Blindsided this week

verb blind·side \ˈblīn(d)-ˌsīd\
* : to hit (someone who is facing in another direction) suddenly
* :to surprise or shock (someone) in a very unpleasant way
I was sitting at a red light. I had called my Mom to tell her I was on my way to my house to pick her up, the light turned green and so I started to head home when there was a loud crash and my head hit my window. I was dazed and confused as I heard my car through the radio saying "calling 911".
I was blindsided. I never saw the truck barreling through the red light. In an instant I was hit and my car was totaled.
I experienced so much in such a short amount of time. The other driver and some stranger kept trying to get me to get out of my car. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to look at my 5 yr old son still strapped in his car seat. What if he wasn't ok? I was paralyzed with fear of having the potential to lose him at the same time I was feeling the loss of my firstborn.
It seemed crazy with all the drama going on around me to be grieving as if I was just getting hit with the news instead of being hit by a truck.
There were people all asking questions and sirens and lights and shattered car parts everywhere, and I was half there witnessing it all and half back there in the moment I realized my son was dead. I wanted to scream at the people around me asking me if I was ok "No!! I am not ok my son died and I haven't been ok since, and I will never be ok again."
In those few moments I was broken just like my car. I was wrecked and totaled.
Four days later I am still just fighting to feel normal. When you get blindsided it puts you on edge. You are just looking around cautiously hoping and praying it doesn't happen again. You want to see it coming the next time and you assume it could be anytime. At the next red light or just waking up to a doorbell ringing at 8:38 am on a Saturday morning. You never do get to see it coming, that is why it is called "blindsided". You are hit and hurt and damaged and shocked and your life altered forever and all you want is to go back to the moments before and change the course and direction and ultimately the outcome.
I eventually got out of my car and removed my belongings knowing I would never be in that car again. On the backseat was Mitchell's Bible, I picked it up and placed it in the bag flashing back to when I had found it on his back seat when I cleaned out his car, knowing I would never see him pull up again or hear him grip about what a piece of junk it was.
It is hard to go on when your shattered in pieces and get hit with moments like I had the other day and that day in May 2014. It is hard to fear losing another child all the time and pushing those fears aside while you continue to function and do the everyday normal stuff when you feel far from normal.
Life is a big, fast, devastating truck sometimes. It just hits you and breaks you and leaves you totaled. So what can you do? What should I do with all this brokenness? I have no other option than to press on. Push past the fear, the hurt, the pain, the uncertainty and trust in God to see me through. I need to remember that I am going to get hit and damaged along the road to my final destination. I am going to carry the trauma and grief with me everywhere I go, but I never go alone. Through these trials and tribulations I have a hope that can not be destroyed. A faith that can not be diminished and a God who never forsakes me. I am shaken but not destroyed. God is repairing all the damage and his word promises I will be renewed.
I am so grateful that the split second I was hit was not a split second later or I may not have been around to share this story. Stephen said it yesterday and it really hit me, "one second later and that truck would have hit you instead of shearing off the front of your car". It was then I realized how close to death I had been. One second stood between me being dead and me just looking for another car and hurting and being on edge. It was a reminder not to take those seconds for granted. Not to waste them trying to figure out the whys and the what if's but truly to just be in the moment and see the value each second holds. You can delight in the midst of adversity when you focus on the why's and what if's of God's word. Why would he choose a wretch like me? Why did Jesus leave his heavenly home to come to a broken, wrecked world to die for sins he never committed? What if all his promises are true and he is coming back? What if he truly does have a plan for my life and is regime me through these fires? What if I rest in him and cast all my cares on him? What if I wake up tomorrow and discover that my children are not only safe but are living a life that brings glory to God's kingdom. I will take being blindsided with trucks and death and heartache and I will use it for his glory. I will testify with my last breath that God is good! All the time he is good. The heartache of this world can not be compared to his glory and his goodness. Nothing can separate us from his love and his love conquers all. Take heart , Jesus has overcome this world and death has lost it's sting. In the blink of the eye you will be in his presence.

Deborah Pinnell

@watchmanjohn
John Knox @watchmanjohn ·

No words can do justice to this blog - Praying and standing with you along with all His faithful witnesses.

@blest
Beth M @blest ·

. I wanted to scream at the people around me asking me if I was ok "No! I am not ok my son died and I haven't been ok since, and I will never be ok again."

True, but no one comprehends that.

Nothing can separate us from his love and his love conquers all. Take heart , Jesus has overcome this world and death has lost it's sting. In the blink of the eye you will be in his presence.

Also true. And too many in this world don't understand that either. May it be soon.

Thank you, Father, for protecting her.

@bethy
·

Three years on and I still reel from the accident I had while my son was in the car. The fear of losing him was and still is worse than the memories of the accident. That fear I understand.

I am so thankful to God that you and your son walked away from the wreck. So thankful.
.j

@kreynolds
K Reynolds @kreynolds ·

You wrote:

"Life is a big, fast, devastating truck sometimes. It just hits you and breaks you and leaves you totaled. So what can you do? What should I do with all this brokenness? I have no other option than to press on. Push past the fear, the hurt, the pain, the uncertainty and trust in God to see me through. I need to remember that I am going to get hit and damaged along the road to my final destination. I am going to carry the trauma and grief with me everywhere I go, but I never go alone. Through these trials and tribulations I have a hope that can not be destroyed. A faith that can not be diminished and a God who never forsakes me. I am shaken but not destroyed. God is repairing all the damage and his word promises I will be renewed."

Wherever we go, whatever we face...we are not alone.

Blessings!

K :princess:

Do not include honorifics.

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