healing and naaman s folly - Final lessons on my healing journey - Published by John Knox+

My husband never buys me gifts published by
Hi at first I felt guilty writing this as I know it's nothing compared
Hi at first I felt guilty writing this as I know it's nothing compared to what some of you guys have been through. That said though I want Jesus to be glorified in our family, in the little things as well as the major crisis issues, and maybe nipping this one in the bud early in our marriage is going to prevent things escalating to something more serious.
Well I have a lovely husband. He's so patient and sensitive. He is a great listener and generous with his time. We've been married 4 years and are expecting our first child soon. I'm thankful for so much the Lord has given us. We're both in ministry part time at our local church, and God is blessing us in what we're doing.
I'm just struggling so much that he doesn't buy me gifts on special occasions. Like two weeks ago it was our anniversary. When he saw the card, flowers and presents I had prepared for him, he said "Oh I feel guilty I haven't got you anything. I'll buy you something later...". Well, 'later' is now more than two weeks later, and no sign of anything.
On my last birthday, he wrote me an 'IOU' note for some software I wanted. That was 10 months ago, and nothing.
I want to put this in perspective, as he is such a lovely man, and my life is so much better to be with him. I'm so grateful that he's with me, and he's my best friend. He's a Christian, and we share our deepest prayer requests together. I'm quite happy to keep giving and giving to him even though he doesn't reciprocate, because I'm so happy with how he treats me day to day. I know that's far more important than remembering my birthday or our anniversary.
But when he doesn't prepare for my birthdays, Christmas, and anniversary, it makes me feel lonely and undervalued, and that he's just relaxed into our relationship so much that he doesn't feel any pressure to prepare for our special days.
I wish that just once he would put some effort into buying me a gift that would show that he really does treasure me as a woman. I know he does, but as a woman sometimes I need to see actions and not just sweet words.
Help! What can I do? I want to deal with my emotions positively and constructively, without letting myself becoming bitter.

Published: Aug 09 2008 04:16:01am

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Samantha Shemer (@youaregolden)

Welcome to Cb! I am not married, but I am in a serious relationship with a guy who if I don't say something to, he won't know what to do. For example, I have to hint at things I want for him to get me something for my birthday or such. But men also are kind of clueless sometimes when it comes to gifts. The best thing for you to do is tell him in love that it means a lot to you that he does gets you something, even if it is small. Pray first before you talk to him, and say it in love. I know what you are feeling, because I am the same way. I want to know my man is thinking of me and treasures me. I will be praying for you :) YSIC, -Golden

K Reynolds+ (@kreynolds)

I had to chuckle to myself on this one. Our 27th anniversary is tomorrow. My husband never forgets it because his birthday is the following day!

That aside, while my husband is a gift-giver, he's not very verbal if you know what I mean. I know from experience the comments made by the men are very true. I learned long ago that my husband like many men seems pretty oblivious to hints. I have to be very specific. Women have a tendency to fill in the blanks in conversations. Men don't. C.S. Lewis claimed women don't use nouns when they speak. For example, if some women are working in the kitchen together, woman A may say "Take that one over there and put it up over where the other one is." Woman B knows that means the blue bowl she is holding belongs in the cupboard across from her (not the one next to her). It is an upper cupboard rather than a lower cupboard because woman A said up and not down. It belongs on the shelf next to the matching blue bowl. A man will probably say "Huh?" unless he's in his own house and has been married for a long time. Even then it's a stretch.

We're not wrong and they're not wrong. We're just wired differently.

First of all, you have to realize your husband is showering you with gifts constantly. At least that's what it sounds like.

He's so patient and sensitive. He is a great listener and generous with his time.
I'm so grateful that he's with me, and he's my best friend. He's a Christian, and we share our deepest prayer requests together.
I'm so happy with how he treats me day to day
Many women who receive gifts all of the time have nothing but the gifts. The gifts your husband is giving you on the other hand are very real and he doesn't just save them for special times.

While your husband may appreciate your thoughtfulness, your card, flowers and gifts probably don't move him in quite the same manner as they would move you. My husband can take it or leave it.

as a woman sometimes I need to see actions and not just sweet words.
Your husband needs to understand this but you have to be careful. Far too many women are more interested in the stuff the man gives them rather than in the man himself. While your husband may not be conscious of that, our society has sent that message and my guess is no man is entirely immune to the thought that a woman just wants something from him. This is our own fault. We have often used the gifts God has given us to try to manipulate men and that's not right.

Make sure he understands that you realize how much he is giving to you on a daily basis. Those things are more precious to you than any material gift. However, receiving a gift of some sort on special days makes a woman feel extra-special.

It is true that men often do not know what to get you. They don't necessarily want to just give you flowers and although you love chocolate you might fuss at them. Often the gifts they do think of are simply beyond their price range so they do nothing.

My husband and I do something probably a bit odd. We have wish lists at both and We exchanged passwords as we just didn't like the feel of actually giving a wish list to each other. We periodically update the wish list, usually in the fall. This way, when Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays come around, we just access each others list and there's no question about what to get.

By the way, we don't actually give each other a physical gift on our anniversary. We always spend one night (sometimes more) away from home and do a weekend together. In our early years of marriage when things were pretty tight this may have meant just going to the state fair together, hiking or having a picnic while we listened to a free concert or participated in a free improv show at a park. This year, due to conflicts we celebrated two weeks early. One year we waited until September because there was a play coming to town which we both really wanted to see. One year, because of finances we actually had to wait until January. The point was, we did it and we've been doing it every year since our first anniversary back in 1981.

K :princess:

Francisco J Zubia (@tohimbeglory)

I think you are making a mistake in thinking that you husband doesn't buy you gifts. If he is kind to you, that is kind enough. Some wives would be content to have that. And I ask myself the question why do I need gifts? If it si on sale, buy it and thank God and buy your husband what he'd like. It is stressful to be dependent on others for our own self steem. You have to take care of you own heart, because it is the issue of your life. If you want something, get it and thank God, who know maybe the Lord will put it on sale for you, so you can be happy and content with what your husband does give you. If you are content you probably are going to be on a mood to give gifts yourself. May you be blessed. Amen. thbg

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