back to my spa experience, I'm brought back to a place of peace. A place of tranquility and rest. I walked in and immediately felt safe. I got changed and put on those soft white fluffy warm robes with the soft slippers. They handed me an ice-cold sparkling water with a piece of lemon in it and a straw and umbrella to top it off and. I remember thinking, 'does this ever have to......
Who is this cool person?! lol
published . 2 min read
OK, before I get started. Here is something I made for Ben, AKA Galahad and Eileen AKA ladyvogue. Sorry, Im not singing team. Now, to hear you Eileen lol. Feel free for anyone to watch it.. but its not much. Just to put it out there, it has Nothing to do with my blog what so ever. So,what is Faith? Imagine a bridge. A bridge sooooo long you cant see the other side. You know the other side exists though. You've heard about it but you can't see it. What would make you cross this bridge? Insecurity? Hope? Achievement? Would you do it because you are hungry for something new? Searching for a positive change in your life? To feel like your worth something? Just because we havent seen the other side, it doesnt mean it does not exist. Faith is believing but its also knowing. I havent......
Happy australia day.
published . 3 min read
The typical aussie. ( ofcourse this doesn't apply to everyone out there) 1) You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch. 2) It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian- Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe 3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel. 4) You've seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein,......
Your life is an ocassion. rise to it.
published . 3 min read
Do you remember being scared of the dark as a kid? Isn't it funny how an ordinary room can dramatically change as soon as the lights go out? The coat on the door becomes a blood sucking ghost.The creaks of the bed are the voices of the monsters who are going to slurp your soul out of your body through your ears. The little chair in the corner quickly becomes a troll, with one eye bigger than the other, who is going to pluck every single hair out of your body one at a time, You become afraid to put Your hand down the side of your bed in fear of that thing that lurks underneath you're your mattress..ok I think you get the point. When darkness happens things come to life! My imagination would begin to run wild and fear would take control. There's something about the darkness that......
One year today since i left my comfort zone. what a ride its been.
published . 3 min read
Well. Today, last year, I was waving goodbye to my best mate as my ship sailed away from the shores of Tasmania. What a year it's been. To be on the short and narrow, Yep I can't wait for twenty10 to clock over. This year has been heaps sucky but yet... I still walk away with a sense of accomplishment. A sense that with all the junk that's gone on, ive come out on top of it all. A sense that I wouldn't have missed this year for anything. Whilst yes it's had its ups and downs, 2009 has been the year that healing has begun. It's been the year that my relationship with my Savior has become more personal, it's been the year for trials, tribulations and triumphs, for victories and I believe a year of breakthrough in many parts of my life. Back to the story though.......
Santas australian run.
published . 4 min read
So for all you folk around the globe who are shivering away in snow and yuk weather, I feel now is the time to share with you what is gonna be happening this time of the year in the land downunder. For the majority of Australians, Christmas Downunder has all the glitter, tinsel and razzmatazz of a Christmas in New York and london. The major difference is one of WEATHER... Christmas Down Under is never White. Snow has rarely fallen if ever on this date, Down Under. We have during past Christmases experienced all the seasonal variations of a Summer Down Under... .electrical storms, floods, hailstorms, cyclones and most commonly Bush fires. But 80% of the time we are blessed with blue skies and depending on our location, temperatures ranging from 25-38 degrees centigrade(80s to high 90s for......
A night at work, angry people, a sore leg, and an awesome god.
published . 3 min read
lol. i actually said i was gonna go to bed 30 mins ago but shhh. I wont tell mum, if u dont. Goodness me, what a day its been :).. After nearly dying from the heat, we finally got a good down pour of rain! That was quite exiciting but not really relevant i guess. For the few people who know me, well they would know that i went and visited my old town where i used to live a few weeks back and whilst they know all the cool stuff that happened.. a few of them also know that i had the unfortunate joy of falling through a deck/verandah thing. You know them wooden deck things that go around the house.. well one of them things! Feel free to laugh coz it was kinda funny and random. Anyway, i did a fair good job at ripping my leg open and it simply will not heal. Its been a few weeks and i still......
