Lord, The hardest questions of all. I will ask them. I must ask them. As denial is weaker still.
Do I soothe my fears with fairy tales and pixie dust,
Clothed in religion and seriousness of worship,
As a child believes in Santa Claus?
Do I believe blindly so I can chase my fears away?
Do I wield You as a sword, a club, a wedge, a shield,
To push my own agenda, truly only what I want,
Saying ‘by God' when I really mean ‘by me' and for me and through me?
I say it is what You want, by Your command only.
But is it really what I want and thus I invoke You blasphemously?
Do I put my words in Your mouth?
Do I heap up the teachings and structure,
Of two thousand years of generations,
To support my weakness and uncertainty,
And call it faith?
Do I lean on the scaffold of Christianity with faith in institution,
Rather than true faith in You, as I have not my own two legs to stand on?
When I don't know, since there is so much to know,
When I can't quite discern it,
Do I reject it and throw up my hands,
And surrender to what is merely ignorance?
Do I sweep away my sins, my errors, my faults and failures,
So conveniently with the broom of salvation, reconciliation, confession and faith,
So that I can finally live with my past and present self?
Do I yearn for change and challenge and excitement,
Bored of the mundane and mesmerized by Your brilliance but not truly infused,
Just watching not living not truly letting You in and just enjoying the show,
That I've created for me?
Will I bore of You and move on?
Do I establish You in my life for my greatness sake?
Do I puff myself up with false holy pride and false humility?
Do I truly believe?
Denial is weaker still.