Six Weeks a Widow. Where are you, God?

Where are you, God? Where are you? I can't feel you; I can't hear you. I am drowning.

People say that Kirk is by me. No, he is not. He is awaiting the Lord's return. I don't feel his presence; I feel only his absence.

So this is why we are to hate the world, I suppose.

What would he want me to do?

I have no idea.

I know what he would have done, for he told me. If I had gone before him, he would have joined a hermitage in Southern Missouri. But he didn't tell me what to do. He told me what he THOUGHT I would do, and that is to move back to Pennsylvania. He said it in an off-handed way, as in "duh" of course you would move back to PA. But he certainly did not say it as that is what he would want me to do, just that he assumed I would do that.

My job is here. The home we shared is here. He is buried here.

My family wants me to move back East. But, let's think this through. My siblings are not all in PA. Only one sister is in Pennsylvania. My brother is in New York; and my other sister is in Virginia. Granted, a lot closer than the 1000 miles between them and me right now. But. They have their own families. What exactly would I be going back for?

Everyone says (the omniscient "they") that I should not make any major decisions for at least a year. OK, I can understand that, because decisions like whether to buy blueberry yogurt or peach yogurt have me stymied. My mother asked me if I wanted the curtains opened today. I couldn't even make that decision, and I am supposed to make the decision of what to do for the rest of my life?

Somehow being a waitress doesn't hold the appeal it once did. Simply because now I no longer have retirement with Kirk to look forward to. Previously I would have reworked that sentence so as not to end with a preposition. Now I don't care. I care about little to nothing anymore.

I search Jerusalem Post and Breaking News to look for some glimmer of hope that the world is coming to an end and the Lord is returning soon.

I look at the stack of paperwork and housework and other things that I have to do; and instead of tackling them, I just sit and stare... and cry.

I used to love cooking. Loved it! I used to use a microwave only to warm up my coffee, and for those handy steam-in-the-bag vegetables. Now every meal is made in the microwave. We have had the same meal for days and days in a row. My mother's forgetfulness is handy that way. She has no idea.

Why is God silent? And why am I deaf? Is it one? Is it both?

I can't do this for 40 or 50 more years. I just can't.

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 Beth M+ (@blest)
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Deepa N

beth, wish i were able to hug you. may be God is busy holding u and listening to what u have to say.

Joyce Bethy Ferguson

Lord allow Beth to hear you.

K Reynolds+

No, you are not supposed to make life-changing decisions right now, especially if you can't easily reverse those decisions if you discover it is not right for you.

As for the other stuff, some of that stuff can't wait. I remember that in 2014 you had two friends come and help you sort through paperwork. Sometimes just having someone sitting down with you helps. Sigh... if I were there, we would tackle it together so I am praying someone closer will step in.

As for the stuff that can wait, just focus on one thing, even if it is just getting out of
bed and feeding the animals. Tomorrow or the next day, you will do that, plus warm up the coffee in the microwave.

Barbara Kankowske

Beth many years ago I discovered the hardest time to hear the Lord... It is when our emotions are roiling. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer and with his heart problem the surgeon would not operate without an OK and the two could not agree. A friend of mine said I needed to hear God's will for him. He was 70 and she said I also needed to know his will, whether to live or not. Mind you she was a word of faith person so it came as quite a surprise to me. I exclaimed, "how can I hear God now?" I was reeling with emotion.

A week or two later I was driving and a scripture came to my mind. It was a scripture I did not know and questioned if it was scripture, although it sure sounded like it. It kept repeating. It was the Holy Spirit breaking through to me. It is an involved story with a promise that carried me through his battle onto victory. Nevertheless, the point is I could not hear in such a state, but God in His time, broke through.

Since that time, over the years, I have had such emotional states. One time I did something very different. I knew that God will give me a word for someone when I prayed for them. So, I pictured a woman in the chair across from me. I 'saw myself praying for this woman who so needed a word.' I asked God what He would say to her to help her. Positioning myself outside of my emotions was a great help. I knew what God would say to her!

I learned a lesson through this. Our emotions can cause a big problem to hearing the small still voice of the Spirit. You are in a place of extreme emotional pain but you are not alone. God never leaves us nor forsakes us. For now, He may seem quiet, but perhaps it is the raging storm that makes it feel like you are all alone.

As Jesus quieted the storm on the sea, we are all praying He calm the storm around your heart, so you may once again see the salvation of the Lord you experienced when Kirk came into your life.

Love and prayers,
Barb

Barbra Lambert

Beth, I'm praying for you as bethy is praying, and as I was thinking about Deepa's "broken foot," the thought occurred to me that when something about us is "broken" we cannot function the same way we did before the brokenness, because it disrupts everything about our everyday living for an indeterminable amount of time.

Your heart is broken, and as Barb so understandable wrote, "You are in a place of extreme emotional pain... " and that degree of pain can cause us to be emotionally drained and sometimes, just getting out of bed and doing the absolute "musts" is all we can do in this painful time.

I agree with K :princess: - "As for the stuff that can wait, just focus on one thing, even if it is just getting out of bed and feeding the animals. Tomorrow or the next day, you will do that, plus warm up the coffee in the microwave."

Thinking of you and praying for you daily...

-enje

Sarah VM

Making it through to the next cup of coffee is a good start.

Daniel O'Donnell - One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus

God is holding you so close. But the pain is so big, how could you possibly feel anything but the pain? Girl you are only human, you are going through so much, doing so well even though it in no way resembles "doing well" by your usual standard.

I pray that God will let you hear him through the storm soon, soon as you are ready. Every night we all in this house ask God to "Please help Beth". Truth be told I have no other words for it that I can use in front of the kiddos because I'm still flipping fuming that my smart, beautiful, young friend who really loved and really deserved her loving husband is left like this. You are right on the mark methinks with your remark about hating the world.

I love you and think about you always. You are the best Beth M+ (@blest) :-*

Nancy Stank

Oh Beth, I have not been on here for awhile. I am so sorry for your loss and I am lifting you in prayer. For strength and comfort... ... .

Alison Stewart

Dear Jesus, Only you know the depth of grief that our friend Beth is carrying and only you can provide the answers to the questions that she has constantly welling up within her. I ask, Lord, that you send an Angel to comfort and support Beth, to bring her counsel in the midst of her sorrow. Bring alongside her someone who can help her to make sense of some of the responsibilities that she has now got to face within her new circumstances. Above all, Lord, I ask that Beth will find within herself a tiny portion of the peace that passes all understanding - a gift that only you can give. Amen

Evie White

Thinking of you...

Beth M+

Eight weeks now. No change. I just re-read all of your comments, and I am so very thankful for each one of you. Your prayers have gotten me through to the next cup of coffee. Not a good thing in my book, but I am choking

No, I am not really choking, but every time I write "I am " on my tablet, it auto-suggests "choking" as the next word. Which cracks me up. Humor is good.

Maybe that will be my byline: I am choking

Beth M+

Today is 15 weeks. And I could write this same blog again.