I am not quite sure how yesterday turned into an ashes day, it just sorta crept up on me . I went from perfume and dress clothes to cinders, ashes and sack cloth in the space of half an hour. i went from sweetness and light to tears and tantrums at the flick of a switch. I was a snivelling shaking mess and it was not pretty.
I decided to tear up my garment of worship and put on a torn coat. I ignored the sheen of my hair and tipped ashes all over myself.
Not just any old ash mind you, ashes with cinders in them, ashes with bits of nails in them. Wet nasty ash that had been lying in a bucket .
Then I went and filled the bucket for later on in the day in case I needed more. Because I was determined I would need more.
Please dont get me wrong its not that I enjoy dwelling in ashes, its that, well, sometimes I feel comfort in feeling really sorry for me. My problem is that I annoy the people around me when im in the process fo rubbing ash into my forehead and eyebrows. I am useless; on go the ashes. I am worthless; rub them in a little more. I hurt so badly today; pile them high and pile them deep.
Don't get me wrong, I am in no way diminishing or making light of the hurt and pain I feel right now. I am not saying that I dont have a right to sit and wallow and tear my sleeves as Tamar did. I am certainly not saying that I have no right to feel sad and desolate at times. What I am saying is that in those times of ashes, those times when I want to hide my head in shame. Those times when I annoy and peeve off everyone around me, those times I know are in His hands.
Thats it! he holds those times in his hands, and I am grateful and thankful.