With everything going on in my life right now, I've had a tendency to get pretty reflective. Last December when I read the words "spiculating mass" pertaining to me not someone else and within moments learned that 85% + of spiculating masses are malignant, the world I thought I knew came crashing down around me. It had been an ordinary morning filled with ordinary things. I was following my daily routine and decided to check some messages I hadn't checked because we had been gone most of the weekend. Whoosh! Without warning, my life changed forever.
While I was caught off guard, God was not. While I didn't realize it, multiple moments of my life had been laying the groundwork for this particular moment. Looking back, I can see God's preparation for me to live in this moment. I say moment because while it may seem like an eternity to me, in actuality it is but one brief moment in the overall scheme of things. When you go through a dark and difficult time, it seems like it will never end. However, when you look back at it years later, it doesn't ever seem to have been as long as it felt like at the time. That's because you're looking at it from the opposite end. It is no longer looming in front of you, filled with uncertainty.
In that moment, things came to a screeching halt. The first thought that went through my head is "I'm going to die." Duh... This really should not have taken me by surprise as this has happened to nearly 100% of humanity save Enoch and Elijah and will continue to happen until God says it's time to wrap things up. However, like most people, I didn't pay much attention to this little detail until it hit me over the head one morning
My next reaction was to stop everything. Stop dreaming, stop fighting, stop living...just stop. After all, life was over wasn't it? Or was it? I stopped for a moment and took inventory.
Hmmm...everything around me looked the same. I wasn't lying on the floor. I wasn't gasping for breath. I could move. Yes, I, like everyone else, was going to die...sometime but at this moment, I was very much alive!
That's when I decided that I needed to focus on living in the moment. I have moments when I'm sick and my body is racked with pain, but in this moment it is not. My hair is falling out in this moment but loving arms of friends and strangers are embracing me. Their love is stronger than the pain of losing my hair and the discomfort I face. There are moments when I want to cry and scream but in this moment God is holding me and saying "It's okay to cry and I understand your fears. It's okay to cry in my arms...I'm big enough to hold you indefinitely." In this moment, my body is tired but I can feel myself leaping after my savior who will give me "hinds feet in high places." In this moment God is taking me to places I never dreamed I would be and he is calling me to truly pursue him with my whole heart.
I would never suggest that we should not dream. It is important to have dreams. However, we need to remember this is the moment we're living in...and make the most of it.
Amen sister. We only have one chance to live each moment and then it is gone; more material for the history books. "What though wars may come with marching feet and beat of the drum, I have Christ in my heart..."
Faith, hope and love are the pillars to which we cling during the storms that crash around us. More than anything we hold to the awesome love of God in Christ Jesus which somehow keeps us going no matter what.
Praying with and for you.