It has started once again, the all too familiar surges of adrenaline which I first began to experience after my second chemo infusion. In my case I become hyper and start to pace about, talk louder than normal, laugh louder and pace about as I fight the urge to run. At first they occurred in the morning before I had a chemo fusion but quickly they moved to the day before and now have seemed to occur two days before. Truthfully, the mental stuff starts to occur earlier but the physical sets in about two days before.
The common sense side of me tries to argue that I have nothing to fear. There will be no blood work or tests. I will not follow my oncologist down the hall way to the infusion area. I will not have powerful drugs dripping into me for hours and I will not gulp down additional anti-nausea drugs before getting into my car. I have no reason to experience any sort of anxiety at all. No reason whatsoever and yet... after the beating my body took in 2008, it is not about to drop it's defense mechanisms. In short, my body has no faith in the common sense portion of my mind. It is going to be prepared, just in case!
Those who have never had their body's defense system systematically broken down over and over again might have a hard time understanding why on earth this would be an issue 16 months later. To tell you the truth, I am very glad you do NOT fully understand it and I hope you never will!
There is One, however, who understands it all too well. He does NOT tell me there is no reason to be anxious. He does NOT tell me to be strong nor does He get impatient with me. He does not despise me for my weakness but remembers that I am but dust and loves me anyway. He hears my every cry and ever so gently wraps His arms around me, letting me know that He is right beside me every step of the way, now and forevermore!
Dear K--Post-traumatic stress is not something reserved to those of us who have been in wars. Whatever your body and nervous system defines as traumatic is traumatic. There is no need to apologize for it. Having your immune system knocked out of whack and knowing it is out of whack is plenty of reason to experience PTS. Let's pray again.
Lord God, I ask that Your Spirit will invade K's heart, soul, mind and spirit with Your mercy, grace, peace and love. Hug her up close and remind her that You are there with her when she walks into that building which has both good and bad memories for her. The good is that the chemo put her cancer into remission. The bad is that remission came with a very tormenting price in terms of nausea, weakness, fatigue and a general malaise. Help K focus on the good and put the bad out of her mind. In Jesus' name and to Your glory. Amen and amen.
K, try to focus on the feelings you had last night in the chat room. ;) With prayers, and with agape and phileo--Ron.