I'm going to wear a cap today when I go to Race For The Cure. Other than a winter cap, it is going to be the first time I've worn a cap since September 30, 2008. Last year, I wore a cap or some sort of head covering for over six months...ever since the day I had my son shave my head back in March 2007.
Yes, I know the loss of hair probably bothers most men but loss of hair in men is not unusual. It happens. Although it can be due to illness, it's usually that male pattern baldness thing. My son has thanked me for passing on that gene to him on more than one occasion. What can I say. It wasn't on purpose.
While it is not unusual for women to have some thinning of their hair as they get older, baldness generally does not occur unless it is related to illness...or drugs as in my case. Contrary to popular belief, not all chemo drugs cause hair-loss. Two of the drugs I was given, adriamycin and cytoxan, do however. The purpose of chemotherapy is to kill fast growing cancer cells. Unfortunately, chemo drugs cannot differentiate between normal and abnormal cells so it attacks all fast-growing cells in the human body such as cells in your mouth, the lining of your stomach, fingernails, toenails, skin and of course hair. Not just the hair on your head either. Believe me, after hair-loss from chemo you learn that God had a reason for giving you nose hair...I'd never thought about it before but just trust me on that one. You want it, you really do. Eye drops, saline nasal spray, steamy showers to soothe irritated nasal passages...it's no fun.
Yes, I agree that most men probably do not enjoy losing their hair but I believe it is even more traumatic for a woman to do so. Many women refuse to look at themselves in the mirror unless they are wearing a wig. I forced myself to do it immediately and I shut myself in the upstairs bathroom to do it...away from everyone else. I remember my husband slipping in as he knew I would be crying. Then he did what he always has done; gathered me in his arms and let me cry my heart out. He let me know I was loved.
I remember going to church the first time. I wore my wig (which I hated) that morning but wore a pink baseball cap (my princess one) to the women's meeting that night. I wanted to run. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I didn't want anyone to see me but I had to do it this way. God wanted me to be vulnerable and this was one of the things He wanted me to do. How I cried before I slipped out of my van but at the end of the road, women surrounded me and embraced me. They let me know I was loved.
I vividly remember how I would encounter the presence of God and I would want to bolt. I didn't want Him to see me. I really didn't. Broken, bruised, sick and disfigured and I wanted to scream "Don't look at me God!" In the privacy of my bedroom, I would sometimes do exactly that.
And God, being God would patiently and gently pull the "blanket" off my head and loosen my fingers from my face and look at me with eyes full of love. He let me know that I was precious in His sight...and He loved me. If my husband and others here in this world love me, how much more must the God who created me love me? I know that He loves me not because someone told me He did. Pardon me but I know that He loves me not because I read it in His Word. I know that He loves me simply because He has revealed His love to me. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10
God let me know that I was loved and He has let you know you are loved as well. Yes, Jesus loves...even me and He loves even you...dare to believe it!
Jesus Loves Even Me
By Phillip Bliss
I am so glad that our Father in Heav'n
Tells of His love in the Book He has giv'n;
Wonderful things in the Bible I see,
This is the dearest, that Jesus loves me.
I am so glad that Jesus loves me,
Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me.
I am so glad that Jesus loves me,
Jesus loves even me.
Though I forget Him, and wander away,
Still He doth love me wherever I stray;
Back to His dear loving arms I do flee,
When I remember that Jesus loves me.
Oh, if there's only one song I can sing,
When in His beauty I see the great King,
This shall my song through eternity be,
"Oh, what a wonder that Jesus loves me!"
Jesus loves me, and I know I love Him;
Love brought Him down my poor soul to redeem;
Yes, it was love made Him die on the tree;
Oh, I am certain that Jesus loves me!
If one should ask of me, how can I tell?
Glory to Jesus, I know very well!
God's Holy Spirit with mine doth agree,
Constantly witnessing Jesus loves me.
In this assurance I find sweetest rest,
Trusting in Jesus, I know I am blessed;
Satan, dismayed, from my soul now doth flee,
When I just tell him that Jesus loves me.
What a wonderful and profound blog! Thank you for baring your soul and not being afraid to share all your heart. Although most of us will never encounter the battles you have had to endure with cancer; I believe all of us are much more acquainted with such battles due to you sharing your experiences with us. Thank you.
Yes, Jesus loves us and if we would just honestly believe it oh how wonderful life would be. In spite of all that is going on with us and around us; if we know and believe that the love of God will sustain us--it does.
Have a good race and may you proudly wear you cap as a crown of victory.