This Blog isnt a blog looking for sympathy, nor is it a pity party. Its just an example of how God loves us, even when we fall short. Its just a blog about me surrendering too Him.
He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zeph. 3:17
Ok. So the last few months of my life have been the hardest few months ive experienced, even the healing aspect has hurt, My hearts been broken, my life shaken, ive had people go be with God, Ive turned to booze, had countless nights I cant remember and the list goes on... I’ve walked in many different directions, except toward the goal, I’ve ran as fast as I possibly could, to escape the pain of a new day, knowing that the day could possibly bring more pain and tears. Ive experienced love and loss, Joy and darkness, freedom and pain, happiness and anger and my relationship with Jesus has been put to the test in all areas. The trials have taken their toll, and it has become harder to believe that God still wants an intimate, close relationship with me. Why would God want to love a person like me, who continually stuffs up, who continually walks off and tries to tackle this world on my own. Who sins like no ones watching!
Now, I f you are yet too see, I’m the kind of person who learns things the hard way. I don’t often learn by other peoples mistakes; usually I have to do it myself, for it too registers. Anyhoo, funnily enough, I made a big blunder in the past week, hence why I went MIA for a little.
So, a few nights in the cold, a lot of anger and tears, I decided it was time to go home-back to my mum. The other night, I was sitting in the living room, watching TV whilst my dog, Kelly was sniffing about the house. It was a cold night and I was all rugged up and relaxed so I decided to recline the chair back and get comfy and just rest my eyes. I began to nod off when suddenly; I felt this sudden thump followed by a big wet one to the face. Kelly had decided I was more comfy then the ground, so she jumped up onto my lap. After a few minutes of playing and a good scratch under her chin, Kelly laid her face on my chest in pure bliss and content. And every now and then she would look up into my eyes and gaze at me lovingly and adoringly, as if to say, ive missed you.
As I am watching my usually placid unaffectionate contained puppy, rest her cheek into my chest, God began speaking to me. He said that He wanted me to come to Him and adore Him too. He said that HE is actually disappointed when I don’t come to Him in confidence that He wants to see me and be close to me. He enjoys the closeness of my presence. He enjoys the feeling of my nearness. He loves to see me. He is pleased when I come sit in His lap, rest my head on His chest, in complete trust and confidence that He loves me and is delighted to see me. He loves it when I look up into His eyes adoringly, knowing that in His presence, I have not a care in the world. He loves it when I come home.
Here I was thinking that He may not want to be close to me. But He is saying that He does, not only for my sake, but for His also! And that He misses my affection and closeness when I stay away. Wow, I hadn’t thought of it from His point of view! Why do I doubt? The relationship He has already revealed to me is the one He still wants with me, plus the new things that He is teaching me. He always loves us, always desires to be close to us and hold us in His arms. So here we are God. We are Yours! ♥
Father God, there are places deep within my heart, my soul which only you can touch, only you can heal. You have been the most wonderful person in my life, loving me, caring for me. You see my ways and not for once do you lose your patience, not once do you leave me on life’s shore, helpless, abandoned and in solitude. I look to my left and there you are, to my right and there your presence is. Your charming aroma, your delectable, pure joy fills me, quenches me, relieves me and gives me rest. You are my Morning Star, sprinkling my life with your radiance every dawn and how dearly I desire you. You are my Fortress, shielding my life. You are my Love…
You picked me up when I was distraught, and shaky and gave me a purpose. You made me a new person, a flower blooming afresh, blossoming with the breath you breathed into me, the word you spoke, the touch with which you touched. The life that you yourself are. For who am I that you should care for me, who am I that you being who you are should even look at me, even a passing glance, a stray glimpse.
Thank you, My Friend, My Comforter, My Solace. Thank you for who are. Thank you, My Father. Thank you, My God.
God has his own way of teaching us what we need to know because we are all different. Hang in there and learn from the Master.
PS your writing is maturing no end !
My eyes filled with tears as I read this...
Shani, never forget what I am about to say,
Despite the fact that God already knew all your faults and failures, He still said I love YOU so much, I am going to die for YOU so that YOU might live in me. I am going to cover everything. EVERYTHING.
Also remember that when we repent, God's forgiveness is not like ours. We have a tendency to still remember and even throw it in people's faces. God's forgiveness is complete. He picks us up out of the pigsty and wraps us up in His loving arms as He cleans us up, remembering our sin no more.
Never forget how much God loves you Princess Shani. He loves you, as well as the rest of us, in spite of ourselves.
Blessings Shani! I'm so glad that you're back!
Shani, I love this so much. Your writing here has touched me deeply. Thank you. Looks like you are grasping something I am still struggling with. Inspirational.
I love you, my sister.