My two day journey into the dark night of the soul

Over the course of the past two days, the enemy has relentlessly attacked me over and over again; first emotionally, then physically and finally spiritually. I feel as a rag doll must feel, especially after being used as a pull toy by a pack of wild dogs.

On Sunday I wrote my 2000th blog here at Christian Blog. To me it was sort of a big deal in that it represented a huge step in faithfulness to God's calling and perseverance in the face of physical and other problems I had over the years. For some reason I got it in my head that it was a really big deal to hit 2000 blogs, but obviously for most people it was not anything that special. All right, I admit it, I allowed myself to get hurt by the lack of some people commenting on that blog at the expense of rejoicing in some truly phenomenal and heartwarming comments by those who did respond. This was a HUGE mistake on my part and one that opened the door to what came next.

Over my many years of trying to walk with God and serve His people, the biggest thing the enemy has used to derail me and get me off course is emotional hurt. When I get hurt, I retreat into a little cave in my mind reserved for licking wounds etc. Once I am in that cave, I am pretty much useless to others since I am absorbed in my own little world.

Because I did not deal with the situation but rather got tired of it, there was a weak point for the enemy to exploit and use to his advantage. He did this by making sure we stayed up until 12:30 Sunday night packaging things and then having to get up at 4:00 am to get Beth to work. Because my defenses were already down, adding the physical lack of sleep into the mix set off a chain reaction of inflammation in my body. This is nothing new for I fight this battle at least once per week it seems. It was amplified because I had unresolved hurt in my mind.

Upon getting home yesterday afternoon, I decided to try a new pill the doctor had given me last Friday that had all sorts of warnings about drowsiness etc. Initially I didn't think the pill was going to bother me, but when I was still in a fog 12 hours later, I knew I had taken a pill I must put in the category of worst case scenario pills (which I have a few others). These pills are only taken if the world is coming to an end, either literally or in my body.

Anyway, in the process of all this, it came to light that I had made a huge mistake with a customer in our business. I had made one mistake and then in trying to fix that mistake, made an even worse mistake. Because of the underlying unresolved hurt coupled with the devious effects of the pill I had taken, I quickly descended into a personal hell that mimics depression. In this hell, horrible thoughts attack relentlessly and feelings of self inadequacy and worthlessness languished over me as a swarm of vicious mosquitoes intent on sucking all the blood out of my body.

Thankfully, as the effects of the drug waned, I was able to grab hold of my thoughts and lead them captive to Christ. Once I presented the offending thoughts to Him, He quickly led them off to captivity and granted me the relief that comes when being freed from a hoard of militants intent on my affliction and destruction. It is truly scary to me to see how one stupid pill threw me over the edge of a cliff into the abyss of personal darkness and intense personal struggles.

I am all better now. The drug is all out of my system, the situation that I messed up seems to have caused no problems and the momentary hurt regarding that blog on Sunday has passed and been replaced with a deep appreciation for the unbelievably loving and heartwarming comments posted by so many people.

I have opened my heart and shared this blog for the sole purpose of helping anyone who is going through a tough stretch themselves. Many times all we can do is just hang in there until things get better and once they do, we can get up and sprint to the light at the end of the tunnel. ALL OF US go through bouts of negativity, self inspection/depreciation and even descend for awhile into the mental fog that goes with it all (drug induced or not). Thank God that His promises are true and if we will fight through the fog, He will be there to lead or even carry us back home.