I felt the butterflies in my stomach fluttering back and forth wildly. Ugh...I felt like I was going to be sick. This was going to be tougher than I thought. Tonight was our monthly Chick Night at church. I'd previously laid my plans. This was our pajama party night. The theme was "Getting Too Comfortable". We were all supposed to come in our pajamas or comfy clothes. Women, you know exactly what I mean. Think back to the slumber party days. Some of you may not have to think back very far :)
After careful thought, I'd decided this would be a good time to make my top-less debut. This is not what you think! This is female cancer survivor slang for going without a headcovering such as a wig, scarf or hat. My hair is only about 1/2 - 3/4 inches long. There's are women who would have gone top-less before this but you have to understand; I never would do the short hair thing. I hadn't had short hair since I was 16 and that was only because a friend cut my hair too short and she had to fix it. That's another story.
There was also another problem. I uh...well...I had a secret. I started going gray at 17. It was just a hair here and there of course but it had started. By my thirties I decided to take matters into my own hands and do something about it. Well, at least cover it up Now I have a problem. You guessed it. It's not quite coming back in the same color it was before I cut it off. In fact, since six months has elapsed, it's probably grayer than it was six months ago. Oh boy...
I took a deep breath. What exactly was I afraid of? You guessed it. I didn't want anyone to see the real me.
What would they say? What would they think? What would they do? Exactly who are these they people anyway?
If I let them they will make me feel afraid. If I let them they will make me immobile. If I let them they will prevent me from doing what God has called me to do. If I let them they will prevent me from doing life with people in my world and they will prevent me from letting others see Christ and what he has done in my life.
I have to get my eyes off of the they people and get my eyes onto Christ. He is the one who makes me brave. He is the one who can slash all of my fears and give me the courage to jump out of the boat and walk where he is. He gives me the courage to do life with him and the people in my world so that they may know him.
I turned and looked downstairs at my husband. "I'm scared."
"I know you are but you'll be just fine. Do you have your survivor t-shirt on? You know this is the best place to go top-less in public for the first time."
I silently thanked God for my wonderful supportive husband who always seems to know just what to say to me. I took a deep breath and headed out the door. I took a deep breath and headed into church and landed right in the arms of my dear sisters who admired my new look.
I sang Brave along with all of my other dear sisters. God had certainly thrust me out of my comfort zone this past year and I don't know if I'll ever be in that particular comfort zone again. Probably not. What I do know is God can take the fearful and make them brave.
P.S. To all my dear sisters at Christianblog.com: We had a great pillow fight. I wish you could have been there!
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious onto you.
there are a lot of truths in you blog today, and a lot of teaching.
Congrats for coming out! And in the right way, I might add. You really hit on a deep truth, and that is the facade or the mask that we all wear every single day when we go out in public. Very few of us let folks in, and we don't know the real people we see at church.
The folks that we envy because they seem to have a perfect life, are really coming apart at the seams.
It occurs to me that if we would all be 'real' with each other, we could comfort each other in the way Jesus wants us to.
Great blog, K.Gracie