I Went to See his Grave Today

Oh, my dear Friends at CB. You are keeping me breathing. Which, most of the time I do not view as a good thing. I have no reason to get out of bed. Then I think, "I need to check CB" and I get out of bed.

Today I visited his grave. Not a bad thing. Just a thing. I stayed for a couple hours, alternately crying, sitting, staring, and lying with my head next to where his head is 6 feet down.

I had not seen my brother in 9 years. I love my brother, always have. But we talked only on birthdays, and the last few birthdays, we just left messages for each other. So I was surprised when he came. I was extremely thankful, but surprised.

He has called me every night since.

Which shocks me even more than him coming here.

Last night, as I was crying into the phone once again, he said, "You wouldn't be feeling this pain if you hadn't felt the depth of love."

I have to be thankful for what I had.

Many have never had that.

I'm still empty.

I have to try to be thankful. I am thankful for my time with the love of my life. I am thankful that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that he felt the same way about me.

I keep trying to talk with God. I keep trying. But I'm not hearing anything back. I think of Job. The devil asked God's permission to destroy him. God said he could, but he had to spare his life. I don't understand why God didn't say that to the devil in regards to Kirk. Why, oh, why did he allow his life to be taken?

Is it a test?

I really don't get it.

I'm reading some Grief booklets someone gave me. They seem to imply that in a year or two, I might want to breathe again. Really? And how on earth will I make it a year or two. It has been 12 days and it's felt like an eternity already. I look at the clock and groan. I just want it to be time to go to bed, so I can go to sleep. But sleep eludes me too.

I just want the Lord to come back. Today.

Creative Commons: Public Domain
 Beth M+ (@blest)
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K Reynolds+

Your brother is right. :pray:

Joyce Bethy Ferguson

Father I have sat here for twenty minutes and tried to think of words that will comfort and give hope, but I have none . Lord you and you alone feel and understand the depth of Beth's despair and so I beg of you to help her breathe again one day. Lord Lord carry Beth.

Sarah VM

Every night I think it's not right. Why, Lord, did this happen to our Beth? Why, to Beth who loves her Kirk and appreciates him and needs him?

Maybe you can't let us understand the why, Lord ... but please sustain Beth, please watch over her and provide for her, hold her now, help her both to sleep and to get up.

The Psalm 139 song Joyce Bethy Ferguson (@bethy) posted on the wall seems very apropos.

But mostly just ... come, Lord Jesus ...

:bearhug: :cry:

Les B+

Blest,

I stand with and continue in prayer for you. Praying words from the Father breakthrough directly to your heart quickly.

In Christ,
Les

Evie White+

I love you. It gets easier. I promise the grief will fade.

Steve Hurt

I've talked and sat with both my parents when they lost loved ones. (Respectfully step dad and mom).
There are no words for grief, the lose. But evie is right and K.

Sandy Brooks

I have no words to ease your pain -no words of wisdom -no way to lead you through this but I love you dearly and pray for you continually. Keep talking to God even though He seems not there -He hears your crys and feels your pain and He does Love You.

Deepa N

Beth, i started reading ur blog at work.. i read a few lines till what ur brother said on phone..then something else come up and i stopped reading it.. as i was coming back.. i was just thinking about you.. even without reading ur blog this is what my heart told me.. Beth you fought a good fight in stopping the evil from taking awayKirk from you. You prayed.. you put your full faith in God.. requested for prayers.. and so many of us prayed to the Lord with hope and faith.. to our God almighty.. it is a big war between the fear and the faith.. in which we all were with you.. Beth.. you did not lose the fight.. you won it.. no man can imagine what God has in store for those who trust in Him..

It is not a test or a punishment.. it is the truth and we have to accept it

in John's gospel.. our Lord keeps repeating.. my hour has not come.. it is learning to us..

Dwight Alight Davis

I've been through what you are going through 12 days later and I don't have any answers. B2Y would have had the answers, he always did. I wish I was half the Godly man he was. He has got to be sitting there with the 12 disciples listening to Jesus. Beth, you have many many friends who are here for you 24 hours a day, around the world. Lean on us dear friend. Cry on our shoulders. Feel our hugs.

alight

Tina Edwin

Brother Kirk ... A beautiful soul..full of love and faith..really hard ! Dear Father shed your peace..love and comfort with all its fullness..

Barbara Kankowske

Beth you are daily in my thoughts and prayers also. We all need a friend, most especially in the difficult times of life. You have many friends here praying and thinking of you as you share your journey. Your brother expressed what I said, as well others, that the depth of the love you felt makes the loss all the more excruciating. To those who have not had that kind of love there is certainly loss and pain, but not the overwhelming pain of those who have had such love.

It makes me wonder if those who have only known measured love carry the loss of it little by little. I often remind myself and others that love is expressed in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. When I was first born again and baptized in the Spirit, the Holy Spirit told me that my father loved me with everything he had... but he only had rejection. That was a true comfort. My parents would never divorce because neither would give up the children. He expressed that love in many ways, but rejection was there in my teen years, due to his own wounding and fear. I am thankful for the love he gave. That understanding helped me immensely with my father, as well as through the journey of life (that wounded people can only give what they have).

It seems to me that you had a very rare and precious gift that many of us will not have known. Try to remember and cherish the preciousness as a comfort for all the pain of loss, even if now it feels like just a tiny, tiny comfort.

Barb

TL Sia

I have just found out! And I am deeply saddened by the news... I have been a fly on the wall visiting CB intermittently. Kirk's dedication to the study of and sharing of the Word will always be an inspiration. I will miss him and cherish the legacy of his prolific writing - here for always on CB, "blessings2you" will be remembered fondly.

@Beth - I'm so sorry for your loss my dear sister... Someone once shared with me that when we leave this world we are really just having a change of address. We have a time here and when we have served our purpose we are beckoned home to be with our Lord. We'll miss Kirk for a while but there will come a day when we will worship together in Heaven. I pray God extends His Arms over you right now to hold you even closer - to be your balm, your comfort. I pray also that He will assign more of His Holy Angels to watch over you and to enable provision for all of your needs...

Sia ("doulos")