This has been a very long week. Last Monday morning, I got the test results back on a routine mammogram and by Thursday I learned that it is highly unlikely that the type of tumor I have is not cancer. It's not impossible, of course. That's the case sometimes but it's rare enough that no one wanted to raise my hopes.
As I wrote earlier, God has been surrounding me with incredible people; many of whom were brought into my life within this past year. That is evidence enough that God foresaw this moment in time and he won't leave me hanging. Verses from the Word have been ever present in my mind. Every morning when I've awakened, Chris Tomlin's rendition of "How Can I Keep From Singing?" is running through my mind. What a joy it is to wake up with music giving honor and glory to our God playing in your head. That tells me where my thoughts have been. No wonder I've been waking up refreshed and ready to face the day! In addition, I've been feeling the prayers of all the many people who have been praying for me.
When you know that God is our healer, when you know that he is our very help in times of trouble, when you know that you are in his hands and nothing can tear you from him, you would think that life would be a piece of cake. Unfortunately, it's not. No one ever said it would be easy. We live in a fallen world and as Adam's seed we're subjected to certain things such as physical and emotional pain, sickness and even death. That's just the way it is whether we like it or not.
Late last night, after a great day, I was driving home alone after attending a concert my husband was running sound for. He'd had to be there pretty early and would have to stay late so we took two vehicles. After telling my son and his girlfriend (who also attended the concert) goodbye, I started for home. Everything was great. I was singing at the top of my lungs, full of thankfulness for the great day I'd had. Then...wham! I was caught completely off guard and burst into tears.
I sobbed and screamed in agony at God. The questions came spilling out. All this was happening as I was zooming down the freeway through city traffic. There was silence as I struggled within myself. I wiped away my tears and listened. There wasn't an earthquake, a voice from heaven or anything else that would catch the attention of anyone except me. I had the sudden realization that Jesus Christ, Immanuel (God with us) was crying along with me. The outcome wasn't important. At this moment, God was crying along with me. He knew and understood my pain, sadness and fear.
When life is difficult, words only help so much. The most comforting thing of all is to be tightly held by someone as you shed tears together. I was being held by and shedding tears with Immanuel. The same is true for all of us.
I really do like this looking back feature and I'm glad we have it. For some, it may not be such a big deal, but for me it is a road map of where I've been this past year and stands as a reminder that God is truly bigger than anything else we might encounter. It reminds me of his unfailing love and grace.
This blog reminds me that it is okay to cry and it is okay to feel fear. We're not letting God down when we do. We don't have to be strong all of the time, because He is! Immanuel doesn't just mean "God with us" in the physical sense, it means that God is literally with us, now and for all eternity.
My official diagnosis would not come until six days after this was written. It was not what I had hoped for but I have found God has been on this road every step of the way. Would I really rather be anywhere else than at His side?
At Bible study yesterday, we were reading and praying and discussing Psalm 56, that God records our tears on His scroll.
We shared how meaningful it is to us that God records and keeps all of our tears. They are precious to him, the tears and pain of His princess. And one day, you will sit in His lap and He himself will wipe every tear from your eye.
And mine too. Maybe I can be in line behind you!
PrincessK, I am moved reading both last year's entry and today's. And I loved the verse in the psalm gracie shared about the "tears in the bottle". How awesome is that? That David, wow, he sure did have a way of seeing things that makes me grateful to have his writings some 1500-2000 years later, huh? Thanks for this. It seems you always know exactly what I'm going to need to read ... lol. In His love, darling girl, Otherprincess
[i]*8/18/11--This blog is now part of a series entitled [internallink=http://www.christianblog.com/series/view.php?id=f7d9d7d6db47f71d2bd4ef4cdecbe853]Walking With God In The Midst of Cancer[/internallink][/i]
oh... your words are so touching, poignant and point the reader to the One who loves them the most. I am going to take time read through your blog series. kreynolds, you write very well. Your words paint vivid pictures that engage the emotions. God bless.
I think I needed an advanced warning of this one. I thought this was new and you hadn't told me about it! Looking back over the past seven years though, it has been clear that it is God that has sustained you and your family in times of difficulty; has blessed you in times of peace. Thank God for his faithfulness. TT
I realized after making this a sponsored blog, I probably should say once again that this blog was written on December 9, 2007. For anyone reading this who does not know my story, I learned I had a tumor on December 3, 2007. I learned about it in probably one of the worst possible ways. I'd had a routine mammogram the day before Thanksgiving. That mammogram revealed a spiculated mass (which almost always means cancer...aggressive cancer) but for some unknown reason, I was not contacted. It may have had something to do with the holiday being in there, both my husband and I being in and out the following week and someone not wanting to leave a message like that or who knows what but the bottom line was, there were no messages left, nothing on the caller ID, nothing that indicated I was ever called and yes as a result of my experience, their procedure was reviewed and safeguards set in place to try to prevent this from happening again.
So, how did I learn? Sigh... I found out about it online when I got an email that a test result was available to be viewed. That email wasn't supposed to have been sent either. That's right. No one should ever learn they might have cancer without at least having a friendly, compassionate voice on the other end of the line. No one. In my case, I found out when I was home alone staring at a computer screen. Not good.
One thing I did not mention in this blog was God shortly revealed to me that not only did I have cancer, I would have to go through both chemo and radiation and in my case, it would be rough. I was to remember though, that He was with me no matter what happened. He was and I have been living with "NED" (No Evidence of Disease for over eight years now.