It will soon be 40 years ago that I asked Jesus to come into my life and forgive my many sins and save my sorry soul. For many years now I have loved the Lord Jesus and served Him to my very best. Then tragedy hit. Cancer took my wife of 37 years and I was devastated. I was a Christian long enough that if it happened to you I would have had all the answers to what you needed and how you could overcome such sadness and troubles. I would quote you all the verses that should have comforted yoursoul and dried up the tears you would have cried night after night. Yet here I am over 2 years later still in much sorrow but just not over my wife but the distance I am from God.
I still have the knowledge, I still have the Spirit, I still have the want to, to be close to God again. But He seems to be a million miles away. When I cry out... . I hear no answer. When I reach out... .. I feel no touch. When I read His Word... . It's like reading a novel not the Living Word. Something is very wrong with me and with all the years of training I find myself hopeless. I continue to read and pray and go to church, yet for nought.
Yes, I am desperate but not ready to give up yet. God who cannot lie said that He would never forsake me. I believe that. Although I am very untrustworthy I know He is forever true to His Word. I believe that. My hearts desire is to be close to Him. Maybe someday. Maybe someday soon. If you are waiting for me to write a blog that will inspire you... not today. Maybe tomorrow.
Gods silence and Gods apparent distance are Gods answers to you for in this time God is working deep into your heart his word that will blossom in Gods time into a robust faith that will equip you for a mighty work that God has planned for you - a great and deep ministry of deep calling to deep.
Hold onto your confession with confidence unwavering to the end. Lift up your heart and rejoice with praise and worship.
I pray that our Father will fill your heart and your mind with the assurance that this short time you and your wife are apart is but a drop in the bucket to the eternity you will spend together. I pray that He will fill your heart and your mind with purpose and that you will complete the task He has for you with joy in your heart.
Your brother in Christ,
My friend, as I read your blog, I thought about how I came to Christ around 46 years ago. You know much of my story over the past seven years so there is no need for me to go into all of that. As I write this, I am watching my son and daughter-in-law's marriage being ripped apart and my heart is breaking as it has never broken before.
God gave me a very brief glimpse of depression once, a few months before I got cancer. I remember awakening and feeling... nothing. I felt like I had been placed in a deep dark pit and everyone had left...including God. When I would read or hear the Word of God read out loud, tears would flow down my face but that otherwise there was nothing whatsoever. Nothing and I wondered if I was going to have to face this for the rest of my natural life. I remember asking God, "Why have you allowed me to be put into this pit? You said you would always be here but where are you? Must I stay here for the rest of my life?"
There was no answer.
What was I going to do? It seemed to me that I had to make a choice. Was I going to trust Him regardless of what I did not see, hear or feel... or not? It is one thing to have faith when we see God move but what about when we cannot see His face or even His hand? What about when we cannot hear His voice? This is the fire from which true faith emerges or is strengthened.
I would like to say that in that very moment that I cried out that even if God kept me in this "pit" for days, months, years or even a lifetime, I would cling to Him no matter, I was instantly delivered but I wasn't. That didn't matter. It was not about what I saw, heard or felt. It was about whether or not I said I believed God... or if I really did. Would I stand upon His promises, His Word, even if I was in a "cold, dark and lonely pit" where no one could reach me? That was the question I had to answer and when I did, I was still in that place.
I say that God only gave me the briefest of glimpses into that place because I know that there are people who have been there for weeks, months and even years. I have no wish to trivialize what anyone is experiencing when I say that the next morning, when I awakened, I discovered that God had delivered me from that dark pit and a rush of emotions burst forth as I joyfully burst out into song startling my family at that early hour of the morning. I believe for reasons only God fully understands that He wanted to give me a glimpse of that pit and I have never forgotten it.
Alight, your world has been completely shattered over the past few years. Those of us here who are long time members and are acquainted with you know that. Sometimes wounds are instantly healed but sometimes they must go through the healing process and even then, there maybe scars left behind as reminders. Also, we can attempt to bury or cover up our grief but it is still there beneath the surface like a closed wound that is bleeding internally. Until we expose it and open it up, healing cannot take place. Writing this blog is an important first step in that process.
Joining a grief recovery group such as [link=www.griefshare.org/]Grief Share[/link] maybe helpful. It looks like there is not group meeting right in your town but I checked and there is one less than 20 miles away and another one just a bit further. You might want to check out them out. Their website also has some resources that may help you as well. Check it out.
Ya know,you think this blog doors not inspire,but in truth the fact that you grieve yet still take time to write is an inspiration in itself.
Two years is really no time at all, no time at all.