Over the course of the past two days, the enemy has relentlessly attacked me over and over again; first emotionally, then physically and finally spiritually. I feel as a rag doll must feel, especially after being used as a pull toy by a pack of wild dogs.
On Sunday I wrote my 2000th blog here at Christian Blog. To me it was sort of a big deal in that it represented a huge step in faithfulness to God's calling and perseverance in the face of physical and other problems I had over the years. For some reason I got it in my head that it was a really big deal to hit 2000 blogs, but obviously for most people it was not anything that special. All right, I admit it, I allowed myself to get hurt by the lack of some people commenting on that blog at the expense of rejoicing in some truly phenomenal and heartwarming comments by those who did respond. This was a HUGE mistake on my part and one that opened the door to what came next.
Over my many years of trying to walk with God and serve His people, the biggest thing the enemy has used to derail me and get me off course is emotional hurt. When I get hurt, I retreat into a little cave in my mind reserved for licking wounds etc. Once I am in that cave, I am pretty much useless to others since I am absorbed in my own little world.
Because I did not deal with the situation but rather got tired of it, there was a weak point for the enemy to exploit and use to his advantage. He did this by making sure we stayed up until 12:30 Sunday night packaging things and then having to get up at 4:00 am to get Beth to work. Because my defenses were already down, adding the physical lack of sleep into the mix set off a chain reaction of inflammation in my body. This is nothing new for I fight this battle at least once per week it seems. It was amplified because I had unresolved hurt in my mind.
Upon getting home yesterday afternoon, I decided to try a new pill the doctor had given me last Friday that had all sorts of warnings about drowsiness etc. Initially I didn't think the pill was going to bother me, but when I was still in a fog 12 hours later, I knew I had taken a pill I must put in the category of worst case scenario pills (which I have a few others). These pills are only taken if the world is coming to an end, either literally or in my body.
Anyway, in the process of all this, it came to light that I had made a huge mistake with a customer in our business. I had made one mistake and then in trying to fix that mistake, made an even worse mistake. Because of the underlying unresolved hurt coupled with the devious effects of the pill I had taken, I quickly descended into a personal hell that mimics depression. In this hell, horrible thoughts attack relentlessly and feelings of self inadequacy and worthlessness languished over me as a swarm of vicious mosquitoes intent on sucking all the blood out of my body.
Thankfully, as the effects of the drug waned, I was able to grab hold of my thoughts and lead them captive to Christ. Once I presented the offending thoughts to Him, He quickly led them off to captivity and granted me the relief that comes when being freed from a hoard of militants intent on my affliction and destruction. It is truly scary to me to see how one stupid pill threw me over the edge of a cliff into the abyss of personal darkness and intense personal struggles.
I am all better now. The drug is all out of my system, the situation that I messed up seems to have caused no problems and the momentary hurt regarding that blog on Sunday has passed and been replaced with a deep appreciation for the unbelievably loving and heartwarming comments posted by so many people.
I have opened my heart and shared this blog for the sole purpose of helping anyone who is going through a tough stretch themselves. Many times all we can do is just hang in there until things get better and once they do, we can get up and sprint to the light at the end of the tunnel. ALL OF US go through bouts of negativity, self inspection/depreciation and even descend for awhile into the mental fog that goes with it all (drug induced or not). Thank God that His promises are true and if we will fight through the fog, He will be there to lead or even carry us back home.
Indeed we do. A favorite scripture of mine is Psalm 18:28 which says:
[quote]You O Lord keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.[/quote]
I try to remember that no matter how dark it is (or seems for like you said, the enemy is always ready to make things seem far worse than what they really are), God can transform that darkness into light. Furthermore He can take what He has taught us through our struggles and help others.
I am very glad you are feeling so much better now.
Ironic how closely what happened to you mirrors what I went through no more than a couple of days ago. Mine began after I wrote a blog about divorce and the withdrawal from a new drug the doctor has prescribed for me for pain. It was a really terrible three days. Thank you for sharing. I apologize that I did not note your accomplishment in writing 2,000 blogs it is indeed a good thing to have persevered to that level in obedience and faithfulness. I admired your perseverance and faithfulness I should have told you so. God Bless, Phil.
Your 2000th blog is a big deal. It is a bar that few of us will reach. I may not always comment but I so thankful for each and every word you write. I am also thankful that you laid bare your struggles for it encourages me to know that we all face the same issues. In your wisdom though you took it to Christ so as to allow him to take your thoughts captive. Some of us will allow those thoughts to fester. Festering is not good.
Lastly I apologise that I did not take a moment on your milestone blog to say thank you. I have said before that I believe you are one in a million. I say it again, I ought to have said it on blog 2000.
I have just come to read this ... after posting my very late comment on your 2000th blog. I find the new notifications a bit confusing and it's kind of hard to keep up with them.
So am very, very, very sorry that my comment was late, also very sorry to hear that you haven't been doing well.
Glad you are doing better now though and will keep you in my prayers.
God bless to both of you,
[quote] All right, I admit it, I allowed myself to get hurt by the lack of some people commenting on that blog at the expense of rejoicing[/quote]
Thanks for allowing us into your world. I am impressed and delighted that you have done so for it would have been easy to say nothing, but in doing so we have been able to discover and learn how the enemy works.
All it takes its a 'cleft' in our armour, as in your case negative thoughts and the lion that roars outside of us in in, quick as a flash and his destruction begins with doubts and self pity. But what is more amazing is that despite this God remains faithful for he does not leave us alone but walks with us and sees us through; for as the scripture says we may go through the fire but will not be burnt, or the river and we will not drown.
Thank you Kirk for sharing this.
I am fully aware of those kind of drugs and what they do to you.
It is disappointing about the comments. 6 or 8 on a blog now is excellent though. I remember some blogs i wrote i thought surely this one will get a lot of comments, and would hardly get any:).
My numbers are pretty high in comments. I have made around 3 thousand of them. A lot folks probably wish i hadn't:).
Anyhow, i hope i didn't write anything depressing in the one i made. And two thousand blogs is a milestone few are gonna make. You did. And that is being faithful. Hope you get to feeling better. God bless you brother.
I stand in awe of your achievements and your openness.
I remember reading your 2000 blog and l went through some of your amazing blogs. It a big achievement to hit 2000. I am so inspired by you and l actually want to write more and more once l pay for my account. I am still on trial version... l am loving this site. It has amazing saints with revelation from God. The bible says we do not fight against flesh and blood but against principalities... The weapons of our warfare are not carnal but are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. We are more than conquerors. Thank you so much for the amazing blogs and the advise you give us. God bless
Oh, my Honey. This was written less than 2 weeks before Kirk had to be put on a ventilator and was in a coma for 24 days, in hospitals for 52 days. A time i shall never forget. God rallied his angel army around us both and brought him back from the brink of death 4 times... for which I am eternally thankful...
Then the questions begin...