Deeper still-- short story Part one

Tired of running from you. I once sat on bended knee in tears and begged you to not leave me the same, that you would change me. That you would take these things from me and deliver me. I once asked you to bring healing to my heart deeper then I've ever known. I Once asked for your love to go deep and bring life to my wounded heart. Here I am once again, many years later asking the same thing again. I have come to another place where my heart is stuck and it doesn't want to move or be touched, or even look in your direction, but I know good and well that its you that my really needs, my heart has become so harden to you Jesus, I know that when you spoke to me I use to just do as you asked and not questions what you were asking me to do, but now I've started to question every thing. Right down to what are you doing with my life. I know that you have called me to my job and to my church and the ladies I live with, but why do I resist you so much. There's not much I haven't already given you, but I know that there is something that's holding me back. I just don't know what it is. Jesus, only you know... at this point, I have nothing else I can do, but come to you and ask for your help and for your fresh in-filling of my heart. Only you are able to bring my heart to the place it can engage you and not run from you. One moment I'm ok and then next I'm not and the last few months it been more on the I'm not so ok side...and yet I am, but I'm not. I know I'm missing something... and its you. I've been walking as a Christian, but not in Christ as a daughter of the King. Jesus, I keep you at arms length or rather I keep the Father the love that I don't know what do to with. What am I supposed to do with a love so real, so deep, so not of this world? I've only ran from you...that's what I've done. All the thing's I've attached myself to...make it very hard to believe in a God that really loves me and wants me and has good things for me. There have been so many ungodly things that I've let myself do, that its all kept me from really severing you Jesus. I've been running from you, I've been avoiding you at just about any coast and now the coast has become too high. I can not turn from you or walk away form you, or try and hide from you any longer, for I know your love and your wonderful grace. If I were to walk any further, I would detach myself from you and that I can't let happen at least knowingly. I can feel it in my spirit, mind and body. I can feel the weight of my sin that I have not let you take from me, cause I thought I should make myself suffer. But I can very much feel it in my body...but what is it that I've feeling? why can't put words to this...? I guess Lord the one thing I've not wanted to talk to you about is my weight and what I'm eating. You say that you love me just the way I am, Lord what is it going to take for me to truly believe that and trust that? Lord, please send your Holy Spirit to soften my heart. Help me to worship you...right now even. " There just something about that name, Jesus, Jesus,Jesus" Oh Let my heart engage you and turn the eye of my heart towards you Jesus. Jesus-- I'm so hungry for you , I'm thirsty for you, Jesus-- I long to know you, as my every thing. Draw me, call me, lead me unto you. Jesus your scaerfice is enough to cover my sin, your blood washes me clean and so I stand here before you now, as a new creation.

Do not include honorifics.

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