Being sick and humble
I used to look at mum and i used to think come hell or high water, im never going to be like her. As a younger woman Mum would take quite a few different medications of a morning and it used to bug me that she had to take them. I didnt point the finger at her and blame her for it, but i used to wish oh so bad that she would not be so relient on them to get her through the day.

Now here i stand at 20 years of age, following in my mothers foot steps.The reality for me is unless they find a cure for my on going health issues or the good Lord heals me, i will have to take medication for the rest of my life. My health issues are not life threatning, however they are something that are long term and will impede more and more on my life as i get older. My health issues are not physical ailments and you can not tell things arent 100% by the look of me, but i feel it.

Over the past year, my health has gone downhill. Just as doctors have finally given a diagnosis, something else pops up and back to the begining we go. It gets very tiring on myself, my family and on the people who pray for me. I have found myself so very often asking, begging, pleading and crying to God to just heal me or show the doctors what is wrong. ive also found myself asking when i cant see how its going to get better for Him to just come take me home as sometimes the fight doesnt seem worth it. Im fighting against a very real enemy who wants nothing more then to keep me down, aswell as my body and the medication the doctors put me on. The Medication i am on, I really do HATE it. It does not make me feel very awesome. It makes me feel quite the opposite.

After having a conversation with mum about it, She asked why God hadnt healed me yet because after all thats what He is capable of. My answer to that was simple. I said God could heal me if He wanted, but He has said 'Not yet'. If He wanted me to not face these obstacles, well He is more than capable of removing them but as this has not happened, i have only to believe that these obstacles i face, i face for a reason.She also questioned how reliant i really can be on a God who doesnt want to heal me. I didnt know how to answer her when she said it but the more i think about it, i am completely reliant on Him. i am just humble enough to trust that God is doing something through the hands of the countless specialists i see and the medication i take. Not gonna lie, there have been a few days when I will avoid my medication like the plague ( but then @kiwibird  and @kreynolds  tell me to take them lol) because the fear in me knows its going to make me feel really lousy, but i have to remind myself and speak over my life that God has not given me a spirit of fear and that He is working in ways i just can not see YET.


The song ive attached to this blog, has just been so on my heart this week and i guess can be relevant to this post. :)

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K Reynolds+

Oh Shani!

Remember... you are NOT alone. Yes, it is hard when our bodies are "broken" and it seems like God maybe has even abandoned us. That is when we must walk by faith and not by sight. That is when we must remember that God is bigger than the waves that beat against us.

I am listening to this song right now and I am rejoicing because you... are walking on the water! About three years ago, TL Sia (@doulos) told me one horrible and very dark night that God was writing my testimony at that very moment. I am going to tell that to you, Shani. God is writing your testimony even now and it is amazing!

* K stretches her hands toward OZ and asks God to help Shani feel her hug...

Always remember, regardless of how dark and scary the night is... it is only shadows and the VERY best is yet to be! May God's light shine through you, Shani so that all of your family and friends will stand in amazement at His glory shining through you.


K :princess:
You O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Ps. 18:28


Who ever told you that those who pray for you get tired??? Hmmm ?????
waitinggg ???

No, I didnt think so.
I love ya, you keep on keeping on.

Alison Stewart

As I read this again you have been through yet another battle.

Shani, my very dear friend, the battle is often long but know that there are those of us who will always be ready to hold you go before God on your behalf - just as you would do for us. Oh, and I'm with Joyce Bethy Ferguson+ (@bethy) (and K Reynolds+ (@kreynolds) et al)

Who ever told you that those who pray for you get tired??? Hmmm ?????
waitinggg ???

No, I didnt think so.
I love ya, you keep on keeping on.

I am blessed to have you in my life.

*** kbird