an encounter with depression.
Ok, before we get started, this blog may be a little confronting for some people and I fully understand that this blog leaves me vulnerable to lots of things. But I can only pray that any comments left are supportive ones that will encourage people. This is my encounter with depression.

Sometimes it just hits me. Sometimes I know it’s headed my way. Then I tell myself, "Oh no, it is coming". It feels like as if there is a big devil coming to hug you, saying, "You cannot hide from me. Come with me, no need to fight. You will just get tired".

He comes arms wide open, the same way my father comes to hug his daughters.He plants his fingernails in my back and squeezes me tightly into his chest and sucks all my energy.
All dark, all painful. The devil’s chest has a deep black hole inside it which sucks me very deep. No matter how I much I try to reach out and stretch my arms, nobody can reach me. I cry for help but I don’t know to whom, yet afraid my cries will make them even leave me. So I just shut myself, feeling unworthy, keeping in silence and let myself sink into the devil’s chest. Suffocated, tearful, powerless, alone.

Until I reach the bottom of the devil’s core. Dark, nothing to see. All I can repeat are taunts. I’m no good at anything. I am always stuffing up. I am no good as a daughter. I am not good at my job. I am unattractive. I don’t belong.I want to shout, "help me!" but my voice won’t come out. When it does, I hear the echo of my cry as if nobody can hear me. Somewhere amongst the despair and hurt, I know God is in it and things will be ok, Even when i feel alone He holds me tight. He takes my hand and pulls me from the pit. Yes Satan is big, But God is bigger!

This morning as I lay in bed, not wanting to wake up, I knew I had to press into him. As I did I saw Jesus take my hand and lead me out of bed. He was saying that He was going to lead me through this day, gently, one step at a time. I may not be able to trust my emotions, but I can trust Him! Suddenly, I felt a hint of energy and life. I would be okay with Jesus, my hand was held in His. Today, I felt on top of the world.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:10-13

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:6-8

Blessings guys.
  I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 2 months and 3 days.

  I have published 92 blogs and 267 comments.

 I currently live in: Australia.

Hi Shani,

This blog is very encouraging to me especially this morning because I have another friend (Ken) who called me Saturday and is VERY depressed. I have copied this blog of yours, printed it and plan to share it with him this afternoon. I was able to visit with him and we ate at Subway Saturday afternoon and really all I did was sit and listen and we had prayer a couple of times. He later thanked me for doing so much, but I did not feel I had really done anything. I thought about my response later and realized that sharing what I have, my faith in an awesome God who loves us, may be the best thing he could ever hear.

I have not had a depression problem, praise the Lord, and so had not understood how it really affects a person. I think that this blog will encourage my friend as it has me. Thanks for being willing to tell it like it is.
God really is GOOD!

Praying that you will be blessed always,

Benjamin Foulks

Thank you dear one. Your honesty has helped explain the almost unexplainable. It's amazing that we almost become poetic when trying to explain what depression is like. I know the experience well; the tightness of it's grip; the complete draining of energy; the paralysis of shame. And, yes, like you I also know the one Who is walking through this dark valley with me... holding my hand and never letting go of me nor I of Him.

I am often reminded of a Bill Gaither song with this chorus:

"Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning... "

"Weeping only lasts for the night."

"Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning... ."

"The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight."

We may be thrown into utter darkness for a moment... but our Heavenly Father will never fail to lead us back to the light.

Rhonda Jones

I agree with ptl2008, plead the Blood, shani, Plead the Blood. And get a cd of peace scriptures and listen to it until it makes you want to scream! You are at war child, and you absolutely MUST fight back against depression! if you see this devil comin, honey YOU CAN STOP it! and you must!

Christopher Quek

Thank you my little sister,
Your courage has blessed me. It is easy for those of us who do not suffer the terrible affliction of depression to give all forms of advice. The truth of the matter is, we just do not know. I have a friend who suffers from depression as well and she testifies that in her deepest of darkness, she is so lost that she cannot even cry out to God. Her testimony is like yours because even though she was not able and whatever cries she may have are incoherent, God always responds ... even to the silent cry. Like you she rests on the sure knowledge that God sees and hears His children even when they are so afflicted that they are struck dumb because He hears the deep cry of the soul.



Alison Stewart

Sweets!... Thank you so much for sharing openly. Been there, done that but God healed me. I pray you too will know his healing. There is one thing I would ask you to consider my friend... .would you please join the Survivors Group (I'm sure K:princess: will let you in:wink:). Hold on to God as tightly as you can but know that HE will never leave you nor forsake you.

Really, really big Kiwibird hugs


K Reynolds+


:heart::flower::heart::flower::heart: H U G S ! ! ! ! :heart::flower::heart::flower::heart:

and Blessings!

K :princess:

P.S. And what Kbird said is true...