Rescue is possible.
published . 4 min read
Today, Friday the 13th is To Write Love On Her Arms Day. For the people who don't know who TWLOHA are. They are a group that help people who suffer with depression, self harm etc. They are a group from the US who travel the place going to gigs and chilling with awesome muso's. Anyway, the invite was put out on another social networking site to gather as many aussies to all write LOVE on their arms for the day. Having walked this path in my life, today I have written Love on my arms. Heres abit of my story... A few years back, I was sitting in a class with my friends, watching time tick by too slowly as it always did. The teacher was shouting at the class, insulting our intellect and dismissing us as unruly kids with no future. A few days previously a friend of mine had given me a......
Let it shine.
published . 3 min read
I opened the blinds to be blinded by the sun smashing my window this morning.. Summer is in the air my friends. Well at least… it was this morning. This afternoon as I walked in the door, a large gust of wind closed the door behind me. Hmmmm there is something about Sundays I just simply love but that’s a new post for a rainy day. After getting home from church today.. I was quickly dumped with my little sister whilst the parentals went off for a motorbike ride. The plan was that Jodie and I would take the dog for a walk and come back and watch a movie. This plan fell flat on its face though, upon looking out the windows to discover big thick storm clouds rolling down the hill. Jodie started complaining when I suggested that maybe it was best to stay indoors and maybe if the......
God can fill that hole in our life.
published . 3 min read
So, I’ve not always lived a ‘godly’ life.. Infact come to think of it, if someone mentioned "God" a few years back, I was off running for the hills. As a younger teenager I placed all my trust and hope in material things, things that gave me short thrills. I didn’t think much about the consequences, nor the risks that I would put myself and other into. I was doing life for me and no body else. I was full of hurts and thought the world owed me everything. I got caught up in the wrong crowd of people and was shown a world that I probably should never have even known about at such an age. I remember when I was 15 there was this really cool group at school and I wanted to be one of them. These kids were rough and I purposely started going to their drug filled......
Disney princess vs xena warrior princess!
published . 3 min read
So I might be the only woman in the whole world who feels this way, but As soon as the word 'Princess' hits the air, I immediately start thinking of Disney types of princess’s. You know the ones that wake up from a kiss, the ones who are locked away in a tower waiting for 'prince charming', the ones that’s wear huge dresses and have beautiful hair and not one blotch or clogged pore on their skin…However, in theory, this sounds nice. That is not the kind of woman I want to be. I do not want to be a wimpy princess woman. I want to be a princess like Esther, whose bold trust in God and love for her people impelled her to proclaim in the face of enormous risk, "If I perish, I perish"? Or Mary, who submitted with humility to the mysterious and......
Real beauty never looked so ugly.
published . 2 min read
4:30am- She wakes up, look outside, closes the blinds and hopes that somehow work will call and say they don’t need her. (it never happens) 4:35am- After a few minutes of waiting for the call that never came, She finds the smallest bit of energy to get up out of bed, walk 5 metres and get in the shower. 5:00am- Hesitantly She gets out of the shower, gets dried and dressed, Unfogs the mirror in the bathroom, but wishes it would fog itself back up for the sight of her face was too much.She Looks at herself and wonders how a NEW zit could possibly come up that quick and finds a very obvious blemish, that everyone will notice no matter how hard she tries to cover it. After looking at her face for 30 minutes trying to hide all the imperfections with make up, she realises that her face is......
Above my circumstance its you i worship
published . 3 min read
So, it was Sunday morning 6:23am to be exact and im awake laying in bed when next minute I hear a hard knock on my door followed by a grumpy old voice telling me to "shut up or go outside". Yep, it my was my mother! Now, most people know I sleep in til at least 9ish. Church is at 10:27, so I quickly get up, grab a shower, get some breakie and am out the door by 10 at the latest. However, this Sunday morning was different. On the Saturday night, my pastor had called me in a panic and explained that our worship leaders were not able to make it on the Sunday due too illnesses and being out of town. He was looking for someone to step up and fill their spot essentially. Now, one of my biggest pitfalls in life is if someone asks me to do something, I have trouble saying no- even if......
