With each passing day, I become more aware of my frailities and limitations. I could try to claim that I'm strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, etc. to easily encounter and subdue anything this life throws at me. However, to do so would not only be pure arrogance, it would be a bald-faced lie.
The truth is, I am not brave and I am not strong. Every instinct in me wants to run and hide in the face of adversity. I drove myself to chemo last Friday a week ago. My mom drove me home as I'm not to be trusted driving after some of those meds they stick in me. I'm amazed that I even made it to chemo. Everything in me screamed "Run!" I actually trembled a bit as I fought against the urge to turn my vehicle around, hit the accelerator as hard as I could and never come back. I am definitely not brave!
The other night, in that state half-way between awake and asleep, my hand happened to fall across the right side of my chest. Instantly I was wide awake, in tears and half-screaming for my husband. I felt as if my heart had frozen because I had felt a lump. For an instant, I was a quivering mess until I realized that lump under on my chest was actually my port. It was supposed to be there and it definitely was not a tumor! I should have known that but I have a tendancy to let my imagination and fears race ahead me instead of calmly assessing a situation. You would think I'd learn from past experiences but I'm not the brightest bulb in the universe!
The bottom line is...I need a savior. I'm not good enough, brave enough, strong enough...whatever enough to save myself. It just won't work. Thankfully, God is. He saw me from the beginning. He knew me for who I was...yet he didn't turn away from me. He saw the pitiful state I was in and the pit I was trapped in. He saw my fears and weaknesses. He saw all of my corruption and my inability to clean myself up.
He saw me trying to hide from him in my shame.
The God of Glory reached his hand down toward me. "I'm not..." the words died on my tongue. God smiled and said "I am." The moment I began to reach my trembling hand toward him, he grabbed me!
I am not brave enough, strong enough, good enough, big enough, etc. However, I don't have to be. God is and I am in his hands. I need a savior.