Mighty be My last Blog on CB God's Call Through You

I'm going out on a limb being new and not having “earned the right to be heard.” Think K. was referring to me about leaving as I told her a week or so ago I was seriously considering leaving (my medication balance was a factor). Apart from that, in the first month, it was evident there's a strong desire to be 'heard, seen and viewed as wise, a teacher or of great knowledge.' In my heart, I too desire this.

Deep in my heart, there's no desire to offend any. I'm really at the 'last stop' with nothing to offer other than a broken person, with Jesus restoring each day bit by bit. Dorothy stated clearly Christ's intent from Eph. 4. Unity, love and honor to one another while proclaiming Jesus to a dying world separated from God.

Our warnings are in Titus 3:1 – 2

“Remind your people to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good. They must not speak evil of anyone, and they must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone. (NLT)

2 Tim. 2:23 – 25

“Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.” (NIV)

I traded hard line Calvinistic Dispensationial views for Armenian Pentecostal ones; promised healing! I'd pursued every avenue for decades to be healed.

Only through God's amazing loving and pursuit of me, He revealed what I truly wanted, healing over Him. Additionally, unforgiveness back to childhood needed to be addressed for me to go further in relationship with Him.

Each of you has been a great source of love, encouragement, and wisdom! I long to continue learning, watching, and observing your lives of love and resurrected power in Christ. Then live and proclaim nothing more than Jesus and Him crucified (I Cor. 2:1 - 5).

I experienced hurt and rejection from both sides of the theological spectrum. Ones telling me God holds the heart of Pharaoh in His hand and if I truly come to Christ, by His Spirit he will restore my mind to what's right ('normal' in their sight). On the other hand, if I have enough faith, get rid of willful disobedience, have deliverance prayers, fast for demon oppression, etc... I'll be healed.

Did it, tried it and didn't happen. Obviously, something wrong with me! Finally, my brother-in-law told me I needed to be prayed for deliverance from prescription drug addiction (pharmakia in Greek). Yes, witchcraft and idolatry. Needless to say, the love of Jesus wasn't visible and I surmised over years neither side:

1.) Had true understanding.

2.) Viewed anyone who tried to be a disciple of Christ suffering mental disorders, as needing to 'let Jesus get them together, Christian's don't experience mental illness.'

3.) Both had what I dumbed 'exception doctirne' (congenital birth defects, head trauma or if late 60's, early 70's; Dementia, Alzheimer's, etc... was OK because you were near the end of your life).

4.) Most importantly, I embarrassed the Kingdom and was inconvenient to their theology, yet alone to love.

All this to say ... I DON'T need theology (study of God)! I need a loving God and Savior in Jesus, lived through and in front me. I respond to His over whelming love and do the same. I'm grateful Christ has put a few people in my life to show me He lives. Through them, Christ loved, held, and sustained me.

Through Jesus and His love of putting my needs above their own, I saw how He never gave up on a crushed pot. To the contrary, through Christ the potter's field became His and God put the broken rubbish back together again in Jesus.

I'll share one example of a person who did this for me. I'd done OK in school graduating in the top 5% of my University but was non-functional at graduation from acute anxiety, depression OCD. I found a Christian physiatrist who prayed for each of their patients daily. She began to see me. I now began to address the above plus unforgiveness and rage.

Anxiety attacks began at six, was abused at age 10, surreptitiously queried my “Christian” parents regarding the abuse to learn God could “never forgive me.” So, live 60 more years (from 1970), then death at 70 and hell for eternity.

I now sat, with a “Spirit” filled doctor who had twenty years clinical experience. A Cornell graduate with a PhD and M.D. from John Hopkins University. I was in attack mode from life experience. The world was an angry, rage filled place where ALL cared only for themselves. She had me on benzodiazepines and major tranquilizers.

Office visits were twice a week. After a year, down came the gauntlet with my T&C's. “If you say God really loves, show me ... prove it. I'll come but won't pay a dime, you'll only get what insurance covers (50% at the time), take it or leave it.” She said, “I accept.”

An on edge 24 year old, challenging a Dr. from a top medical school and hospital world over. By earthly standards, pedigree impeccable, nothing compared to Christ in this godly woman. To my shame, I called her and her postulations every name in the book. She could and probably should have told me to walk but never wavered.

After a year, Jesus convicted me of His great love and my great need to repent. I kept track of money owed and paid her back every cent. With many tears I asked forgiveness. Her response was straight forward and simple, “you are forgiven.”

Why do I say this now? Christ has gone to such great lengths over 45 years to show a son of wrath and rage, His Incomprehensible love. Beyond that, he put a Dr. for 22 years into my life showing truly lived, God's love in this life. I am 100% bought into the greatest of things is God's love (I Cor. 13).

I can talk all day about spiritual positions and doctrines (pre-tribulation, post tribulation, eternal security, etc... ). It ultimately doesn't mean a thing to me or people in the world. They need and want to see a loving God and Savior walked out in their midst. Like I saw, one who laid down their ego so I could see Jesus on earth.

I sat across from a lady I didn't have the right to be in the room with (not just in worldly terms, include spiritual for if so moved she walked mightily in the power of the Spirit, etc... ). She would be the first to say the gifts or gifting's, are from God. He can remove if so inclined, anytime.

What Christ never removes is the call to show His unconditional agape love in a Phil. 2 manner. I was privileged to see this walked out in front of me, by one I was unworthy of. My current doctor last year said, “At least you aren't on Haldol (H-Bomb of major tranquilizers). I replied, “You forgot the list of +20 medications I first listed 7 or 8 years ago.

I called my Dr. in Portland though no contact since '05. She returned the message. I said, “I realize now you were trying to keep me from being committed or committing suicide, thank you for saving my life.” She simply replied, 'it was my pleasure to serve you as Christ called me too.”

K. is correct, relationships take time and many of you have been on CB years. I do not desire to be a “fly in the ointment” or cause disconcert. I desire to walk as close as possible to Jesus daily and proclaim His love. I respect other doctrinal points of view but I've become very simplistic in my old age.

Our Pastor in Portland said shortly before going home to the Lord after battling leukemia for 24 years, (had a great sense of humor and poked fun), it will all “pan” out in the end because the Lord is in control (all smiled knowing reference to pantheism).

I don't want or expect any big influx of comments or whatever. I thank you for letting me be a part of CB but will quietly move on if God through you give that indication. I'll let those who have me marked as a friend send a message to indicate your leaning. In Jesus Christ's over whelming love, thank you.