The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Psalm 103:13-14 NLT
I really felt like dust this week. I had a chemo treatment on Friday, May 9 and the following Monday it hit me pretty hard. I had bounced back much quicker the last time I had Taxol and discouragement was really hitting me pretty hard.
In addition to the shooting leg pains and extreme tenderness in the soles of my feet and my fingertips, my husband's step-mother passed away on Monday. We couldn't make the trip to Indiana and while my father-in-law explicitly told us not to come, we still felt like we weren't there for him. A former professor of my son's whom he thought a lot of also passed away due to bladder cancer. She had been diagnosed a little over a year ago. A few weeks earlier, my husband learned a co-worker's house went into foreclosure on the very day his wife died of cancer. She had been battling cancer for a number of years and had gone into hospice a few weeks earlier. The years of illness and the resulting financial crunch had taken their toll.
All of these thoughts and feelings were flooding my mind as my body was trying to recover from chemo. Add lack of sleep to that mixture and you're probably going to feel pretty weak.
Thursday was probably one of my hardest days yet. I only have three more weeks before chemo is done but it seemed like it would never end. Fears about permanent side-effects came and knocked at my door. That happens when you're feeling weak. The bullies start coming around you because you're vulnerable.
They seem to really love to attack at night. You're tired, you're afraid, you're in pain, you're vulnerable and you feel discouraged. The very last thing the enemy wants you to do is cry out to God.
"God is ashamed of you." they whisper maliciously. "God is punishing you. Others suffer far worse than what you do and they do it without murmuring or complaining. If you had enough faith, this would not be happening to you right now. If God really loved you, this wouldn't be happening right now. You're disgusting to him!"
No! Do not listen to the lies of our adversary or hold conversations with him! Cry out to God and only listen for his voice!
1 O Lord, don't rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage.
Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?
Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love.
For the dead do not remember you. Who can praise you from the grave?
I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.
My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.
Psalm 6:1-7 NLT
Psalm 103 reminds me that God is compassionate, merciful and filled with unending love. Although I deserve punishment for my sins, he does not give me what I deserve because I have cried out in repentance to him and received his forgiveness.
He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Psalm 103:10-12 NLT
God loves me like a father and is tender and compassionate toward me. He never forgets that I am weak and fragile. He never forgets that I am made from dust. In other words, God knows exactly what he is working with. While he has expectations of me, they are realistic expectations. While a true father knows he has a responsibility to teach his children, he never forgets they are still children and they are still learning.
The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Psalm 103:13-14 NLT
I cry out to God. I call upon others in the Body of Christ to help me hold up my arms to God. The battle cry is sounded as they rush to my side. The voices of the enemy are silenced as they scatter in fear before the Army of the Lord!
Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.
He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's!
Psalm 103:1-5 NLT
Blessed be the name of the Lord God Almighty!
Reading your post fills my heart with compassion and my eyes with tears. Please accept a long distance gentle hug from the Christ in me to you.
You are not alone in this battle. I know many of us pray for you daily and know when you are having intense struggles. I really love that about the community here on this site.
I think what you did on this post was one of the greatest things you can do which is to keep confessing what the Word has to say. When times get really tough, there is nothing else to draw strength from besides the love and truth of God found in His Son and His Word and of course the support of other believers.
Just wanted you to know that I was praying for you and sending you all the love of Christ in my heart.
Blessings 2 You
I agree with B2Y. Every time I read your blogs they make me think how pleased God must be with you! K you are such an inspiration to me...but not only to me to us! Your faith amazes me on how you can go through so much pain and still praise God through it like nothing at all. Have you ever heard the phrase [i]actions speak louder than words?[/i] Well K your life speaks truth to me and it convicts me. If I were in your situation....I would want to throw in the towel, but then I look at you and I get so inspired and moved. You are a huge blessing to us at C/B. and I want to let you know that:)
Your family here is with you to help you scream the battle cry against the enemy! We stand fast against the accuser who can whisper nothing but lies.
If I could take your place through all this, my sister, I would. Know that in your heart.
You are being lifted up on the mountaintop.