It started out as a normal day. Usually that's the way it is at the beginning of the day that your world seems to collapse around you.
My husband got up and headed off to work. I did a few things around the house and noted that he had forgotten his lunch. I decided to finish up my Christmas cards which I should have gotten out earlier in the week. Oh well.
I finished them up and prepared to head off to the post office. Before leaving, I hesitated for a moment. Did my husband tell me he was working late on a project tonight or would he be home as usual? I couldn't remember so I called him. I powered on the phone and stopped. Normally, I call his cell phone but today, I called the direct line to his office.
I wasn't surprised to get voice mail but instead of hearing his voice... I heard the recording of a strange voice. Had I dialed a wrong number? Then my heart froze as the voice said my husband's name and then said he no longer worked there.
I was stunned and then grasping at straws, I remembered that the voice mail system occasionally had issues over the years. That was it. After all, this was the middle of the school year. He had worked there since he was 24 years old. There was just some sort of glitch with the system and it was saying this on all the voicemail boxes and they would get the system repaired soon.
I dialed my husband's cell phone number and got him right away. Whew! I asked him the question on my mind but without letting him answer, I blurted out, "You know, the strangest thing just happened to me when I tried to call your office..."
It wasn't a mistake...
I found out where my husband was and quickly raced over to meet him. I walked into the room where he was sitting. He stood up and in a choking voice, started to blurt out that he had failed me but I refused to listen to such nonsense and angrily declared that he had NEVER failed me!
We stood together clinging to one another for awhile... the two of us separate and yet one.
On January 4, 2011, I abruptly lost my job due to health issues. We faced a mountain of debt with the potential loss of 60% of our income. God has provided for us and has kept us afloat. Now, nearly two years later, after we have sliced, diced and reduced we were about to get back on our feet on January 15th. Then we got this news and our monthly income is about to be reduced by more than 50%. Ironically the last check my husband will receive will be on January 4, 2013. At least... that is how it looks through human eyes.
To an outsider looking in at our lives, they might assume that something is horribly wrong with my husband and I. Over the past five years we have dealt with cancer, a ruptured brain aneurysm and a stroke, and a denied short-term disability claim only to be put on long term-disability a year later. Now, we have had yet another blow. We all have those times when we feel a bit like Job, don't we.
On Thursday morning, the day before this happened, we had a gift exchange in a small group I attend. I got a CD and that CD contains this song which I have been listening to all day long:
There have been big stretches of time over the past four days when I have felt peaceful and even full of joy and anticipation over what God might do with us next. I wish I could say all the time but I can't. I can only say most of the time.
However, while today started on that note, the enormity and uncertainty of it all caught up with me. I've been alone most of the day and will be until later tonight as my husband works on a project for a friend who though she hopes she can pay him, probably will end up not being able to do so.
After fighting against all day, I finally succumbed to tears a few hours ago, sobbing in the arms of God. Tears are important. Otherwise God would not have given them to us. Too often we repress them when we need to express them so... I did.
While I cannot possibly compare my experiences to that of Job, I think Job had his tearful moments as well. I am glad that God understands tears and that He remembers that we are frail and fragile dust creatures.
At the moment, I am peering through the darkness of this newest storm which has just blown up around me. It is hard to see and the wind is really roaring and the waves are pretty high. However... I KNOW who is Lord over the storm and I know that He can see and hear me even when I may not be able to see and hear Him.
However, I can you know. For in all honesty, I must admit that since Friday I have caught glimpses of Him many times. He's right beside me in the storm and I must remember that even the wind and waves must obey Him.
Though our "world" may be smashed to dust, God makes amazing and beautiful things from dust. And so I am waiting