Birthday My Kirkus, Birthday.

Oh my Love, Oh my Love,

So much has happened. So much.

I do not recognize the person I am. I would have thought that God would have helped me become a better person. He has not. I still cannot hear him most of the time. You were my man of God. You heard him so well. I can't do this on my own. I don't know how to get close to God again. You made everything so easy for me. You even made my spiritual life easy.

So this person I have become. I used to be really nice. At least most of the time. Now I don't care. People tell me their problems and I don't care. Really I don't care. Where has the empathy gone? Died with you. Where has the compassion gone? Died with you.

Thought maybe the Lord allowed you to die so I would learn to stand spiritually on my own two feet. Well, if that was his aim, I have failed miserably. Maybe it's just a test. You always said that when trials came, it was always either a test from the Lord or an attack from the Adversary. Well, I have no doubt that your death was an attack from the devil. What I don't know is why God allowed you to die. How'd that conversation go? Did he ask you if you were ready to go? Did he ask if you were ready to leave me? Did you say yes. Did you decide to leave me here alone? You said you couldn't live without me, but you think I can live without you? I can't. This thing called living is not. It's just existing. I breathe. I exist. I laugh. I go to work. I even have fun. And then I'm alone. Alone in this house without you. Alone with my tears. Alone with my depression. Why? Why did you leave me? What am I supposed to do? I've seen others live in an alcohol or drug-induced life. Believe me, it has occurred to me. It would be so much easier. SO much easier. But then your death would have been in vain. I assume I am left here to try to do something good. Sure would be nice if the Lord would clue me in as to what that might be. Can't follow in your footsteps. Don't have your faith, your knowledge of the Bible, or your unbelievably tight relationship with the Lord. So that leaves me to do something else. What? Oh, be a waitress. Bless my customers. Really? You had to die so I could do that?

WHAT am I supposed to do?

What I'm doing is waiting for the Lord to come back. We were doing that together before you left.

I love you and I miss you. Always will. But I have so many questions. I'm so tired. I'm so angry. I'm just a mess. And my head hurts.

*

I wrote that last Thursday. You see, Thursdays are my depressed day. Which is a lot better than it used to be. Used to be every day, every night, every moment, was a depressed moment. Not true anymore.

Last year on this day, your first birthday after your death, was the worst day. Worse than Christmas. Worse than my birthday; worse than the anniversary of your death. Just the worst. It was raining. Very apropos. I sat at your grave in the rain. And wished I was in the ground next to you.

This year, I no longer actively wish to be in the ground next to you.

Don't get me wrong; I still have bad days. Usually on Thursday. Remember I have always hated Thursdays. It was the last day I had with you before returning to work for my work week. You used to try to do things to keep me from getting so down thinking about having to go back to work.

Now Thursdays are bad for a different reason. Work became my savior after your death. So Thursdays are not bad for that reason. I usually have things to do on Tuesday; and Wednesday is Widda Breakfast day; so Thursdays are usually my depressed day.

But I am now, most of the time, not depressed.

You made me who I was. Any good that is in me is because you believed in me and brought it out in me. I am no longer that person. I do not recognize myself. I feel as if I am living someone else's life.

You would be so ashamed of me. I am spiritually a mess. Not the Prayer Warrior of when you knew me. But I'm getting better, Honey. I now pray. Not nearly as long; not nearly as often, not for nearly as many people. But I actually pray instead of just asking the Lord Why? Baby steps.

So, on this your birthday, I want to tell you it is so very much better than last year. So very much better. The wind chill is negative 21 degrees C-29|F-21 so I will not be spending hours at your grave. But I will be going to see you.

I miss you still. I love you always. I thank you for making me the woman I was. Someday I'll get back there. Thank you, My Love, My Man of God.

Birthday, My Love, Birthday.

Always Your Blest

 Beth M
I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 5 months and 9 days.
I have published 39 blogs and 2,219 comments.
Paul Phillips (@paulphil)

Beth,

May He continue to draw you closer and help you to be the person you've always been growing into. Your words here are so transparent and honest, but also hopeful, my friend. I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but it does from where I'm sitting. We have that hope from our Heavenly Father, that is able to look back on good memories (and sad), and know that He will one day make it all right. My prayers for you today, as you continue your fight, my friend. Blessings from Him today.

Paul

Dorothy Von Lehe (@revgenlink)

Dear Blest, I have learned that Jesus is not going to let go of you. Know this! I have struggled especially over the last couple of years. My attention turned toward what is happening in this world and this country. And, my priority has been serving Jesus in the work I have been doing to build a ministry in Pakistan. What has suffered is my own personal relationship with Jesus. This is not a good thing. What is most important is your own relationship with God. I find my inner peace and joy when my priority focus is Jesus. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit who works to turn my attention to Jesus. Jesus IS everything I need. He is everything you need. Surrender to Him and let the Holy Spirit give you the strength, peace and joy you need to move forward in your life. Let the Holy Spirit lead you to and help you do your assigned work for Jesus. Love to you!

John 10:28-29 (NKJV)
28 And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father s hand.