An encounter with depression.
published . 2 min read
Ok, before we get started, this blog may be a little confronting for some people and I fully understand that this blog leaves me vulnerable to lots of things. But I can only pray that any comments left are supportive ones that will encourage people. This is my encounter with depression. Sometimes it just hits me. Sometimes I know it’s headed my way. Then I tell myself, "Oh no, it is coming". It feels like as if there is a big devil coming to hug you, saying, "You cannot hide from me. Come with me, no need to fight. You will just get tired". He comes arms wide open, the same way my father comes to hug his daughters.He plants his fingernails in my back and squeezes me tightly into his chest and sucks all my energy. All dark, all painful. The devil’s chest has......
If this doesnt do something you your heart, i dont know what will.
published . 3 min read
Heya guys, im just doing something for john, anyway he needs a blog but i dont have any blogs prepared.. so i thought maybe i can share this email i got with yas. Its heaps sweet. Enjoy Be someone, not something. Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouths of children. What does 'Love' mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think: -- 'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8......
What a night.
published . 3 min read
Hey there lovelies. So, im halfway through a youth conference, I just got home and right now am on a massive high! I had the honour of talking to the young women tonight and it was amazing… no not amazing.. think Bigger Lol.. I dunno what the word is or could be but anyway. BIG thankyou too everyone who prayed for me! SO, this was my day -. This morning I woke up and was fully freaking out about tonight. I wasn’t sure how it would go, I was nervous to the max, I was thinking someone can do a better job then me. I pretty much didn’t want to do it and I was letting satan steal My worship! Now we all know that we were made too worship, so if that sucker steals it, he also steals our purpose.. but that’s another blog for a rainy day. What I really wanna share is just a......
Everyone does it. why do we deny it.
published . 2 min read
(firstly, Apologies to those who get upset about my comparison) As we all know, most dating relationships and even friendships go through a series of stages of comfortability. With the boys. there’s the stage in which you will let your boyfriend see you wearing a singlst, when you let him see you without make-up and unbrushed hair, when you let him kiss you before you’ve brushed your teeth, etc. Well today, I got a phone call from a very dear, quiet, conservative” girlfriend of mine.(actually come to think of it, her and I are sooo different) Anyhoo, I picked up the phone and without a hello, how are you?”. She blurts out I did it”! Im on the other end, thinking uh- oh girly, what have you done….. Thankfully. I was wrong! Perhaps one of the ultimate......
One princesses journey, to find her sister.
published . 5 min read
Ok, so most of you guys know I have a epically large family, or if u didn’t, now you do. I have Mackenzie-1, Jorja-5, Jodie-9, Shani-18, Zeke-20, Nick-22, Luke-23 and Shakira-27. Now if I read that, id be like whoahh! But I also come from a split family, so only Zeke, Luke and myself have the same parents as each other. My parents divorced when I was knee high too a grass hopper. Now this is where it gets confusing. Before my dad met my mum, he was with another lady and she fell pregnant, anyway for whatever reason they stopped seeing each other totally.( this is where Shakira comes in). Then dad married mum, and Luke, Zeke and I came about. They then divorced, and my dad remarried a lady, and they had 2 kids, Jorja and Mackenzie. Mum remarried a man, who already had a son( Nick)......
From one young person.
published . 2 min read
I have been doing alot of thinking about why young people are drifting away from the church. Now this blog i was a little worried about and i hope i dont step on anyones toes in posting it but i think there are many reasons and each case has different circumstances and factors, however, I believe there are a few main reasons that we should be aware of as Christian brothers and sisters and or people who have an interest in seeing young people staying in church. One of these factors that is a cause for young people leaving the church is Consumerist Spirituality. I have been reading some blogs from a youth commentator who explains Consumerist spirituality extremely well when he says - Today young adults worldview is deeply shaped by consumerism; it shapes how we purchase, how we relate, and......
