I have a lot of topics for blogs going through my mind lately but nothing is really making any coherent sense right now. I go forward and start putting some words on the computer screen, and my mind just goes in all different directions to the point I can't really make a complete thought, flow the way I know it needs to go.
As I began to analyze this, this morning it dawned on me, I'm going through a drastic change right now.
In the past month, God has been transforming my life in a multitude of ways.
In the past month:
- My parents have learned of the sexual abuse and what really happened. ( yes I had lied about it for quite some time with them)
- My parents have been told we are moving at the end of this year.
- Some relationships that I thought were friendships have turned out to be nothing more than disappointments.
- My hormone levels are stuffed up
- I've hit a bit of a dry spell with my writing.
I feel like I've been stripped, pruned down to the bare bones of who I am and Im exposed. I want to retreat, hide and not really connect in how I know I am driven deep down within to connect with others.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France
For so long, I've desired to deeply change yet the truth is, I ve only been making baby step changes deep within the duration of this desire. They've been progressive steps, yes but, the truth is, God doesn't desire for me to change in baby steps throughout the rest of my life. There comes a point when He is just like, 'Okay, kiddo enough dilly-dallying you're going to change now!'
That is where Im at in my life. He is stripping me of everything that I dont need.
- He doesn't need for me to continually struggle with my past
- He doesn't need for me to continually be worried about if i will find a way, in a new state
- He doesn't need for me to have friendships that will drain, or hurt, me.
- He doesn't need for me to be continually caught up with everything wrong in my body.
- He doesn't need for me to always have the right thing to say.
All He desires of me is for me to connect with Him to have a relationship with Him in everything I do, in everyone I connect with, for the sake of glorifying Him (taking the light off myself and others).
This is all bringing me into an understanding that our lives are in constant transformation for a reason. Our human bodies hold onto things that typically aren t good for us. Even the good things in our lives, eventually becomes hindrances because we easily become comfortable with them. God doesn t call us to live in comfort in our lives, He calls us to live in righteousness in Him.
His love, grace and mercy are revealed when He takes away the things that are no longer good for the creations He made us to be because that is when we come to see we are broken. And when we can see we re truly broken, and can t live without Him, that is when He shines through.
We are all but mere vessels for Him to shine through and to continually try and patch up the holes with continually doing what we know is comfortable, making our lives try to look picture perfect, we drain. We ail. We become wearisome. We cease to truly live.
I write this because the past few weeks, in my change and stress... Ive been learning that Life isn t about maintaining, it s about progressing growing and letting go of the things that hold us back. Yes, these things suck but we need to embrace these moments, because these are the moments that He is doing something amazing in our lives!