Earlier this week this obscure headline appeared for a short time on this site. Now finally there is vital new information to add to our elation at this amazing discovery.
UNITED STATES TREASURY SUCCEEDS IN GROWING THE WORLD'S FIRST MONEY TREE
The United States Treasury Department has finally succeeded in growing their first money tree. Deep in a top secret room of the Department's headquarters, top economists working with scientists have grown the tree which will be the panacea to all that ails this country and world. Word out of Sweden is that those involved with the research will surely win the Nobel Prize next year.
For many years, governments have been searching for the secret to growing the elusive money tree which would solve their problems. Various attempts were made in the past to grow such a tree, but they were met with frustration as they failed to ever produce one dollar. Scientists and economists in Washington looked with envy on many other countries in the world and their successful money tree ventures. Word has it that many of the top people working on this project took a trip to Zimbabwe last winter to learn the secret of the perpetual money tree that country developed.
The Need for the Tree
There is no questioning why there needs to be a money tree in Washington. There is simply no other way for the government to keep paying billions and billions of dollars for everything under the sun. In order to keep everyone happy and prosperous, the need for developing the money tree was crucial. Due to the sub-prime crisis, the wars oversees and the financial sector's demise; an ultimatum was given to the researchers to get the tree grown "or else".
Last week, the first few branches emerged on the money tree when the government agreed to "officially" take over Fannie May and Freddie Mac. Amazingly, at the same time the announcement was made regarding this takeover; scientists poured some magic liquid on the soil and out popped the money tree, complete with branches full of money! The elation in the room was intense and the smiles on the faces of those present lit up the room.
This week, in an unexpected development; the government announced it was going to pay 85 billion dollars to rescue AIG from collapse. In return, the government will take over 80% of the company. Amazingly, at the very moment this was announced, the money tree grew ten feet and sprouted numerous new branches loaded with money. Due to their success, the people involved are now going for the big time. They are going to bail out all the banks and financial institutions, even if it takes the tree growing 700 feet tall.
What this means
Now that the money tree is growing, there should be no problem with the government bailing out and taking over any and all floundering businesses. This is great news for all the companies teetering on bankruptcy. Rumor has it that General Motors, Ford and Chrysler are scheduled to meet with the Treasury Department soon to see how much the money tree has for each of them. Many of the airline carriers are rumored to making reservations to see the money tree next.
Unfortunately, there seems to be no money on the money tree for the citizens of the country. In fact, rumor has it that the Treasury Department is going to ask all Americans to send in their money to fertilize and make the money tree stronger. After all, it is the patriotic duty of Americans to pay more and more taxes, or so it has been said.
There are some who oppose the money tree, but they are dismissed as "uninformed", "out of touch" or just plain crazy. The vast majority of people are overjoyed to see their government have unlimited access to the money tree. It appears everyone is happy with the new money tree for it allows the Treasury Department to help all the poor and suffering financial institutions who have run out of money to lend to people who never pay it back. "We can't allow that" the Treasury people have said.
Isn't comforting to know those entrusted with the money tree care so much about our banks and bankers? Doesn't it bring a tingling to your legs to think that we live in a country that thinks so much of its bankers that it will gladly give all the money on the tree to them? With all this good news about the money tree, it makes me want to jump up and down and shout USSA, USSA, USSA. Long live the United Socialistic States of America.
Bravo papillion, you've got the spirit. It is our patriotic duty to pay more taxes so as to keep those poor bankers from having to live on 100 million instead of 150 million. Way to go comrade. I am sure the government will send you a nice thank you note for your kind donation. They might even give you a tax credit.
Dear B2Y, Do you have any idea whether the United States Treasury is using the money tree for propogation? I am sure the New Zealand Treasury Department would love to follow US Treasury's example - if only we could get the plant material through customs. k-bird
Rumor has it that the US Treasury will be SELLING seedlings to other nations so they can grow their own money trees. Unfortunately the price might be a little steep for some countries. Never fear though, I am sure they will come up with a plan to "bail out" all the countries unable to buy seedlings. Thanks.
Please keep in mind that when this was written over a month ago, it was intended to relay information via sarcasm and humor so as not to cause a panic or negativity. I have changed the category to humor to make sure that this post is looked upon in the proper light. Thank you.