Is religion dieing out..
published . 2 min read
Ok. so me being me, having a fair bit of time on my hands, spent a little bit of today looking up 'stuff' on the computer and stumbled across this report which i found rather sad and scarey.. maybe you will see why and how... LESS than half Australia's young people believe in a god and many believe there is little truth in religion, a new study has found. The three-year national study, a joint project between Monash University, the Australian Catholic University and the Christian Research Association, found many young people followed a secular path. The study, The Spirit of Generation Y, found just 48 per cent of Generation Y, defined as those born between 1976 and 1990, believed in a god. Dr Andrew Singleton of Monash University, a co-author of the study, said they were......
"click here to insert title"
published . 2 min read
ok. so a few know, a few dont- but my mother and i DONT see eye too eye. we now somewhat agree to disagree. On most issues that is, however she just cant come to terms with me wanting a relationship with our Lord and Saviour. anyhoo, we fight alot and the other night, she went that step further and ruined my bible- Gone! Kaput. Between then and now, things have been fairly intense, there has been alot of crying out to God, in hope that somewhere along the lines, He will just reveal himself too me in my situation, today my friends, He showed me that amongst all my troubles, He is there. So it goes abit like this. I had to go to a doctors appointment today and i was in good hope that not much would change, annoyingly, i was wrong, things had changed but not anything too significant. so. i......
And why would he love this? coz im his.
published . 3 min read
This Blog isnt a blog looking for sympathy, nor is it a pity party. Its just an example of how God loves us, even when we fall short. Its just a blog about me surrendering too Him. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zeph. 3:17 Ok. So the last few months of my life have been the hardest few months ive experienced, even the healing aspect has hurt, My hearts been broken, my life shaken, ive had people go be with God, Ive turned to booze, had countless nights I cant remember and the list goes on... I’ve walked in many different directions, except toward the goal, I’ve ran as fast as I possibly could, to escape the pain of a new day, knowing that the day could possibly bring more pain and tears. Ive......
My friends. my family.
published . 1 min read
This post, is nothing spirro, but simply a post about my friends. Well,Some are short, some are tall, some are thin, some are thick, some have blue eyes while some have brown, freckles? Yep, some have them too. Some have curly hair, some have long straight hair whilst some have short. In fact all of my friends come in a variety of colours, shapes, sizes and temprements.Some are very private yet some are in your face. Some of my friends live in the States, England, Ireland, Kiwiland, Australia and even a few are up in Heaven. BUT...................................................... Even though they are all very different, still they all have something in common. You see, my friends have made an everlasting impression in my life. We have shared our lives and have watched each other develop......
Satan is bigger then me.
published . 2 min read
Satan is bigger than I am and should I choose to fight him, I will lose. Every day the battle within me is whether I should fight him or not. Every day! I get so tired....so, so tired. You don't understand! Maybe you do! But some days I just can't stand it. Satan wants nothing more than to ruin my days. I think actually he laughs at my struggles, in a way he feeds off them!. Sicko!. He also knows what I have done in my life. He knows all of the areas I have fallen short in. all of my mistakes, my failures, my pain and my hurts. He knows I can't escape my past. He knows it and wants it to be strong in my mind EVERY DAY. For if its on my mind, my day is ruined. Satan is bigger than I am But MY God is even bigger. I know this! Satan, you can't have me. Im not your child, nor......
A different type of prayer.
published . 1 min read
Makes one think! I dont know anyone who has not been at fault of any of the below. I know i have! Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother of 3, who worked 10 hours that day and was rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and other household chores and spend a few precious moments with her children, before doing it all again. Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, excentric, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old university student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not being able to make ends meet so he can study next semester. Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day, who we......