Shani, as I read the kind comments above I was reminded of the story of Peter walking on the water with Jesus. He lost sight of Jesus for an instant, became afraid of the waves and began to sink. His only cry was to the Lord and all he could say was, "Lord, SAVE ME!"

That's one request that the Lord will never delay in answering. He's here for you (and me) every minute and when you feel this depression coming on that's when you can cry to Him. Even if you are already "under water" He can still hear your heart's cry.


Elizabeth Fox

I love you, Shani...

Art Schnatterly


Even (or especially) in one of your blogs like this, I find such tremendous hope.

I rejoice when I see the maturity, the insight of you and diva and others in your age group here @ CB.

For many years I suffered from deep depression. Some of it was clinical, fixed by a simple pill. But so much for me ( and I emphasize me here) was apostasy! Today, I often say that it has been so long since I've had a bad day (or week) I've forgotten how to do it! And it is true, so very true. Why? April 6, 2008 Jesus came back into my life. I was refilled by the Holy Spirit. I've not been depressed a single day since.


Art :reading:

Art Schnatterly


Even (or especially) in one of your blogs like this, I find such tremendous hope.

I rejoice when I see the maturity, the insight of you and diva and others in your age group here @ CB.

For many years I suffered from deep depression. Some of it was clinical, fixed by a simple pill. But so much for me ( and I emphasize me here) was apostasy! Today, I often say that it has been so long since I've had a bad day (or week) I've forgotten how to do it! And it is true, so very true. Why? April 6, 2008 Jesus came back into my life. I was refilled by the Holy Spirit. I've not been depressed a single day since.


Art :reading:

Jolene Fritz


Thank you for sharing from your heart. I have been in the same place as you have been many times in my life. You can't say a word out loud even though you are screaming in your mind and heart everything you have been taught to say. It can be very frustrating but as all have said our Lord is bigger than anything we go through and He will always pull us out. I know that He will set me (and you and all others that ask) free. I would like to share with you a couple of things that I have found very useful in my fight.

When I am really in trouble and can't reach out to anyone, can't speak to fight, can't read Scripture because the pages appear blank, and other debilitating things, I keep a copy of Scripture in bed with me at all times. Not on my bed stand, not on my dresser or near by actually in bed and when things get nasty I reach for it and just hold it. I am not sure why or how or if it is even Scriptural but I know that it gives me comfort and as I can, I start calling out to Jesus to help me and it is not long before I am able to actually start fighting and even more importantly praising God.

The other thing: I have several friends who know me well enough that they can tell by looking at me something is wrong or that I am struggling and they will begin to pray. They don't always say anything to me at that particular moment but they just start praying, then when they begin to see a difference in how I look (I can't explain it nor do I understand the differences in how I look but they have all commented they can tell when I am in trouble) we talk and pray together about whatever might be going on in my life.

It is easy for someone who has not walked the difficult path of depression to understand why it is so difficult to get past it. It is also easy for those same ones to have all types of suggestions of what "to do", but until they have been there done that there is no way for them to understand what it means when we say: "I just was not able to cry for help".

Keep fighting.
Love in Christ

Rhonda Jones

one of the tricks of depression is to coddle it. I urge you brothers and sisters not to presume that recommendations on taking spiritual authority as a lack of compassion.


Heavenly Father God, It is so easy for those of us who have never felt the depths of this affliction, those who have not walked in Shani's shoes, to give 'wise and sage advice'. It is easy to tell her what to do and how to act. Loving Lord Jesus, you alone understand the heart of your dear Shani. You alone know what the answers are. We pray for Shani and lift her into your loving arms. We stand with her holding up her arms, we hold her arms up as that is what we can do. We lift her to your bosom, we ask your healing your strength your love and your light. Father most loving healer we give her to you and thank You for guiding her and helping her. Lord Jesus take her by the hand and don't let go. Take her by the hand and when she can't hold on any more, then carry her safely through until she can stand alone. Until then, I thank you Lord for the awesome privilege of standing with her, of holding up her arms, of being beside her, of loving her. We do not know all; we know that you love us, that you will take care of us and that You alone are our strength and refuge. Buckle and gird her, protect her, surround her with your hedge of light and peace, and bring her safely along the path that leads always to you. Into your arms we run Lord. We thank you that nothing, nothing shall be able to separate us from your love. Thank you for Shani's pure heart in being willing to make herself vulnerable. Thank you for protecting that heart that is so vulnerable. Thank you for the life of our dear sister in the precious name of Jesus Christ, amen. You are loved, dear Shani, more than you know... . so blest to stand beside you

Michelle Hyder

I agree 100% with blackrose65. You must stand in your authority as a believer and fight against this depression. Many sicknesses and diseases are caused by demons who seek to kill, steal and destroy. The bible states to get rid of demons we must cast them out! Some sicknesses and diseases are not caused by demons. Unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt if depression is not a demon, then keep fighting and casting it out.

