if you really knew me.
its hard sometimes. Sometimes i just want people to see me for who i am... see who i am behind the front i put up. The Shani, when she is with friends portrays an image that she is the happiest person around. She is carefree and positive and the clown of the group. She has a huge heart, always ready to catch a friend when they fall. She has no issues and a great family who all get along so well..Then there is the Shani who when she is alone, is the complete opposite. The Shani when she is alone, struggles with depression, low self esteem, irrational thoughts, health problems. She feels like for every step forward, she takes 2 steps back. She struggles with self worth and her identity and she feels like even in a crowded place, she is alone. Her sense of humour which draws people to her is no longer there and tears replace that smile that her friends deem ' Contaigous'.

This girl works so hard to keep up this front, but its tiring work. Only few people can catch a glimpse of the other side of Shani. The side that doesnt have it all together. The side that is broken and hurting. This Shani, will push away her friends so that they cant see her. Today my psychologist caught a glimpe of her though. Ofcourse she already knew she existed, but today I took my mask off and bought alot of my cracks to the surface. I became Vulnerable. That word doesnt sit right with me. It causes my heart to race and i become nervous. I dont know anyone who likes to be vulnerable, and i especially hate it hence why ive spent so long working on and wearing my mask and fooling people into think im fine, when im not really.

It got me thinking though, what if im like that with God.. what if i only let God in my life when i want Him to see the good side of me. Do i push Him away like i do most of my friends when im going through the valley that i know so well.. God says to just come as you are. He knows we go through trials, and challegnes. He also knows we go through some good times.. and it doesnt matter which season we are in.. He wants to be apart of it all. He wants you to be real with Him and if that means you have to be vulnerable.. well.. You are in the safest hands to do so. :)
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Blessings, Shani
  I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 2 months and 3 days.

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 I currently live in: Australia.
Tan Yeowhwa+

Sister Shani, it is better that God thinks well of us than men. :wink: That's way I live my life. Sometimes even when someone will be angry at my decisions but it will please God, so be it. Many people may not like me when I choose to please God, but so be it. I may not be the most popular person around, but so be it.I rather have God think well of me than men. For we can never please all men and their whims and fancies. :headbanger:

Thanks for sharing

Blessings always

From Hwa Silverpen

K Reynolds+

Hey Shani-Girl...

In December 2007, I made the decision to get "vulnerable". Facing cancer and it's treatment, I felt that if I did not do so, if I did not let anyone in... I would die. I'm not talking about physical death although that was a very real possibility. You see, when we are "closed" we are not just closed to people, we are closed to God as well.

Now I have to tell you, there were some people who did not like that one bit. They did not want to hear a Christian talking about struggles, challenges and fears. Christians weren't supposed to have those sort of feelings. The problem is... if we are honest with ourselves, we all experience those things. How on earth can God help us with those things if we deny that they exist?

One day, you came before God and confessed that you were a sinner and needed a Savior, right? You admitted your "issue" (sin), opened up your heart to God and as a result, He poured out His mercy and grace upon you... and you were cleansed from all unrighteousness. You had to become "vulnerable" with God, right?

No, we cannot be vulnerable with everyone all of the time. However, we can be vulnerable with God and if you ask Him, He may even bring some other people who you can be "vulnerable" with as well. People who love you despite your imperfections

Vulnerability is a scary thing and like I said, we cannot be vulnerable with everyone. However, if we stand before God with a "closed heart"... He can't fill it and we in turn, cannot truly bless others.


K :princess:

Billy Beard

I appreciate your honesty. Many of us have skeletons we try and keep buried. I know there is no better place to bury anything, or better place to hide, than my Lord Jesus Christ. Others may not understand, but He knows us even better than we ourselves. Thanks for sharing, and those deep thoughts. God Bless. billy