Weekend chuckles for the seriously bored readers

It is Saturday morning, the NFL is over for the year, baseball hasn't started, politicians are fighting, and half the country is freezing and the other half wearing shorts. What are we to do to occupy ourselves in this "boring" time leading up to Valentine's Day? Well, I dug deep in the well and came up with some fun and games to help you not go crazy today. I cannot help it if you already are:

First up to bat is a simple quiz. These are not trick questions. The answers are at the end of this post:

  1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

  2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

  3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

  4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

  5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

  6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

  7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

  8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh?

  9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S'.

***Now it is time to get down to the business of getting educated in the important things in life:

A Clearer Understanding of the Wall Street Bailout:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

***Now that you are schooled in the inner workings of high finances, it is time to move on to other vital things need to be well informed in our turbulent times:

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies (that really work!):

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

***Now you are fully schooled in all the information needed to make it through the weekend. Since you have been such good students, I will leave you with this "food for thought":

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Florida he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied,'6.'

The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

***That was not very nice, so I better leave you with one more to ponder until next time:

I was depressed last night over this financial crisis, so I called Lifeline.

Got a &%$& call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

***Here are the answers to the original quiz at the beginning of this post. Have a good weekend:

Answers To Quiz:

  1. Boxing

  2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute..)

  3. Asparagus and rhubarb .

  4. Strawberry.

  5. It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

  6. Dwarf dwell and dwindle.

  7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

  8. fresh Lettuce.

  9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts

K Reynolds @kreynolds ·

Thanks for the laugh! My brain was a bit tired out from writing a blog this morning though so I just couldn't think very clearly on the test. I only got #8 right and that came to mind right away.

K :princess:

Sandy Brooks @poodlelady ·

Well I got most of the first quiz, part of the last quiz and understood some of the rest of it. I mean come on this is a lot of information for my Saturday morning sleepy brain! :wink:

Kirk M @blessings2you ·

You are right, I condensed this so it would not cause brain freeze. I will save the silly awards for dumb criminals for a later time. This new version is much shorter and easier on the brain. Sorry.

Erin Cochran @throughfaith ·

Well, I didn't get #2 or #8 but I got the rest of them ... granted I waited until it wasn't Saturday morning any more to take the quiz though, so I guess that was cheating. LOL.

Thanks for taking my mind off of other things.

Alison Stewart @kiwibird ·

I appreciated the humour very muchbut I think the titanium plate holding my head together is interferring with the receptors in my brain so I have extreme difficulty processing anything that requires thinking! Is that good enough as an excuse?


Alison Stewart @kiwibird ·

I appreciated the humour very muchbut I think the titanium plate holding my head together is interferring with the receptors in my brain so I have extreme difficulty processing anything that requires thinking! Is that good enough as an excuse?

Do not include honorifics.

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