Don't assume because I speak this way that I am not compassionate. Compassion is telling you the truth, and praying for your recovery. I have close friends and family that are on depression pills. Some of them have been healed and some have not. I pray for them especially when I know they are not strong enough themselves. Most of my friends and family on these pills are content the way they are, because they don't ask for prayer for their depression. I'm on my church's altar team. I see it every Sunday. Pastor calls out things to be healed and these people stay in their seats instead of going up for prayer. Read the bible verse below, please.

One of my friends committed suicide at the last church we attended. The church family didn't even know he had depression until it was too late. I have two other friends however who have been healed and got off these pills. I pray shani that you will be completely healed.

James 5:14-15
"Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: and the prayer of Faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

God bless,

Zac Hancock

Dear Shani,

I've battled with panic disorder and depression for the past several years. I was perfectly normal until I went off to college--some 400 miles from home. I went for the wrong reasons. My girlfriend at the time was going to school there, and so I thought I would just go along. However, we broke up not half a month into the first semester. I went on for another month or so; alone and scared. I didn't have the love of Jesus then, and I began to panic. I had a series of panic attacks and breakdowns before I finally threw in the towel and came home.

From there on my disorder continued to worsen. I grew to the point to where I was afraid to even leave the house (and oftentimes still am). I was afraid of meeting new people and seeing new things. My home became my comfort zone and no amount of begging from my friends could get me out of the house. I'm often afraid, Shani. I'm afraid of being nothing in life; I'm afraid of being alone; I'm afraid of failing; I'm afraid of embarrasing myself.

While I was at college I prayed and prayed for God to help me. I prayed for him to send comfort to me and to help me through this. But no help came, and deeper into that black pit I sank. I took out all of my anger and frustration and even my sadness on God. "It is God's fault," I would think. "He should've helped me!"

Now I can't help but recall the song "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers". God knew what he was doing, Shani. I might have been in the ruts, but when I returned home and several months of being with my friends and family again renewed my strength. I eventually went back to college (one only fifteen miles from home this time), and I'm doing well. I didn't think at the time that it was God who had given me the strength though.

It wasn't until the depression and anxiety returned that I realized it was God all along. Sometimes I think that the relapse was God saying "Hey, remember that you NEED ME." I have always been stubborn and thought that I can do it on my own. God, as always, proved me wrong.

I don't know how you feel when you get that feeling (and you know the feeling I'm talking about... the one that says "the darkness is coming"), but I always feel as if I'm holding the entire world on my shoulders. I feel as if something is pressing down on me, trying to break me, trying to make me fall. I often found myself thinking "I cannot bear this weight!", and "I feel as if I'm going to crumble!".

I thought about leaving college again. I thought about giving it all up and locking myself away forever... until I was listening to the Christian talk radio one day. I would listen to it from time to time when I was driving, and on this day God delievered to me the message I had always needed to hear. I don't know if this verse will help you as much as it helped me, but I do not exaggerate when I say it literally turned my life around.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I WILL GIVE YOU REST. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall FIND REST UNTO YOUR SOULS. FOR MY YOKE IS EASY, AND MY BURDEN IS LIGHT." Matthew 11:28-30.

God bless you, Shani, and remember always: the burden of sin and a life without God is unbearable. The burden of depression and sadness is unbearable. BUT THE BURDEN OF GOD IS LIGHT, and his YOKE IS EASY.

Rees Marshall

Matthew 21:18-22
Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

I have learned that if a person has a problem, instead of praying and hoping for a healing, the person can just speak directly to the problem.

Jesus saw that the fig tree was offensive, so he spoke it out of existence with the power of His voice. He made this happen because he believed in his heart that it would happen and he spoke out his faith. If you have a problem or a disability, you can just speak to the problem saying, "Problem, you are not supposed to be there. You have caused me to stumble. In Jesus' name, I command you to be removed out of my life and out of my existence."

Hope this helps, love Rees.

Sharonda Simmons

Dear Shani,

And all my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially those battling depression and other mental illness... I love you and am praying for you. This speaks to my heart because I am 22 years old and have battled depression and anxiety sense I was a child, it was not until college that I knew what it was and when it worsened.

Last year was one of my worst years battling depression, I was on medications that didn't really work, I was still dealing (and still am) the loss of a parent, I was stressed from being a coollege student with 2 jobs and trying to support my family back home..among other stresses and troubles. There were times when I knew the voices in my head were not of God but it was so hard to not feel conumed. I would stay in bed all day, I would cry, skip class, eat horrible food,and when I walked out side I would secretly hope a car would come and hit me or something else to take a way the pain and misery I was going through, one of the breaking points was when I went to my kitchen aand my apartment and contemplates slicing my neck and risk... while it was in my hand I knew God didn't want this for I put the knife down and hid all the knives in my kitchen in fear that the next time I went to eat something I would kill I say all of this it is amazing how far I have come in the past year or so. God has helped me so much.

