Grieving the Love of My Life

The family is gone and it's been over a week since my Honey left this life.

You'd think I would be able to function now. You'd think I would get dressed. There are a zillion things to do. I can't seem to do one of them.

People ask me how I'm doing. How do you answer that question? I wish I were dead? I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up?

People keep telling me to lean on the Lord. I am trying but I don't think I work right. I can't even pray. I get as far as "Father, " and that's all I can say.

People keep telling me I'm strong. Ha. You think because you haven't seen me dissolved into a puddle of tears, that I am holding up OK. You would be as far from right as you can get. I hold up in public because I am numb. I do not believe this is real. I still expect to wake up from this worst of all nightmares.

I wonder if I'll ever smile again. I don't mean laugh. I have laughed plenty. My family gathered around me and we laughed well into the night. Then I went to bed and sobbed and sobbed. I can laugh with people. I cannot smile.

I know Kirk is no longer suffering. I know I will spend Eternity with him. I know the Lord still loves me. I know ... I know ... I know... .

But it doesn't matter.

I know, that's blasphemy.

But unless you have been where I am, you have no idea.

So many times, I have comforted the bereaved by saying, "I can't even imagine your pain." ... OH MY... that is not even in the same universe. You cannot imagine. I could never have imagined. Never ever could I have imagined this pain.

So, my friends. I am not strong. I am not courageous. I am barely alive, and wishing I weren't.

I know. Blasphemy.

I will carry on. I have no choice. I wish I didn't have to.

I am not mad at God. I am confused, but I am not mad at Him. I am, however, angry at the devil. But that is not news.

I read in a Grieving booklet someone gave me, about a man (true story) who was driving down the highway in Florida, when a sinkhole opened up beneath him. He was not hurt, but he was dazed and confused. He said that one minute he was driving down the highway in the bright sunshine, and the next moment he was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole with everything caving in on him.

That is a PERFECT analogy. I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole with everything caving in on me. I am not hurt physically, but I am dazed and confused.

Some time, Someone will pull me out of the deep dark hole, but I will still be dazed and confused. My world has changed.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I know, in time, I will muddle through. But right now, I don't even want to do that. I don't want to do anything.

So, when dealing with others who have lost someone, tread lightly. Platitudes do not help. Nothing helps. But religious platitudes really do not help, and in most cases, they hurt. I want to smack the people who tell me, "Well, it was the Lord's Will." NO IT WAS NOT. That's like saying the Holocaust was the Lord's WILL. Really?! You serve a God whose WILL is to steal, kill, and destroy His own people?! That's not what My Bible says.

MY God is a God of love. But He is not the god of this world. We live in a fallen world; and because of that, bad things happen. Sickness and death are by-products of our fallen state.

Yes, the Lord allowed the love of my life to be taken from me. He allowed it. He did not orchestrate it.

Telling me it was the Lord's Will is not a comfort. To be fair, no words are really a comfort. But being there is. It was such a comfort to see all the people who came to the Memorial service. It was a comfort to have family here, some of whom I haven't seen for 9 years. It is a comfort to know people love me.

In dealing with people like me, ask the Lord. Really, ask the Lord. Sometimes people hug me and I just melt into their arms. Then at another time the same person can hug me, and I just want to run and get as far away, as fast as possible.

Only the Lord knows what the bereaved one needs.

Someday, maybe soon, I'll be able to once again hear that still small voice.

Right now though, I am still at the bottom of that deep dark hole.

I think I'll go have another cup of coffee. And then maybe think about getting dressed.

Maybe.

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 Beth M+ (@blest)
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Beth, I remember saying the same things.

I think about you all the time knowing how much you hurt.

Please keep writing/blogging.

You are loved.

alight

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It's not blasphemy. Feels like it.
Okay. I want say anything in fact I'm not saying anything. But I will listen as I'm sure many others here will. So you write it, work through it and we will listen. Well read anyway.

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I am listening, praying and loving.

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Beth,

No words other than you are loved, listening,and I (we) are here ...

