Looking up on the hill behind my house today I noticed that the colors of the trees had peaked. Most years the trees change very gradually over a period of a couple of weeks but this year it was almost over night. I sat and thought about how fast my life had changed also. After my wife of 37 years died of cancer my life was turned upside down. All, I mean all the things that interest me no longer interested me any more. I was an avid golfer, fisherman, hunter and runner. I still make myself run to stay in shape but the other things I hardly ever do any more.
I use to love going to church and sing and be with other Christians but now I have to make myself go. Before I could pray for an hour, today I justdon't seem to have much to say. I went ahead and went to Africa on a 2 week mission trip a couple months ago and all I did was tell people about Jesus. I had hoped that the trip would spark a new fire in me to serve the Lord but it didn't happen.
I use to check in here at CB most every day but now it is not very often. I use to enjoy reading what my favorite bloggers would write. B2Y was like my second pastor and when I had to work and couldn't go to church I could just read his blogs and felt like I'd been to church. I miss those days and dream of returning to those days but all they are is dreams. I still feel that Jesus is coming back soon and pray that I do not meet Him face to face in this state.
I continue to pray/cry out to God that He would draw me back. I just feel numb, blank. My wife meant so much to me. I miss her so much. Time has healed some of the sadness. I know she would not be happy with my life now. I have become a disappointment to her I'm sure.
Like the leaves change and fall to the ground so have I changed and fallen to the ground. I only hope that spring will come soon and like the leaves, I too will bud and grow again. To be close to theLord I know from experanceis the only place where I will find peace and contentment.