In Spite Of Myself

Patsy Clairmont wrote a book entitled "God Uses Cracked Pots". I'm so glad He does for you see, that is exactly what I am. I always have been a "cracked pot" but over the past few years my cracks have become, shall we say, a bit deeper and a bit more obvious?

One of my favorite personal "cracked pot" stories, took place on a Sunday morning in the spring of 2008. I was going through chemotherapy at the time and physically, I was a mess. I had chemo infusions every other Friday. Now most people are unaware of the fact that generally it takes a few days for a person to actually feel the effects of chemo. With modern drugs to control nausea, you generally feel rather good during chemo infusions. Personally, I would eat a hearty breakfast before chemo (so I wouldn't have an empty stomach) and during the infusions I would go online, watch Anita Renfroe DVD's which would bring the nurses running because I was laughing so hard. Then they would try to hang out in my room as long as possible so they could watch them too. :mrgreen:

Then my husband would head out to get me some lunch complete with dessert of course (chocolate is good when one is having chemo) and then we'd go home about 4:00 p.m. as my chemo generally took all day. I'd feel fine on Saturday but around noon on Sunday, it would suddenly hit. I got a double-whammy when it did because in addition to having a reaction to the chemo, I unfortunately was one of the few who also had a reaction to a drug which I took 24 hours after chemo which is called Neulasta. The job of Neulasta is to stimulate white blood cell growth which was very important as many of my white blood cells had just been annihilated by chemo. Unfortunately, it can cause bone marrow pain in some people. Trust me. If you have never had experienced bone marrow pain, you're not missing anything. There is nothing like it and there is no way to relieve it either. This meant the side-effects of chemo plus bone marrow pain hit me at the exact same time. OUCH!

I uh... well... I decided that church was the best place for me to be just prior to getting hit with this so, that's where I would go. I would usually start feeling the effects as I was heading out the door or shortly after I would return home.

One Sunday morning, I was sitting in church during worship. I was unable to stand for very long at that time. I could maybe stand for one song but tired quickly. I was sitting there singing when suddenly, I became very aware of the presence of God. At the same time, I envisioned what God saw when He looked at me... and it was not a pretty sight. I was a dumpy middle-aged woman in old comfy jeans and an over-sized tee shirt. I had no hair on my head, thin eyebrows and four eyelashes on each eye... two on top and two on the bottom. I was wearing a pink baseball cap with the words Chick Night emblazoned on it and a pink rhinestone princess pin (see my avatar) pinned to it. Oh, and I sort of had this grayish-green complexion. Lovely.

I winced and tried to scrunch down as I felt God's "eye" upon me. GASP! He might see me! I covered my face with my hands and tried to "blend into the crowd". Do you know how hard it is to blend in when you're a chemo patient? I started to cry but... oh yuck! Chemo has messed up the chemical composition of my tears so they felt like great big slicks of oil running down my face. Of course, that made me cry harder. Sigh... I was one cracked pot!

God is very persistent you know. The moment you attempt to hide from Him, you find He is "standing" right next to you asking questions to which He already knows the answer. He asked me why I was trying to hide from Him. Sigh. Have you ever noticed that when God asks you a question you can't refuse to answer it? You can't say, "I'll get back to you later." or "Let me think about it for a bit." No, when God asks a question, He demands an honest answer and He will not put up with any games from you. Sigh...

I blurted out the truth of the matter. I didn't want Him to "look" at me. Why not? That took me aback for a moment before I started blubbering about what a mess I was. Patiently, He waited for me to finish before He told me what He saw. I was His beautiful and precious :princess:. I tried to protest but in an instant He let me know that this battered and broken body was not me. It was just the package I was wrapped up inside at the moment. God didn't see that... He saw me!

No, I was by no means perfect but I was His very own little princess and He loved me regardless. If I would place myself in His hands, He would make me more and more beautiful with each passing day. Would I?

I am so glad that God does not throw away "cracked pots". Instead He molds them, melts them and transforms them into beautiful vessels fit for His use. I am glad that God loves... cracked pots.


K :princess:

Alison Stewart @kiwibird ·

[quote]I am so glad that God does not throw away "cracked pots". Instead He molds them, melts them and transforms them into beautiful vessels fit for His use. I am glad that God loves... cracked pots.[/quote]

You and me, both!


Billy Beard @billyb ·

I am not much of a pot either, sister. He is in the fixing business though. Enjoyed. God Bless.