In Him,
Les

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Dear mamma... right from the beginning of joining CB..you have become a part of my life.. And I truly feel so proud that I got a Godly mother like you..When I lost my mother in the year 2003..I strongly believed nobody can replace our mother.. But you did! Never seen.. Never heard..but you are my everloving mamma..Love you so much..
Yours Tina

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Beth. If there wasn't the huge issue of a ocean and other countries between us... I would be there in a heart beat. I would flick on the kettle and we could have a cuppa and chat and just be. But truth is nothing I can say is going to take away your pain but as a friend I want to sit with you and hold your hand. I am praying xx

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You get a far as praying "father", babe that's further than a lot of people get.

Let us do the praying for you and then one day you will have strength to take that mantle on again.

Eternal Father you are God of the broken hearted and of those who have no strength . Be the God who carries Beth until she is strong enough to stand unaided.

I have some phrases I could teach you when you need platitude people to back off. Maybe not though eh?

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I join in with my fellow brothers and sisters and say - Keep blogging for we are here listening - guarenteed.

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Beth.. i really dont have any words to comfort you.. but i know i came to the Lord like child.. crying and tired of fighting these realities of this worldly life.. though u might feel u r alone in this pain.. but you are not alone.. there are so many people around this world who is grieving the pain.. this pain kinda knocks every home in the world.. it keep going in turns.. today it is someones and tomorrow it is somebody else's pain..

if i have to tell u the truth.. my realization of how short this human life is.. it is like a grass which withers in a while.. it gives me a lot of questions.. what is the purpose.. if everything is designes to be lost then why work hard.. why should i fall i love..

but the Lord has the answer for every question.. i am glad that this is not the end but the begining.. i am happy to gladly finish the jorney.. and complete what God has called me far. And return back to Him into the heavenly kingdom.. i am happpy that He came for us.. to reveal the truth.. so that we can be delivered from darkness into His light..

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Beth, grief is unique to the individual. Nothing you are doing or saying is wrong. This is your journey, and whatever you do, just take your time, as healing does not occur overnight. I remember when my dad died, it was hard because as a Christian I thought I should have found comfort in the Lord, but I didn't. Time is the greatest gift to man from a loving God. He understands, He knows, He's listening. It's comforting to know that He knows our words before we do. This journey begins by simply putting one foot in front of the other and I can't think of no better way to write it than that. I'm sorry for your pain, so let us pray for you, while you walk, or run, or sit, or cry. It's just one day at a time; which in hindsight is a blessing. Take care of yourself, we'll pray for you.

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It takes time -enough said. Big Hugs Love You Bunches

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Beth, I ve been thinking a lot about what you've written, and what keeps coming to mind is a particular writing about grief from a book entitled Peace of Mind by Dr. Joshua Loth Liebman (1907-1948), former rabbi of Temple Israel of Boston, Massachusetts.

In his book he wrote to those experiencing grief to ¦

¦ express as much grief as you actually feel. Do not be ashamed of your emotions. Do not be afraid of breaking down under the strain of your loss. The pain that you feel now will be the tool and the instrument of your later healing. Furthermore, the function of friends is to be the sounding board for the grief ¦

We are your sounding board...

-enje

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Why?

I keep thinking about you, and not having any words, staring at a blue box. Just: why?

Still crying for you.

:heart: :cry:

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Oh Beth, my grief is very different from yours so please forgive me for wanting too much to understand and relate to your hurt. You were one of the strongest women who encouraged me and prayed for me through my mess and you are deeply loved for that alone. I'm still slogging through some days, but conquering much more often than not. Just this morning I was praying to God, thanking him for just BEING. He has been my greatest strength (even when I've just checked out and gone into auto pilot - He is my auto pilot!) and I hope you will see his grace towards you more and more in the days ahead. Little things like a perfectly timed song on the radio or the uncanny accuracy of my daily devotional.
This morning, when I thanked God for just being - for just existing at all - He answered me! In my head, I understand his answer even though I didn't hear the words! He said, "Thank YOU for being." Wow. The God of the universe, expressed in the body of my Lord Jesus Christ, thanked ME for hanging on!? Because I haven't wanted to. The only thing that's kept me from checking out entirely is him. And he thanked me for it?! My God, my God, forgive me for forgetting how much you love me. That you made me just so that you could enjoy my presence. I never expected him to answer me back in that moment. But he did. He loves us so much, Mrs. Beth. He is much closer than you realize.

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