K Reynolds (@kreynolds)

Please forgive me if I am out of line but I am going to say this because I knew Kirk and I know you so I can say this with confidence. Never, ever believe that Kirk would have been ashamed of you, Beth. In all the time I knew him, he was always so proud of you! I also know that he was a man who had great compassion for people who had been sent sprawling to the ground and couldn't get up again. I never knew him to condemn or criticize them.

You couldn't hear and yet you still strained to listen. You wanted to curl up and die and yet you still went out the door. You were immersed in your own pain and yet you gathered those dealing with their own pain around you so that you could all love and support one another. You utterly amaze me, my friend. I know you can't see it but you are one of the most amazing people that I know.

Deepa N (@deepaanne)

love you beth

Ann-marie Faulkner (@aggiefaulkner)

baby steps r fine... God s not goin anywhere. Remember he says I will never leave u nor forsake u he s always goin 2 b walking every step with you on this journey... .praying that u feel the peace of God in ur heart & mind... .praying u feel that closeness of God upon ur life... remember God this... .God has got u... .praying xx

Shani Matthews (@shanijane)

Love you so much, lovely! X

John Knox (@watchmanjohn)

May the Lord keep you from all evil and that his love will protect you from falling into the snare of the evil one. I declare that you will walk in love and victory that has been shed abroad in your heart. I pray that the Lord may keep your feet from stumbling and I authorize the Holy Spirit to be your guide and protector from the heat of the day. I hear the Lord say that he stands at the door I your heart spreading his arms wide over you and seeking your fellowship and communion. Remember you are a child of God redeemed from darkness and now walk in grace and mercy. Lift up your head and head the voice of the Holy Spirit. say you are mine beloved of the Father.

John Knox (@watchmanjohn)

May the Lord keep you from all evil and that his love will protect you from falling into the snare of the evil one. I declare that you will walk in love and victory that has been shed abroad in your heart. I pray that the Lord may keep your feet from stumbling and I authorize the Holy Spirit to be your guide and protector from the heat of the day. I hear the Lord say that he stands at the door I your heart spreading his arms wide over you and seeking your fellowship and communion. Remember you are a child of God redeemed from darkness and now walk in grace and mercy. Lift up your head and head the voice of the Holy Spirit. say you are mine beloved of the Father.

Joseph John Golden (@josephjohn)

I read your blog this morning first thing and I am very sorry for your loss, but know this its always better to "go through" something than to "get over" something, when a person tries to get over something they are doing it on there own power which in the end makes the situation even worst for example the death of a loved one, some will turn to things like drugs or alcohol anything that will ease the pain and yet it never works, but when a person has Jesus Christ as there foundation He will take them through it and once a person has gone "through" it, once to the other side they will be much stronger for what may lie ahead. in your weakness is He the strongest. and one day God will use you to comfort someone who is going through the exact thing you are going through and you will know exactly where the answer is. just know you have brothers and sisters praying for you, baby steps are the way to go, one day at a time and pray for grace each morning,

Beth M (@blest)

I've just spent a good (read that bad) number of minutes yelling at God and asking him why. Why am I still here and Kirk is gone. I really hate this life but I am glad that I have a God who understands me and my rants. He is acquainted with sorrow and grief. He knows my every fiber. And He still loves me. Though I still don't understand why I am still here.

D Kelley (@lineman)

This morning as I finished reading this blog I cried (big time) for you. Life is soooo unfair! Yet, none of the hurts and evil that we have to deal with was God's plan for us.

His original plan was for a life full of joy and peace! A life that would never end! But the evil one tried to tell everyone that he had a better plan, and we are feeling the results of those “better plans” .

Beth, I know that you know that God loves you, but God is allowing the evil of this world so that we will come to HATE all that is sin, all that God NEVER wanted for us. (I believe that this is why God was sorry He ever made humans in the first place. Evil hurts God and His kids.)

This is the first thing that came to mind as I read your blog this morning:
http://www.bibletimelines.net/site/1/images/POSTERS_n_CARDS/posters/HealthMayFail/Healthmayfail-8.625x11.125-300dpi.jpg

It is my hope and prayer that you and I will come to hate sin, and all of the pain it causes, as much as Jesus does!

D Kelley (@lineman)

Good morning Beth! I just reread this blog and because it is Wednesday, and Thursday is coming, I am hoping that this little poster will be a reminder of how much you are loved.
God cares this much, and more!

Kristen L. Gray (@mwifey)

Thank you, Beth, for your transparency during your season of loss, grief, and sorrow. In more ways than you will know you ARE helping us to understand that we don't always have to be perfect in our lives. Grief is real. Emotions are not easy to package up in a neat, religious, bag that expects people to be strong when they are hurting. God wants and loves us when we are broken. He is the only ONE that can make a broken vessel into a brand new vessel, shining with His glory and affecting all that comes into its presence. I honor and respect you for your courage and willingness to go through your process of healing in public. Courage, I say, YOU have in abundance! I thank God for you and will keep you in my prayers. Peace and blessings be yours, in Jesus' name.