depression. i did not ask for it but here i am.
You cry... you feel sad... you get "help"... but its still there... only now you hide it... you want everyone to believe it is ok... but its not, i'm not ok- its a rollercoaster of emotions, you slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again... then it starts all over. You feel trapped. consumed and like youve done something wrong. it beats the life out of you. Depression. I never asked for it but here i am. There are days when the yellow ray of sunshine and the bright blue sky, shine a bleak shade of Grey. i awake screaming into the darkness i search for a light but i cant find the switch.I stand up and immediately i feel as though i am drowning in the inky black darkness that holds me firm.

The past few days, thats all ive felt. You hold onto the hope that someday there will be a better day, but there are also many days when you feel like this is all you will ever know. this is all your worth. Apart of me doesnt want to write this blog but this is such a real thing in my life. Does it mean i have no faith? No. Even though i battle this everyday, i know that i know that He walks with me. He is there when im on that mountain top and He is there when im in the pit.

I've learned that this darkness that seeks to consume my life is only sharing this body with me. I will press on, sometimes like the living dead, but I will press on because I have a right to try. This is my life too and this depression cannot completely define me or I will cease to be.

Isaiah 43 (the Msg)
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end‚‚¬‚
Because I am God, your personal God.

This i will hold onto.
Shani.

 Shani
  I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 2 months and 3 days.

  I have published 92 blogs and 267 comments.

 I currently live in: Australia.
K Reynolds+

:princess: Shani...

Please know that my arms are reaching out to you right now.

Do you remember what I told you happened when they loaded me into the ambulance and my mind couldn't even think! It is hard to explain but... my broken brain could not function. Then... He was suddenly there! HE broke through and whispered to me "I am with you." and... He was and still is.

You O Lord keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28 (NIV)

Hugs and Blessings!

Love,

K :princess:

Alyssa Grogan

I'll be praying for you.
I have to deal w/the same thing so I know where youre coming from!

Anita Sorensen

Shani dearest!

You have been so much in my thoughts and prayers...

Even though what you are going through is not so comfortable, writing is such a great healing tool. And that you do SOOO wonderfully! Keep writing and let the devil know he is not going to keep your thoughts and concerns in isolation. Especially knowing that you have a world of friends as support here across the world.

Depression is an all consuming thing that can swallow up your entire being, but sounds like you have a grasp on that and fight, fight, fight!!!
Just think what GREAT company you are in when you read of Elijah, Joseph, Paul and the many others that suffered for Christ... you know it wasn't a picnic for them either. So consider yourself one of the chosen, as you are!

Continue to be blessed in all things no matter where you are. Feel that wind of darkness approaching? Turn up the praise music and sing as loud as you can!! The devil just hates that when he hears our voices lifted to the One he despises. He has to cover his ears and go away!

I speak peace over your every thought... in His mighty name... Amen! :heart:

Alison Stewart

I lift Shani to you Lord and I thank you and praise you for her faith and witness. You are the only one who can deal with the issues that Shani is facing at the moment and I ask that you minister to her. Fill her with your peace Lord and increase her confidence in you to the cost of every negative thought that is trying to settle in her mind. Father, I ask for a clear indication of what it is you want Shani to do and I pray that you will make a way for her. Thank you Lord for this treasured friend. Amen

Emmanuel Gomez

I know how you feel. I suffer from major depression disorder. Sometimes I get really depressed and I feel just swallowed up in the negative aspects that surrounds me. I don't know what you're going through or why you feel that way. But I know from my own experiences, when I get really depressed and just feel like giving up, or question God or life itself.. I have noticed God reaches out and picks me up. He never lets me give up, as much as I have wanted to. When I get closer to God and go to church, read my Bible, and abstain from sin, I notice huge results. I find favor from God and He begins to bless my life and give my spirit peace and happiness. I hope this helps you. God bless you

Lorna Ilo

Shani,
It was blessing chatting with you and getting to know you. This is a very loud testimony of a real crisis in most of our lives. I admire your wisdom to hold on to the truth that God is with you... even in desperate moments when we don't always feel like he is there. Depression is a very serious and heavy tool satan uses to defeat us, and in your situation you held on to the knowledge that God will sustain you. Most of us Christians (speaking of myself) are high on God when everything is going great, and at times when things are difficult we loose that sight of his promise, that He is with us. Bravo Shani, for standing strong and firm even in your darkest hour. This is truly an amazing testimony, your expression and drawing us along is beautifully done. Thank you for sharing and thank you for reminding us that even in our darkest hour we as children of God are safe in the arms of our Father.

William Stephens

When I was a young parent, my teenage daughter seemed to delight in telling us (her parents) that she was bored. There were a few years in particular when it seemed I heard that from her every other day. Usually, my response to her was to ask, what are your options? In the beginning, she usually said there's nothing to do. I'd throw out options, which usually she would reject, but I would persist, alternating between suggesting new options and asking her to explain why she didn't like particular options.

Somehow, the boredom remarks stopped. Maybe only because she left for college. But I think gradually she began to ask herself what her goals were and what her purpose was.

I encourage you to find Pastor Rick Warren' s Book, The Purpose Driven Life, and read it. If money is a problem, go to purposedrivenlife.com and they offer a long list of free tools. They will email some back immediately, and I especially recommend their Life Health Assessment, which will help you focus on the 5 areas of purpose that Pastor Rick thinks God has for all of us. I pray you will find satisfaction in your role, and ask that you to be patient, hopeful, and faithful while you search for it. God bless you.

Beth+

Shani! I miss you!!! And I am sending a HUG, special delivery, all the way to TAZ... look out, it is coming express mail, no signature required. :heart: :flower: Big bear hugs, My Lovely ;) :pray: Blest