Well last nite it was my 3 oldest kids school prize giving evening. A nite that my 17yr old son received his gcse certificates also my 15yr old son & 13yr old daughter also received numerous awards. A nite that I should have been bursting with pride...but instead all I could think of was they don't need me anymore...thinking of how I jus want 2 lie down & never wake up again but at the same time I had made a promise that I would b there for someone on Mon so I won't break that promise. Maybe that's God's way of keeping me safe or maybe not?
Today it's my rainbow baby's birthday. My baby girl is 11yrs old...a day I should b celebrating but I can't. Today I jus want 2 curl up & die.
I hear u all saying u r blessed with 4 children stop whining & get on with it but that is jus so impossible. For a person who was always on the go or doin something to someone who sits about doin nothing & thinking of ways for me 2… … ..I'm sure use can guess what I am saying… I don't want 2 b here being miserable all time… I don't want my kids seeing me like this all the time.
I'm jus thinking of the title of this blog "a flower quickly fading" im jus thinking about me as that flower & just how quick a flower fades when it doesn't b looked after properly… Jus like that flower fading I feel that I'm fading. I'm fading 2 the point where a few times that I think i cannot b brought back to that perfect & beautiful flower again. I'm that flower that has been abused, neglected & threw to the ground & trampled on.
It's like the words in the song "who am I?" I'm a flower quickly fading here today gone tomorrow a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind...this is jus how I'm feeling jus that I'm fading but I Jus have 2 try & believe that he does hear jus like the rest of this chorus says… still you hear me when I'm calling Lord u catch me when I'm falling and uve told me who I am. I am yours! For me jus knowing that I have a heavenly father that loves me is hard for me to get my head round as I've never known love or acceptance or even felt part of a family.
So suppose for anyone else that is reading this remember that you r a son or daughter of the most high king!
I don't just need you on Monday, I need you on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday... I remember your church miming to that song. Were you in that group that time.?
And even though you don't want to hear it you are going to : You are beautiful, you are perfect, you are gentle, kind, loving, compassionate. I am going to keep saying this until that louder voice that denies you everything God has for you is drowned out.
yes, you and I have a massive hill to climb but we WILL climb it. if you don't climb it, I wont and after our earlier conversation you know what I mean. Im sorry if you think I am being hard on you but we need to be hard on each other. When you cant walk I will trail you , I expect you to do the same for me.
Ann-marie, I love you.
keep blogging your emotions though Honey, and I will try to keep my opinions to myself. Cant promise it, but I will try.
Praying God provides you the sense and realization ... just like when young a hurt, even though body and soul yield tears like rain. You are still being held in Arms of Love comforting until the pain eases. Then hearing the whisper of Love's comforting voice above the noise and pain. In Jesus Name. Amen