On a Wednesday morning three years ago was just a typical morning of
getting up and getting the kids up and sorted for school. I remembered thinking that morning of having to go into my son's school for him to pick his GCSE subjects but I never made it that day. That morning while the children were getting ready for school I sat in my bedroom writing letters for my husband and my four children telling them how much I loved them and for my husband to take good care of my babies and that I was sorry that I just couldn't go on anymore.
The next thing I remember was two police men walking towards me and then asking me was I Ann-Marie and me saying yes and them asking me to go with them. Now the funny thing is that I'm absolutely terrified of water but I'd managed to get on a boat to Scotland. Why Scotland I do not know. What was I thinking? well I do not know. I remember them taking me to the hospital and by this stage I was hysterical and could not stop crying. I think that day was the start of me fighting a battle of staying alive. It took me a good week before I could return home and it really was a struggle. It was at that time God was saying "I will never leave you nor forsake you" & he never has. I know at times there was days I was thinking how could I die and nearly planning out what I would do.
This week has been particularly hard as I know the enemy is out to steal and destroy me. I have fallen so many times over the past months as I'm dealing with situations in my life both past and present. Today I'm absolutely petrified of a phone call that I have to make tomorrow to hopefully help me get to a place where I'm no longer living in fear or shame. Start to see me as God sees me. Think Friday nite was the nite that I hit rock bottom were I jus couldn't keep going and just knew I needed help.
So yesterday I was adamant that I wasn't going to church and that my husband would go as my daughter's had to go but God had other plans so I ended up going. Well the first song that was sung was about casting our burdens upon the Lord because he cares he cares for us. Second song was about how faithful our God is. Then the pastor spoke on grace, faith and mercy so I believe God meant for me to be in church this morning. So really today I've been reminded yes I'm in the middle of a battle but I'm still standing and no matter what my God is still with me as I continue fighting this battle. But it also says that the battles not ours but Gods#39;
2 chronicles 20:15
Do not be afraid. Do not be dismayed. The battles not yours. It's the lords.
So yesterday I was adamant that I wasn't going to church and that my husband would go as my daughter's had to go but God had other plans
See I remember sitting over coffee with someone last week who told me that when I didnt want to go to church that that was the time I needed to get my ... there!
As you were there for my phone call so I will be there for yours.
That gives what I don't deserve
Pays me what Christ has earned
And lets me go free
That gives me the time to change
Washes away the stain
That once covered me
And all that I have
I lay at the feet
Of the Wonderful Saviour who loves me
I have these words taped to my computer monitor: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV) Remember that. God it not only beside you, He goes before you. I am praying!