On December 29, 2007, I published a blog here at CB entitled [blog=kreynolds/in-sickness-and-in-health/] In Sickness And In Health... [/url]. Yes, the year is correct! I've been publishing blogs on CB since 2007 and I have to say it has been an amazing experience. Anyway, this particular blog came to mind last night.
I wrote that blog a couple of days after I first saw the surgeon in regards to breast cancer. I remember the day I wrote about very well. My husband and I had driven to the clinic which is located in a major hospital. My appointment was the first one. We had some concerns about rush hour traffic and so we left very early and then headed for the hospital cafeteria as the clinic itself was not open yet.
I was feeling pretty good actually. I was very optimistic that God would take care of me and things would be okay. We left the cafeteria and headed back to the clinic. My husband and I were chatting as we walked and suddenly... I became frozen with fear. I could not for the life of me even move. I just simply stopped. My husband didn't notice at first and continued on not realizing I wasn't next to him any longer.
I later wrote:
Suddenly, I stopped. I was terrified to move. I knew if I so much as took another step, I would break down and cry, scream or do both. My cry out to God died on my lips. My husband had kept on walking. I looked at his retreating back with pleading eyes. I suddenly felt completely alone and lost.
My husband turned around and saw me standing there. I looked at him mutely. I'm sure he could see the agony in my eyes. Without a word, he came back to me. I tried to speak and failed. Then finally, in a trembling voice I said, "I can't."
He took my hand and gently put it in the crook of his arm. Then he waited. "If I move, I'll totally lose it." I whispered.
"That's okay." he replied. He squeezed my hand tightly between his body and his arm. "We'll just wait together."
I tightened my hold on his arm and took one step. Then another and another. I could move and I wasn't going hysterical.
I felt strength flowing through me. I wasn't alone. We're in this together.
Since that time, I've gone through several surgical procedures, went through chemo and radiation, had my hair fall out, nails turn brittle, survived an "explosion" in my brain which caused other issues and am now on an unpaid medical leave from my job all in the space of about 40 months. Life is never dull for a K !
The reason this blog came to mind last night was because I was thinking about my husband and how he has faithfully been by my side, caring for me every step of the way. He didn't have to go through this you know. He could have said, "This is too hard, I don't want to do this, I can't do this, I have a life too you know..." he could have said all of those things and so much more but he didn't. Instead he steps back to where I am, takes my hand in his and holds me tight, reminding me that I am loved and cared for. I am not alone!
When I think of the people I know here at CB as well as elsewhere with with chronic illness and injuries, I think about the people who walk beside them as caregivers who spend hours sitting in hospital corridors... waiting. I think about how they take them to seemingly endless medical appointments, care for them when they are unable to care for themselves, hold their heads when they become ill and quite simply, tenderly love them with all of their hearts.
It is not an easy job. I have heard those who are ill/injured say time and time again that the most difficult part of their illness is watching their spouse or other caregiver have to go through this with them. I agree.
So I'd like to give all of you who are "caregivers" a great big hug and say thank you because often the person you are caring for just cannot do it at the moment. Please know that you are making a difference in the life of the one you love and serve so faithfully. You remind us that we do matter and that we are loved. And... so are you!
you might of already but my blog from 2 weeks ago tells how my wife "aka mrs vet/awesomewonder on here is now the primary caregiver for her 70 plus year old aunt who is in the first stages of possible dementia. thank you for this blog today, i will tell my wife ( in her busyness) to read it if she gets a moment. be blessed and thank you