Oh, my dear Friends at CB. You are keeping me breathing. Which, most of the time I do not view as a good thing. I have no reason to get out of bed. Then I think, "I need to check CB" and I get out of bed.
Today I visited his grave. Not a bad thing. Just a thing. I stayed for a couple hours, alternately crying, sitting, staring, and lying with my head next to where his head is 6 feet down.
I had not seen my brother in 9 years. I love my brother, always have. But we talked only on birthdays, and the last few birthdays, we just left messages for each other. So I was surprised when he came. I was extremely thankful, but surprised.
He has called me every night since.
Which shocks me even more than him coming here.
Last night, as I was crying into the phone once again, he said, "You wouldn't be feeling this pain if you hadn't felt the depth of love."
I have to be thankful for what I had.
Many have never had that.
I'm still empty.
I have to try to be thankful. I am thankful for my time with the love of my life. I am thankful that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that he felt the same way about me.
I keep trying to talk with God. I keep trying. But I'm not hearing anything back. I think of Job. The devil asked God's permission to destroy him. God said he could, but he had to spare his life. I don't understand why God didn't say that to the devil in regards to Kirk. Why, oh, why did he allow his life to be taken?
Is it a test?
I really don't get it.
I'm reading some Grief booklets someone gave me. They seem to imply that in a year or two, I might want to breathe again. Really? And how on earth will I make it a year or two. It has been 12 days and it's felt like an eternity already. I look at the clock and groan. I just want it to be time to go to bed, so I can go to sleep. But sleep eludes me too.
I just want the Lord to come back. Today.
Father I have sat here for twenty minutes and tried to think of words that will comfort and give hope, but I have none . Lord you and you alone feel and understand the depth of Beth's despair and so I beg of you to help her breathe again one day. Lord Lord carry Beth.
Every night I think it's not right. Why, Lord, did this happen to our Beth? Why, to Beth who loves her Kirk and appreciates him and needs him?
Maybe you can't let us understand the why, Lord ... but please sustain Beth, please watch over her and provide for her, hold her now, help her both to sleep and to get up.
The Psalm 139 song Joyce Bethy Ferguson (@bethy) posted on the wall seems very apropos.
But mostly just ... come, Lord Jesus ...
I stand with and continue in prayer for you. Praying words from the Father breakthrough directly to your heart quickly.
I love you. It gets easier. I promise the grief will fade.
I've talked and sat with both my parents when they lost loved ones. (Respectfully step dad and mom).
There are no words for grief, the lose. But evie is right and K.
I have no words to ease your pain -no words of wisdom -no way to lead you through this but I love you dearly and pray for you continually. Keep talking to God even though He seems not there -He hears your crys and feels your pain and He does Love You.
Beth, i started reading ur blog at work.. i read a few lines till what ur brother said on phone..then something else come up and i stopped reading it.. as i was coming back.. i was just thinking about you.. even without reading ur blog this is what my heart told me.. Beth you fought a good fight in stopping the evil from taking awayKirk from you. You prayed.. you put your full faith in God.. requested for prayers.. and so many of us prayed to the Lord with hope and faith.. to our God almighty.. it is a big war between the fear and the faith.. in which we all were with you.. Beth.. you did not lose the fight.. you won it.. no man can imagine what God has in store for those who trust in Him..
It is not a test or a punishment.. it is the truth and we have to accept it
in John's gospel.. our Lord keeps repeating.. my hour has not come.. it is learning to us..
I've been through what you are going through 12 days later and I don't have any answers. B2Y would have had the answers, he always did. I wish I was half the Godly man he was. He has got to be sitting there with the 12 disciples listening to Jesus. Beth, you have many many friends who are here for you 24 hours a day, around the world. Lean on us dear friend. Cry on our shoulders. Feel our hugs.
Brother Kirk ...A beautiful soul..full of love and faith..really hard ! Dear Father shed your peace..love and comfort with all its fullness..