The aussie dictionary for alight and co.
published . 1 min read
OK. so here is a short list of aussue slang to help u guys out. :) G'Day : hello! Bloke : man, guy Bushman's hanky : Emitting nasal mucus by placing one index finger on the outside of the nose (thus blocking one nostril) and blowing. Chunder : vomit Fair dinkum : true, genuine Galah : fool, silly person. Named after the bird of the same name because of its antics and the noise it makes. Going off : used of a night spot or party that is a lot of fun - "the place was really going off" Give it a burl : try it, have a go Larrikin : a bloke who is always enjoying himself, harmless prankster Never Never : the Outback, centre of Australia The scrub AKA the boonies: the bush Ocker : an unsophisticated person Rack off : push off! get lost! get out of here! also "rack off......
We walk the walk, but do we live the talk.
published . 2 min read
Ok, so I was at youth group the other day, stuffing around and not exactly listening to a guest preacher, then got an email today asking if I could write a summary of his sermon too put in the newsletter, (Just my luck!). Ok, I was listening but was distracted by my phone and my iPod and what the others youth were doing, and why there was a beach ball wedged in the roof rafters, but I wasn't taking any of it in. So, today I sat here and was like.. eek! what do I actually remember. Amazingly, I actually remembered most of it. So, the story went something like this. A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a sales convention overseas somewhere. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Din dins. In their rush at the airport, with tickets and......
The one flaw.
published . 2 min read
OK. this was just an email i got sent but i love it, I was undecided as to whether to post it in the women only section or General, but figured it was worth a read to everyone. Hope u enjoy it like i did. . THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on minimum food and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was......
Where is he when it hurts?
published . 1 min read
We are living in hard times now a days, the first person people want to blame when something bad happens is God. Why did he let this happened to me, or if there is a God why does He let so many bad things go on, Where is God now? Where is God when it hurts? Where is God? If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God is with you, beside you, above you, and inside you. God's presence and watchful care never leaves you. If you are not a believer in Jesus Christ, God is right in front of you, inviting you, drawing you, offering you the love, mercy, and grace that He longs to give you. Perhaps a better question than "Where is God?" is "Where are you, in relationship to God?" After Jesus was crucified, He was glorified (1 Peter 1:21, Mark 16:6,19; Romans 4:24-25). From this......
Where are u at?
published . 2 min read
heya there ladies. just wanna share something that my mum sent to me today. i think its simply beautiful! there are no other words to describe it! this was sent to me in a powerpoint presentation, but i have managed to find the transcript. enjoy A Piece of Cake? Sometimes we ask ourselves: What did I do to deserve this? Why does God let these things happen to me? Here is the explanation... A daughter tells her mother how everything is going wrong for her; She probably failed her Math exam, ...Her friend just dumped her... for her best friend. In times so sad, a good mother knows just the thing to cheer up her daughter... "I make a delicious cake." In that moment the mother hugged her daughter and walked her to the kitchen, while her daughter attempted to smile. While......
How quick time flies.
published . 2 min read
evening people. oooohh man, what a hectic past few weeks! am so glad its a new year, a new start and a new me! yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery ,today is the present and thats why its called a gift. amen? well im in one of those reflective moods, and have decided to kind of reflect back on the year that was. Boy! life took its turns last year, and in many instances, it turned in the wrong direction.. looking back too january .. things were crazy as! my mum and step dads marriage hit turmoil, which left me with a little sister too look after. neither mum or my step dad wanted to be at home, so i became some what of a mother to my little sister. During this time my best mate was over seas, on a mission trip which was hard and very alone. He cam back late january and by February, he......
From the land down under.
published . 1 min read
G'day My Name is Shani. I'm eighteen, and 8 months ago today, decided to give my life to Christ. Im the only christian in my family which at times can be hard. I play heaps of sport and im constantly moving all over australia due to my parents occupations. Im Just about to graduate from year 12 and am aiming to do a social work degree at university in the near future as i think this is where God is calling me. I have a passion for people and can connect with young people in a pretty cool way. I have lived through and seen alot of things in my short lived life which have helped me to become the person i am. Im pretty understanding and love to have a joke and make people laugh. I go to youth group and the people there are just amazing men and woman of God! i love inspiring people......