On February 9, 2007, I awakened to the sense that something was terribly wrong. I had been battling a bad cold, had a great deal of stress at work and hadn’t been sleeping well. I’d gone to bed the night before relieved that it would be Friday, the next week would be short due to school conferences and the following Monday would be a holiday. It had been a very difficult school year and I would be glad when it was over.
I sat up in bed abruptly, trying to figure out what was going on. I felt...nothing.
It was as if all emotion had been stripped away from me and the person left behind was a stranger. It was as if I was watching someone else awaken my husband and flatly say,
"Something is wrong. I feel nothing."
There are people who seldom publicly display their emotions. They always seem to be in control of them. They can view the world with a clinical eye. I am not one of those people.
I didn’t go to work that day. I went to the doctor who discovered my blood pressure, which has always been normal was dangerously high. I was sent off with some meds and instructions to come back on Monday. My husband was told to bring me in immediately if the symptoms intensified at all.
On the way home, my husband took my hand. I looked at him and evenly said, "I feel nothing. I want you to know it is me, not you but I feel nothing. Will I ever feel again?"
Meanwhile "I" was pleading with God asking Him if I was going to have to stay in this pit for the rest of my life? There was no answer.
At home, people called and prayed for me. Nothing. My mom called and began reading from the Word out loud. As she read, tears would begin to flow but the moment she stopped, the tears stopped.
Once again I asked God if I had to stay here for a lifetime. This time, I got a response.
"What if you do?
That was not the response I expected.
"Then I will stay here until you come and rescue me." All I could do was cling to Him!
On Feburary 10th I awakened and was as a dead woman come to life. Oh what joy and thankfulness flowed over me. The darkness had lifted!
On Monday, my doctor was amazed. This was not the same woman she’d seen last Friday. She thought I’d be fine but only time would tell.
When I went home, I was pretty thoughtful. What if this happened again? What if this were only the beginning? Nervously I went back to work the next day.
That evening, my husband told me he was going to take me out for dinner on Valentine’s Day which was in two days. I started to shake my head. I just wasn’t up to it. Then I caught the look on his face. He’d been through so much and the uncertainty bothered him as much as it bothered me. Inwardly I sighed. God would just have to carry me through.
That morning, I stepped into the kitchen and saw... a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a very soft looking, dark brown teddy bear sitting beside them. I looked around but my husband had already left for work. I reached out and picked up the teddy bear. I cuddled it close to me, rubbed my cheek against it’s soft fur and the tears began to flow. What looked like a simple teddy bear was a poignant reminder to me that I was loved... not matter what.
During dark and painful chemo moments, I would sometimes reach out into the darkness looking for that teddy bear which now resides on my night stand. I couldn’t see it, but I knew it was there. In those moments of pain, I would clutch it tightly, feeling the soft brown fur, I would rub my cheek against it and remember... I am a loved.