The family is gone and it's been over a week since my Honey left this life.
You'd think I would be able to function now. You'd think I would get dressed. There are a zillion things to do. I can't seem to do one of them.
People ask me how I'm doing. How do you answer that question? I wish I were dead? I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up?
People keep telling me to lean on the Lord. I am trying but I don't think I work right. I can't even pray. I get as far as "Father, " and that's all I can say.
People keep telling me I'm strong. Ha. You think because you haven't seen me dissolved into a puddle of tears, that I am holding up OK. You would be as far from right as you can get. I hold up in public because I am numb. I do not believe this is real. I still expect to wake up from this worst of all nightmares.
I wonder if I'll ever smile again. I don't mean laugh. I have laughed plenty. My family gathered around me and we laughed well into the night. Then I went to bed and sobbed and sobbed. I can laugh with people. I cannot smile.
I know Kirk is no longer suffering. I know I will spend Eternity with him. I know the Lord still loves me. I know ... I know ... I know... .
But it doesn't matter.
I know, that's blasphemy.
But unless you have been where I am, you have no idea.
So many times, I have comforted the bereaved by saying, "I can't even imagine your pain." ... OH MY... that is not even in the same universe. You cannot imagine. I could never have imagined. Never ever could I have imagined this pain.
So, my friends. I am not strong. I am not courageous. I am barely alive, and wishing I weren't.
I know. Blasphemy.
I will carry on. I have no choice. I wish I didn't have to.
I am not mad at God. I am confused, but I am not mad at Him. I am, however, angry at the devil. But that is not news.
I read in a Grieving booklet someone gave me, about a man (true story) who was driving down the highway in Florida, when a sinkhole opened up beneath him. He was not hurt, but he was dazed and confused. He said that one minute he was driving down the highway in the bright sunshine, and the next moment he was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole with everything caving in on him.
That is a PERFECT analogy. I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole with everything caving in on me. I am not hurt physically, but I am dazed and confused.
Some time, Someone will pull me out of the deep dark hole, but I will still be dazed and confused. My world has changed.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I know, in time, I will muddle through. But right now, I don't even want to do that. I don't want to do anything.
So, when dealing with others who have lost someone, tread lightly. Platitudes do not help. Nothing helps. But religious platitudes really do not help, and in most cases, they hurt. I want to smack the people who tell me, "Well, it was the Lord's Will." NO IT WAS NOT. That's like saying the Holocaust was the Lord's WILL. Really?! You serve a God whose WILL is to steal, kill, and destroy His own people?! That's not what My Bible says.
MY God is a God of love. But He is not the god of this world. We live in a fallen world; and because of that, bad things happen. Sickness and death are by-products of our fallen state.
Yes, the Lord allowed the love of my life to be taken from me. He allowed it. He did not orchestrate it.
Telling me it was the Lord's Will is not a comfort. To be fair, no words are really a comfort. But being there is. It was such a comfort to see all the people who came to the Memorial service. It was a comfort to have family here, some of whom I haven't seen for 9 years. It is a comfort to know people love me.
In dealing with people like me, ask the Lord. Really, ask the Lord. Sometimes people hug me and I just melt into their arms. Then at another time the same person can hug me, and I just want to run and get as far away, as fast as possible.
Only the Lord knows what the bereaved one needs.
Someday, maybe soon, I'll be able to once again hear that still small voice.
Right now though, I am still at the bottom of that deep dark hole.
I think I'll go have another cup of coffee. And then maybe think about getting dressed.