I started to feel really crabby this morning right before my chemo treatment. I'd felt fine earlier. I'd even cracked some bad jokes which is according to my usual custom.
The first step down the road to crabbiness was that my oncologist was out. I had known this in advance. I'm sure this new young oncologist is wonderful in his own right but he wasn't my oncologist. That might not sound like a big deal but it is very important for cancer patients to select an oncologist they feel they can bond with. Our first appointment is actually more like an interview. I'd never spent so much time just talking to a doctor in my life. So having another oncologist step in is like having a substitute teacher in school. It just doesn't feel quite right.
Of course, he did things a bit differently. That's only natural. However, there was one thing I had an issue with. My oncologist has blood work done when I first come in. That way, the results are available by the time our appointment is over and he can send down the orders for my chemo meds right away. This oncologist doesn't do the blood work until after he sees the patient. This delayed my chemo starting by nearly an hour. It takes five hours for this chemo treatment so the knowledge of this extra hour being added on started me down the road of crabbiness.
Once crabbiness took root in my heart, all sorts of little things started to happen. The DVD my husband brought for me to watch was missing from the case. The room was way too cold and the heated blankets they brought just didn't seem to be warm enough. If I had the recliner up, my calves started to ache. If I had the recliner down, my feet wouldn't touch the ground. I can't concentrate on my book. I had the same problem when I went online. I couldn't get comfortable or... the minute I got comfortable, I had to unplug my IV and head for the bathroom because of all the fluids that were being pumped into me. "No, I don't want another pillow. I'm fine! Arghh!
I suddenly hung my head in shame. I was being pretty crabby. A lot of it was kept in my head but some of the words were starting to spill out. That wasn't fair. Everyone was doing their best to help me. Yes, I had an icky drug being pumped into me through my chest. Yes, I might be facing some serious pain by Sunday. Yes, I was cold and uncomfortable but does that really give me the right to be crabby? I mumbled an apology. "I'm sorry I'm being so crabby." Everyone said it was okay. They understood. The problem is it wasn't okay with God.
I could live like a crabby old woman and lash out against people who cared about me or... I could live like a princess of God and bring laughter and joy to everyone who entered my room. I closed my eyes and everyone felt relieved. Perhaps I would actually go to sleep until it was all over. I wasn't sleeping at first, however. I was praying. I laid my crabbiness at the feet of Jesus and reached out my hands to receive joy from him. Then I fell asleep for about 20 minutes or so.
When I awakened, drugs were still pumping into my chest. I was still uncomfortable and the room was still cold. Of course, I had to get untangled so I could use the facilities again. My husband had picked up some lunch for me and also brought me a large chocolate chip cookie. Hmmm... chocolate stuff is nice.:wink:
The crabbiness had fled because I chose to receive the joy of the Lord instead. It is impossible for crabbiness to remain in the presence of joy. It just cannot be done!
Far too often, we attribute our free-will to salvation only. That's a mistake. Every single day, we get to make choices. That's a part of having freedom in Christ. Remember... as a child of God you do have a choice as to how you are going to live. The enemy may try to make you think you do not; but he is the father of lies. God however will only speak truth. How are you going to choose to live?
But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master. Romans 6:22-23 (The Message)