By no means am I completely okay and will still have to work on my issues, but thas okay I have a stronger connenction with God and have more faith that he will bring me through whatever lies ahead..and I know for sure depression, suicide, anziety are not on the list for his will for my life and purpose, I belive that God allowed me to go through such pain and trials and tribulations now so that I can testify to others and so I could depend totally on him and draw closer to him.

I am hoping and Praying for all of you battling this demon, including myseld. I would suggest a few things that prayerfully will work for you or help you

1. Pray..there is power in prayer, not only ask god to heal you of this illness but ask Why are you going through this, what lesson do you need to learn, what way can you bless others through this..the power lies in Him and there is strength and revelation in the answers

2 have may not be fair but God i s Faithful, he will bring you through there is healing and power in the name of Jesus, by his stripes we are healed. Have faith that your abba father will never leave or forsake you... ever and what the enemy has in store and is trying to do God has power and authority over that and all things.

3. Don't let AnyOne make you feel like your mental illness, is a strike against your faith or love of God, my pastor..and through my own experiences..and by faith I belive that a mental illness is like anyother illness which you must seek Proper help for, it is okay to go to a doctor it is okay to seek counseling it , it is okay if perscriped to get further help and maybe even is okay!! It does not make you less of a christian. When you leg is broken you go to a doctor, why not the same for a broken heart? Some people will say "just pray on it" while prayer and faith are our most powerful weapons, faith without works is dead. Prayer and seeking help from a qualified conselor do not have to be mutually exsclusive . Just like you can pray for healing of cancer, or broken limbs and still go to the doctor, you can do the same with mental illness. My pastor says "you can't give a spiritual perscription to an emotional problem"..this is an emotional and metial problem... get all the help you need friends family conselors , just like god allowed doctors to help you out he gave therapist tools to help you out. Regardless of the tools GOD IS STILL The ONLY HEALER!! He is the one that will heal you, not a pill or person, those are just tools that may or may not be used in the process.

4 you will overcome have faith and seek a support system. Do not be ashamed or too prideful to admit to others, especially God that you have a can not get healed if you don't admit you are sick!!!!!!!!!!! God is glorious and awesome he has helped me out in more ways than I can count or am even aware of, though the battle may not be over..I give it all to God all power, all my problems, all my pain, he has all power and glory..the lord loves you and will see you through!!

Many blessings


Francisco J Zubia

Something, I'm apprehensive wheter to share, But here it goes;

["... tohimbeglory wrote: posted 09/01/2009 08:37am

The worst kind of loneliness is walking in wrong road. And sometimes we may not notice anything wrong with the way we've taken. And we see everyone taking this road and they all pretend that they are in the right road. Yes. Multitude is comfort. We are social creatures by nature. But the blessing can quickly diminish and the spreckle horse of want and need come, with desolation, emptiness, and like we are exploring-loneliness...

But this all come from believing lies about what God really says and means. The first horse in poverty and loneliness is the horse and rider of deception. And it is white horse and no defect apparent in it. When things become plaucible and we believe what is popular to believe, God's stern judgement for believing lies is desolation. Now the truth does not come naturally. All the world is against what is true. And it's war in reality...

Paul told the Ephesians to take hold of the belt of truth in the first attack against the prevailing wind to lead us astray. We first begin to feel depressed and we just don't feel like reading and studying Gods' word. And we stop really praying. Fasting the final solution is far away. It is battle time and the demons have lots of weapons of discouragement with them...

... ]

I went into much dept into this business of loneliness and depression and desolation. I prayed and was led in the Lord he wanted me to share what I know. I hope you come out of what has taken grip of you, because it is not your imagination, something has taken grip of you. I know I've been there... May God grant you relief! In Jesus name we pray... Amen.


Billy Beard

Shani, I just want you to know what you shared touched me, and I know it took great courage. I hope that the God of all comfort, who knows exactly how to help you, will give you peace and comfort. 2 Cor. 1: 3, 4. God Bless, Sister.

Amber Harrold

I suffer from depression and I know exactly how you feel. I love what you said in this. It makes me feel better about my depression. Thank you. I love the verses you put in this. They are so true. God bless and be strong. Put your whole life in God's hands and trust in the Lord. :)

Dawn Chandler Blair

Shani, your blog is something many can relate to. Whether someone has a chemical depression or situational depression reaching out to God even when we can't feel him is an act of faith. Repeating the Word of God and what he says about us, as you have done is how we fight in the Spirit. Thanks for sharing.