How well I remember that day the spring of 2008. I was undergoing aggressive chemotherapy and had hobbled into church. I was a sight! A pink baseball cap with the words Chick Night and a pink rhinestone princess pin (see my avatar) didn't exactly hide the fact that I was bald. I was thankful that I went to a church where jeans are the norm rather than the exception for I do not know how comfortable I would have been in a more formal setting. I doubt that I would even have gone, to tell you the truth. Oh, I am not saying people would not have been kind and welcomed me but still... it would have made me stand out even more. I didn't need that.
Anyway, I was a sight! In addition to my hair being gone (including the very fine facial hair which softens everyone's face), I had thinning eyelashes and eyebrows. I looked like a raccoon due to the very dark circles around my eyes and my skin was a funny color and I was completely exhausted all of the time. I was also struggling psychologically for I knew what would be hitting me in a few hours as I felt the full effects of chemo. I was falling into the chemo pit and would hit bottom soon. I would eventually crawl out about five days later, get about four days of rest, start to feel normal for two or three days and then get shoved back into the pit. That was my life from February 29-June 6, 2008. Chemo, church and CB.
I remember that day at church. I couldn't even stand up to sing for a single song. I was too tired and too sick. As people were singing praises to God, I suddenly felt like God came up along side me. I cringed hoping He'd just move on past me. Oh, it was not that I didn't want Him! I just felt so embarrassed coming into His presence in my condition. I really did have the urge to try to hide.
Oh, I am crying even now as I remember His gentle touch and voice. He asked me what I was "doing" and I told Him I didn't want Him to look at me. He asked me why. As the music continued at church, I responded to Him that I didn't want Him to look at how ugly I was. That is when He told me that I was beautiful...and you are beautiful to Him as well for you belong to Him!
There is a lovely song by Mark Schultz called Broken and Beautiful
. The next time the enemy tells you that you are ugly and worthless, remember you are precious and beautiful in His sight and isn't He the only one who matters?