As I was walking I started wondering, when did I start becoming a burden to myself. I have become so heavy that I cannot carry myself. Physically, I am thin, may be that is why I am weak and I am finding it hard to pull, but I have been thin since childhood, and I have never found myself so difficult to carry. Since my childhood, I have never been so enthusiastic about going to school, I go to school to have good time with my friends, which is what I pretty much do today.
In reality if I look at my life today, it is self sufficient. When I look at my day, there isn't much I am crying about, compared to the past. But still there is a heaviness in my heart and my mind, which makes me feel, I am pushing or pulling myself everyday. Why am I seeming to be a burden to me?
It actually comes from my past, it was the scar that came from my life which I was living before I came into the Lord. It is the pains and the sufferings I went throughin the abusive relationship. It has kind of left me with the feeling that I am a burden. Because the other person, kind of painted that image about me in the past, which is so difficult to get rid of.
Couple of weeks back, I met a lady as I was waiting for the train, she told me that she was going back to her parents, but cannot stay with them, as she has to be in the "home for abused women" for nine months, before she can return back to her home. I asked her what was her age, she told me she was 56. I was wondering, that it took someone 56yrs to come out of an abusive relationship. I was thankful to God that I came out of it at a very early age.
But still I know there are many women and men, who don't have the strength to come out of abusive relationship, they think that this is love, and they need to go through the pains and sufferings as part of the love they have for their kids or their parents or their spouse. I did some little reading to see why don't people chose to come out of the abusive relationships, one main reason is they dont have the required support that can help them to stand by themselves, secondly, the fear of the person who has beenabusive, the abusive person tends to grow more agressive when they realize that the victim is trying to escape, which will put them into more danger.
I crossed through these fears and these difficulties, without even realizing what these were, in total darkness. I was searching for help in darkness. By the grace of the Lord, He brought in the required support, both in terms of shelter and the Spiritual strength and support of the Lord, which promised me a safe home and a safe path.
I know that Satan works through human beings and tries to enslave the innocent and the ignorant, but Jesus Christ through His Spirit (Love) and Wisdom, He frees His sheep and He declares His victory over the Satan.
May I say that whilst you may believe you are a burden to yourself you are an absolute blessing to us here.